Think I'm Going Mad

[AnnieQ]

I have just realised that I can't remember a time when I was happy. I have always suffered with high and low mood, but at the moment the extremes are even more extreme!! I am 43, but feel like a teenager. I am married to a fabulous man and have two sons (aged 14 and 8). I have a lovely house (no mortgage), brand new Mercedes and no money worries. I'm not bragging, but trying to show how I am still not happy even with all these things. My husband loves me and supports me as best he can. I just seem to need the validation of others, mainly other men, to make me feel like a worthwhile person and when I don't get it (or they feed me lots of lies) I go downhill. I have done some bad things recently and been used - I knew this was happening but couldn't stop myself. It is so out of character. I get so intense about everything and my husband commented that he finds me "too much". What is the matter with me? I feel so ashamed of who I am and what I am becoming.

[Stilltrying_]

Hi AnnieQ I notice you've just commented on my other post about narcissism, so you are already aware that this could have something to do with how you are now.

It sounds like you are insecure and that at the moment you've got yourself into a worse sort of state than you have previously so now is the time maybe to start looking at therapy. As you don't have money worries you could maybe find a private therapist? Checkout the following site for more information about therapy (both private and on NHS) . It can be quite complicated finding the right sort of therapy and depending on how deep your problems go it could take a while but this site will give you plenty of information and pitfalls to avoid.

supportingsafetherapy.org

Hope this helps. Try and look after yourself as best you can. Take care. Gemma X

[AnnieQ in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thanks. Yes I am insecure about everything. I hate my looks (yet people tell me I'm attractive - I don't believe them). I am bordering on an eating disorder as I write down all my calories and my weight has dropped considerably. My mum was always perfect and I never felt good enough or pretty. Now I'm seeking the approval of men, other than my husband, and this has led me to sleep with another man who just told me what I wanted to hear and then cut me off. Now I feel cheap and used to add to the guilt and shame. I'm in a mess.

[Eileenk]

Hi Annie

Aww...don't loose heart. It is true that material things don't always bring happiness. I'm sure you appreciate your husband and kids? Take one day at a time and deal with that day only, Try to find something in that day to make you smile (youtube funny animals antics usually do the trick for me)!! .

Am I right in thinking that your mum may have given you the impression that you were never good enough, or is that just how you felt. Maybe your need for 'validation' stems from childhood? Parents (sometimes inadvertently ) behave in a way that makes children feel they are inadequate. I know my mother always did, looking back I think she may have had post natal depression, something which was not really known about back in the 60's and as a child I interpreted that as something else! You didn't mention your father? Was he part of your life and if so how was your relationship with him?

It may be a good idea to find a professional to talk to....someone who will listen and try to help you understand things a bit better?

We will always be here to listen and give support and our opinion...(albeit sometimes not the answer) but know that you are not alone in how you feel.

Stay strong...

[AnnieQ in reply to Eileenk]

Hi, my mum had bouts of depression when I was a kid and right through till now. My dad was an alcoholic so we lived a life of never knowing what would happen next. I couldn't have friends to my house and I always shunned getting too close to people. My mum always compared me to other girls, particularly at ballet. I was fairly good, but never as good as the girl beside me. Everything that happened was my fault. At 13 I tried to slit my wrists, but I couldn't even get that right. Then I tried an overdose, but obviously didn't take enough. Even now my mum tells me that she doesn't like who I've become. If I dress up she accuses me of trying to meet other men and if I dress down she says I'm scruffy and should be bothered about how I look. She hates my hair because it's curly, but what can I do that's nature. I think I have been looking for validation in all the wrong places. I had known the chap I slept with for 14 years, but it came to a conclusion in the summer. I feel so ashamed of myself, but it felt good to be appreciated by someone else (even though he was just telling me what he knew I wanted to hear as he is a womaniser to say the least) - doubt it meant anything to him. My dad died 4 years ago from cancer, aged 66. Even though he had his faults we got on really well and during his last few months we made our peace with each other. My mum now lives with me as she couldn't cope on her own. She doesn't live in my house, but we have a large garden so she has moved into a purpose built bungalow 150ft away. How many other daughters do that for their mum - but it still isn't good enough. She is 74 and suffers with vascular parkinsons so doesn't walk well - but her lack of motivation is not making it better. I feel trapped and desperate. I have been looking after her all my life and at 43 I want to be free to enjoy what I have. Sorry - all came out there. Take care of yourself and thanks for your reply. x

[Hidden]

Hi Annie nice to meet you and welcome to the site.

First of all your mother wasn't 'perfect' coz no one is. She must have had her faults like all of us. It might help it you can see her in a more realistic way. Therapy might help with this but will certainly assist you in discovering what is behind your behaviour and how to change it.

One thought - is it possible you might be bi-polar? xx

[AnnieQ in reply to Hidden]

Hi, I am starting to see my mum in a different light after other people who know her have commented "she isn't the easiest person". In a strange way that helped me to see that maybe I wasn't being stupid and some of the fault could be with her. See my post for the background. I have seen the GP and they have recommended Talking Therapy, but I think the waiting list is fairly long. Not sure how to go about private therapy. I have thought about bi-polar but, in all the times I have visited the GP, this has never come up. I know I am not right and didn't feel right when I was a kid. Always highs and lows and never fitting in. Thanks for your reply I appreciate it. xx

[Stilltrying_]

AnnieQ the link I gave on my first reply to you on this post explains how to go about getting private therapy. I think you would really benefit from some talking therapy at this time and by the way you are not going mad! You are anxious and stressed and things are sort of reaching a head with you with realising sleeping with this guy ultimately did you no good; this is a good moment for you to start to move forward, to look into your background your mum's personality and expectations and how that has affected you as well as your relationship with your dad when he was alive, though I would say at a guess that it is your mum's personality and difficulties which has affected you the most. Therapy will make all this clearer for you. Make sure to tell them all about this. Gemma X

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[AnnieQ]

Thanks Gemma. Yes, stupidly I looked at your link after submitting my post. Very useful info. I will open up and tell them everything at talking therapy. Guess I have hit rock bottom and you are right. I always thought my problems were related to my Dad, but I think it is actually my Mum. You have helped me see things more clearly. Thank you as today has been much better as I can see light at the end of the tunnel!! X