nov 5th ( ranty-muse sort of thing )

as i sit here watching the fireworks blasting into the night sky - a wave of depression is sweeping over me - as it was nov 1st 2002 that i moved in with my late wife and we sat here looking out at the show which was better in those days as the fireworks where cheaper ( we /i have a good view out over the north of the city area and do not need to freeze my arse off sitting on a windy sea front to watch a display + i hate crowds or even a few people round me these days ) .

its funny , that even 13 years later that memory can set me off - bigtime , as so many things do most days - if you have read my other posts/replies in this section you will know the story - ( if not go read them !! .lol ) - so i won't repeate it all here

and do you know what REALLY sets me off ?? - people who say you should "move on " , i have had it from supposed friends ( few as they are ) - doctors - greif councillors - et al over the years - but i CAN'T - DONT WANT TO MOVE ON !! - she was the love of my life - my soulmate - literally my other half - i can NOT betray her by going with or getting involved with antyone else - just NOT GONNA HAPPEN folks !! -

and then i start thinking of all the a*****'s in the world - those who do sweet **** all for anyone bar themselves - who live long and cushy lives - have it all and die easy deaths - those who the press make a big fuss about , when there are so many that have crap lives - but do no one any ill and suffer so much - dieing maybe like my late wife at 51 .............. yep 51 no age to go

( pause to go check muffie01 is ok - she hates loud noises and the big ones have just started )

but , the one thing that consoles me is the fairly sure knowlege that there IS some form of continuience after we pass ( and this is ZERO to do with ANY religion - i have a real problem with religion ) - its more to do with things i have seen and experianced first hand - which belive me you had to be there

I make no secret of spending many years in the fire service ( amoungst other jobs as i was "retained - paid part time ) - i have seen many people who it was simply "NOT their day to die " or their "gardian - lets call them entities ,where working overtime

and it was another november when i had first hand experiance of these beings - i relate this as it happened as to if you want to believe it or not well ...................

any hoo - we where called to an hotel on fire in a remote village at about 05:30 am , the hotel was under renovation so fortunatly no rescues to do or any one hurt - just a streightforward fire fighting job or so i thought

well myself and a fellow firefighter where tasked with cooling debris containing gas cylinders that where in use to power dryers ( the cause of the fire ?? ) and we where situated in a long hallway the floors above having been pretty much destroyed - having been there for an hour of so - we where both happy to take a break when a "firefighter " appeared at the entrance and said to get a break and a cup of tea as the refreshment van had arrived

so dropping the hose to return later - we set of for a brew only to find that the tea van had NOT even left base , somewhat hacked off we returned to our taks only to find that a CAST IRON BATH -SIITING ON TOP OF THE NOZZLE - RIGHT WHERE WE WOULD HAVE BEEN STANDING !! - i late determined that this bath had fallen 3 floors and would surely killed or injused both of us - BUT nad heres the kicker , we questioned EVERYONE on the fire ground as to WHO had told us to take a break - and NO ONE HAD !! - in fact we had the mik taken for a while after about this but i and my fellow will sware in ANY COURT IN THE WORLD to the truth of this

i have pondered this many times - as there was something not quite "RIGHT " about the guy who called to us - was it the uniform ? - or something else , i cant say - however i am glad he ( it ?? ) did

this and a few "other "incidents lead me to believe that there IS something more than we know of - AND we all HAVE these gardian entities , which gives me comfort that i WILL cach up with my wife in due course - EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON !! - WE MAY NOT UNDERSTAND OR LIKE IT BUT TRUST ME IT DOES !!

ah well - i find that writing helps me cope - so please excuse the ranty-muse sort of post - i just felt like writing tonight

all the best - muffie02 - and 01 , who is sat here with me for reasurence on this somewhat noisy nov 5th

TTFN

( below : my lovely wife FRANCINA - and you will see why i miss her soooo much )

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She is beautiful muffie. 51 is very young like you said to die.

That is a really spooky tale about the bath isn't it? Though not in the same league my sister had a narrow escape once. She was washing her hair in the sink in her bedroom and right in the middle of it our mum called her down. She had never done this before. When my sister went back up a large piece of plaster had fallen right over the sink!

I was feeling nostalgic tonight as well. Bonfire night conjures up for me times as a kid when my mum would give us all a sparkler each and put a couple of Catherine Wheels on the fence for us. We would have a big bonfire and a few fireworks which my dad would light. My mum cooked jacket potatoes and sometimes sausages in the embers and we had them with Parkin cake. Sigh..... I was just wondering where those happy days went. We were all very excited by this and I can still hear the shouts of joy and laughter that echoed round our garden. Where does time and the years go? x

[Suzie40]

That's a warning story about your lucky escape. Not sure that I believe in the whole guardian angel thing, or maybe I just don't think they'd bother guarding me! Francina is a very pretty lady. Hope the fireworks have died down and Muffie01 is sleeping! X

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Hello Muffie

Sorry for your loss it can take a long time to get over the loss of a soul mate and this can be even worse when the person has a shortened life and is called so soon. There is very little any of us can say regarding this sorry state you have found yourself in. We all feel what if I could have done this said that and kept our temper and flustrations when things at that time well before the loss of a close, loved one after their departure.

All I can really say is we have to carry on without the person and understand that She may still be around you in many ways that none of us really understand. I always feel the ones we loved are still standing in Spirit on our right hand side helping us with all the trials and tribulations on the course of life that we are all sent on to learn and suffer the bitter sweet lessons we have been put on this earth to learn Lifes hard knocks.

Over the last five years I have been on a Mental Health Task Group and one of the main problems we discuss is the loss of a loved one and how long it takes to get over the hurt. No-one can say how long these feeling will last, some say two years before the real grief will set in and then with help and encouragement life will eventually normalise, although no-one can walk in your shoes.

Try remember the good times you had and try and understand would she want to see you not functioning with your grief. Possibly she would prefer that you get on with your life as you most probably have still a great deal to learn and accomplish in the years you have that remain. We all suffer loses and we all have to put things in the back of our minds remembering the bitter sweet relationship that you had for the years you were married. No-one can make your loss any better for you, it is your life and we all need to continue along the lines of lifes hard knocks

Good Luck

BOB

[Cefn48]

My god thats a freaky storey x but so lovely that u miss your wife so much xxxx and shes a beautiful women x who's in your heart xxxxx

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So sorry about your beautiful wife! no age to die, i cry for her because i have compassion for animals and people, there are some s---t people in this world, why does God take the good ones not the evil! I question religion a lot! Love and hugs.