Wave over wave

[LaceyTiel]

What a day I am having. Work was very stressful and I feel I am on borrowed time there. Part of me wants that- part of me doesn't. I spent the afternoon with my boyfriend going for a meal and some errands like the bank and shops. Even though we had a great time - there was a moment I could feel the waves of anxiety just crashing down on me thinking about work and the personal responsibilities I have in my life right now. I actually felt a full blown panic attack might happen but It hasn't yet. It feels no one understands what I am trying to say.

At times I feel I just woke up and have to check out my surroundings. And I already will be in the middle of my day. It feels no one understands the gravity of what I personally have at stake. And that panics me much like a drowning person struggling for air. Why doesn't the people around me see it? I ask myself. I tell them there is a problem- and they just don't show any substance of understanding of what I am saying. I blame myself for not communicating properly. But also I really think people don't understand.

I know I need to cut something back in my life as I realize I have too much on my plate. Making those choices is very important to me. And making those choices correctly for me is even more important! I see my doctor again early next week. I just feel so unsettled and anxious that my body feels nauseous.

The new medication my doctor added to my existing ones is called Evvail. One of the symptoms is feeling dizzy especially if you get up too quick. That' I am willing to live with. But lately when it happens I feel paranoid that I might faint or even die. That is not like me at all to think like that. Plus I am being treated for a lung inflection that likely is making me feel I can't breath as easy when I do feel woozy.

At work after they revealed they believed I was mentally ill - things have never been the same. I dread going to work as much as I did going to be bullied everyday in grade school. I still have a hope something is going to happen and things will be okay. But what will happen I don't know. And what could or what I would like to happen I also don't know. There is another employee on the cusp of getting fired. I should know later today what will happen to him. I don't know if he gets fired if that increases me chances also. Or if he get fired if it will increase my chances of getting fired. Or if anything that happens to him will effect me. I feel it does because they will be showing their management style with whatever happens to him. Yet if he is gone it might be too much stress at the work place to loose two key people at once. Whatever will be - will be. I just am trying to solve the source of this nasty knot in my stomach!

[Hidden]

Lacey they won't sack you because of mental health issues but only if they affect your work or you take too much time off thus not fulfilling your contract.

If you have been there 2 years or more you have rights anyway and they should be making 'reasonable adjustments' to help you at work. They have a legal duty to you under Health and Safety Law, and if they don't fulfil their side of it and sack you or force you to resign, then you have a good case for a Tribunal. They cannot just sack you on the spot unless you have commited serious misconduct ie stealing or hitting someone etc. You should get written warnings if they are unsatisfied with your performance. I can't remember if you are in the UK?

Are they doing all this? If not then ask for it. Bev x

[LaceyTiel in reply to Hidden]

Thank-you Bev. You are a voice of kindness and reason. I have been there 5 years and never missed a single day of week or took any vacation time at all. A few times I tried to call in sick. And one time they kept phoning me with questions I ended up going in anyway. And the other times I tried to call in sick they said come in and just do what you can.. So five years with a perfect attendance record. I must admit I have been suppressing my recentment because other employees have just not shown up for work or called sick just not to be there. And I have a death in my family and my partner having an operation to remove a cancerous organ- and I still managed to work 6 days a week.

Part of the trigger of my major depressive epidsode was triggered by them totally taking advantage of my good natured doormat personality. The stress from my work environment is super intense. I actually have two seperate jobs I do for the same company. I know I have too much on my plate. Something significant has to change. I just am having a difficult time deciding what that change should be. I wish I could keep it all going. But I know I can't. Isn't that an awful feeling? I think everyone has felt that way at some point.

It is such a sensation of being crest fallen and disappointment in myself. Why did I not know my limits? And why am I too timid to do something about it? Why can't I do everything I took on the responsibility to do?

Thank-you for your kind words and thoughts.

[Hidden in reply to LaceyTiel]

Because you are not superwoman Lacey? Don't be too hard on yourself, is there any reason you should know your limits until you test them? Not many of us do you know. Ok you took on extra work and it is too much, now you need to do something about it. There is no shame in admitting that. You are not a failure but you are human which is ok isn't it? Join the rest of us.

I remember in one job I volunteered to take on extra duties which would have been fine but the person doing it before had made lots of mistakes. I had to sort them all out and in doing so fell behind in my other work. I didn't get thanked or anything just slagged off. I learnt then never to volunteer and I never did after that.

Good workers are often taken advantage of but not thanked at the end of the day. You have to put yourself first coz at the end of the day your employer won't. They will put their company first second and last and employees are looked on as a dispensible item.

I understand how hard it is to stand up for yourself, but can you approach your immediate boss and tell them how you have overstretched yourself? Have a quick informal chat with them and sort out in your head what duties you think you can still perform and what you can't. If you go into the chat well prepared it will give you a sense of confidence. Is there a friend at work you could take in with you? Good luck anyway as you deserve better than this. Bev xx

[LaceyTiel]

You are sincerely such a kind person for writing such a nice and advice full reply. My boss did recognize I had to much going on and told me to take away tasks from my personal life. He even told me what tasks they should be! And asked me 3 times since if I had. It all has a way of falling back on everything being my fault. I do know he has no right to tell me what I should do in my person life. I do volunteer work out of my home and he said I should no longer do this. But I am always at work on time and my volunteer charity work is something important to me.

I totally understand how it must of felt to be over run with the extra work you took on to help out and then being unappreciated and slagged off. I have been there too. It does teach a person that no good deed goes unpunished in a competitive dog eat dog world of office politics and gossip mongers. What a loose loose situation.

An employee was fired yesterday. There is a guy kid working with us for the summer and he was overjoyed at this fellow being fired because now he got to take on many new reigns. And this bothered me because this was a nice person who was with the company around 8 years. Even if I don't like someone I never felt good if they got fired. More like who are the wolves going to take down next.

After I got the news of my college I went for a bit of a walk on my break. And in away I feel a lit bit jealous and also happy for the person who got fired. Now he can spend the summer with his family and not have to put up with our toxic people work environment. He lives with his parents and has a second job as well. So loosing this job won't be as financially taxing as it would be for other people. But still it is never a good thing to get fired. He actually resigned last year and they had a big party with a cake and drinks with him. But he came back a a few months ago. Honestly I do think from knowing him as well as I did that he was happy to go. Just no one wants to leave on such a lasting bad note.

Same with a lady in payroll. She worked there many years - left with a party and a gift of a gold bracelet. She returned the following year and resigned a second time quietly. I heard her say she was promised less hours and ended up working 60 hour work weeks again. Employers totally forget that people do have a life outside of them cracking the wipe. The employers are rude and brash. I was treated in such a way yesterday after trying to tell the employer of an important situation that just happened. And he raised his hand in the stop motion saying to me- later- I have things to do... I actually smiled from ear to ear thinking what pompous self-imported jack ass he is. Acting like he some sort of haughty Emperor raising his hand at the peasant saying what he did. It would of been just as easy for him to say -thank-you, we will talk about this again soon.