I SIT IN SILENCE BUT IM SCREAMING ON THE INSIDE I HAVE STRANGE DREAMS. ABOUT MY KIDS WHO WONT SEE ME OR EVEN SPEAK TO ON THE PHONE

[trisha1234]

THEY WERE ONLY 9AND 11 NOW THEY ARE 13 AND 15 MY CRIME WAS LEAVING MY HUSBAND AFTER 28 YEARS HE CONTROLLS THEM. MY HEART AND MIND ARE IN TURMOIL EVERY DAY HOW CAN I FUNCTION

[roxyrascal]

Dont give up. your kids need you despite their current behaviour. i was with my husband who abused me physically , mentally and with whom i had two children. to cut a long story short i ended up losing custody as i also suffered from mental health problems and havent seen my sons from the age 6 and 9. my oldest just turned 21. in the last year i have received a mother day card and birthday card. he has had counselling and suffers from dyslexia and tourettes however he as a man now has realised what his father is like and is telling my mum( who started the contact) he would like to eventually see me. I never gave up hope as if he had the ability to destroy me , what chance have they got and i initially sent cards however then i stopped and remembered them every occasion. saved as much for them as i could. then at 16 and 21 i sent it to them thru my mum with a long letter telling them how much i love them and never forgot them and i believed in them. Alex especially brokedown as that was the first time he had been trusted in his life. his dad controlled everything and for me to give him an opportunity to know that im there for him. he though i had abandoned him. i cant say anything to help you at the moment i know but please keep strong. love yourself. go to doctors . get any help you can. support worker etc. i am sure you will be able to see them very soon as the help is there more than 11 years ago when it happened to me. but you need to look after yourself to show him your are not beaten and going away so he gets what he wants. you are stronger than you think ..... be positive you will have them. i believe in karma. i hope this helps in some small way to never give up. please use this sight to say how you feel. its important to have people to talk to who understand. thinking of you xx

[trisha1234 in reply to roxyrascal]

Hi.

You really do understand. Yes. I have always said what chance have they if he controlled me all my life. They are controlled now but won't relise this yet. I'm saving bits when I can for them. I fought in court 4 years only to have a final hearing saying they don't want any contact with me again. It broke my heart and my will to live. I tried to take my life. Thankyou for your thoughts. I'm not alone as I thought. Xx

[CarolineLondon in reply to trisha1234]

Oh sorry I didnt see this when I replied. They will come round and it does your husband no favours playing this game. Often if kids feel they have been duped, or controlled they go the other way, dont be surprised if later they dont speak to him. Either way your their mum, they will always love you as you always love them, a fact of life. Wait it out. x

[Suzie40]

All too often children get dragged into messy relationship breakdowns. Did you ever have contact with them after you left him? X

[Hidden]

Hi Tricia I am so so sorry you are going though such terrible events. You are right - your ex is controlling them as he did you. You escaped. One day your kids will break free too. They are going to need you then, a loving, caring parent. If you take your life you will leave them with nothing. Be patient, bide your time and I am sure you will see them again in the not too distant future. But you must stay with us so you can be there for them. Take care. xx

[roxyrascal]

i also took them to court and even went to the police hired barrister spent 1000s and they told the court and the social workers exactly the same . didnt want anything to do with me. i admit it is hard work to keep going but you will get through it hun. but my recovery took along time as i really didnt have anything to live for, but i did two beautiful children who have all your love inside them and memories and they will come back to them. i also asked friends and relatives to forget what he has done to me but please be there for the children. i then knew they were safe. you can also contact the school to see if you can receive their school reports etc,. just so you know you are still looking out for them. my son knows that now. that i hadnt abandoned them and i still felt the joy when he passed his gcse, his driving tests etc. we are all here for you, even if you dont get an immediate reply. so you will never be alone.

[CarolineLondon]

I had a friend in his 60s his daughter a 30 something I think, hadn't spoken to him for years. He asked my advice and it worked, so here goes I hope this helps.

I told him to say to her " How can I help you?", "What can I do to make things easier for you", then I told him to shut up and listen, pass no judgement.

Now this isn't an easy thing to do because you Trisha are also a wounded party and someone should be asking you these questions. However once you start to mend fences (be emotionally selfless, be that right or wrong) listen to the moans and complaints, don't judge or repremand it's amazing how people come round. And then in time it will be your turn to say why your upset and you will get the apology you deserve.

This isn't an easy thing I propose I know that. Someone said seek to understand, before you are understood, such simple words but they carry such weight. It can be hard to be selfless when you know someone should be asking how you are, what you need. Anyway I hope that helped, good luck, I really wish the best for you XX

[trisha1234 in reply to CarolineLondon]

Hi Caroline

Thankyou for your advice.

Well I've said this to them on paper. I've had no response. You see they are only 15 and 13.

There dad still has control. If he hasn't then why don't I get any replys. I don't think I will ever see them again in my life ever xx

[CarolineLondon in reply to trisha1234]

Can't you speak to them it needs to be a two way conversation, surely he cant stop access. Also often in these situations children feel they are to blame, if they'd just been nicer, better behaved maybe Mummy and Daddy wouldn't have argued. They need to see you're the Mummy they have always known and loved and by making them the centre of attention (not commenting on Daddy's short comings) they can judge for themselves. It's so aweful when adults use kids as pawns, I do feel for you. However you must have rights bare minimum you should be allowed to see them, they must miss you terribly whatever he says.

I really hope it works out, maybe a trip to the Ciitzens Advice, see what can really be done.

XX

[trisha1234]

Also I put myself in there position.

There dads

Them

My older to children

I ask myself how do they feel ?

Xx

[CarolineLondon]

Look bottom line you are their Mum, who doesnt love their Mum. They remember you, they miss you, right now they are being made to feel they shouldnt love you, but dont for one minute think they have forgotten. You were with them all those years, deep down they know all this is wrong and who you really are, they need to see you, to know its okay. And he needs to see how much they miss and need you, right now he's in la la land. My mum was a living nightmare and now in her old age I care for her, she is my mum and I only have one. Without you Trisha they would not have a life.

Please stay strong and know it will all come around, but you might need to take some legal steps for visitation. I really am sorry for your plight.

Sorry realise now you went to court. All I can say is dont give up on them or yourself, dont let your crappy husband win. They need you even if they arent saying so now.

[trisha1234]

Caroline.

I spent 4 years in the Family court

Only to have a letter saying my kids whishes and feelings. Say

THEY DONT WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN

[trisha1234]

I forgot to add

I get indirect contact. On the last Monday of each month I'm allowed to send a letter through a friend to the home address. At 7.30 pm

I don't no if they get to read it

As the years pass I'm becoming a faded memory. As they are

It's something that will happen as time passes

My anxiety as I think of them makes me feel physically sick

[Hidden]

Hi Trisha

Little late coming to this convo but (for what it's worth) here are some of my thoughts...

When I was 10 my dad left. Over the next few years my mum put him down enough that it affect how I viewed him (she didn't mean to she was just heart broken when he left & it took her a long time to get over it), so that when I perceived he let me down I then (possibly) overreacted & cut him out of my life & wanted nothing to do with him. Enough so that when I got married at 23 not only did I not invite him but I didn't tell him. When he did find out 2 months later he was gutted. Fast forward a lot of years & a lot of miles to today & I get on great with him. Enough so that whenever I see things on tv about father/sons relationships I can get choked up. My point is that eventually I wanted to know him & make up my own mind as to what sort of man & father he is. It took me a while to get there (late 20's I guess) and some never quite do (I don't think my older brother has quite forgiven him yet). I would imagine that they will at some point want to know you & make up their own minds about who you are. I'd recommend putting that in some of the letters you write, about you will be there for when they want to get to know you and make up their own minds because no matter want anyone else says you do love them & have never stopped loving them.

Oh and don't ever try doing what you attempted before ok? If you were to succeed then you will never know whether they want to know their mum in the future. Don't take that choice away from them girl, ok?

Hope things are better for you today then they were when you wrote the post

James

[trisha1234 in reply to Hidden]

Hi James

Thankyou

I've said everything in the letters that you have advised me to say , over and over .

I'm having a bad day today feeling very low and anxious couldn't sleep again last night , I see there faces in my head all the time

I'm not a bad person I sometimes feel like I'm a monster and that's why they hate me ?

I hope you are right and they will come back into my life one day

I'm happy you decided to have your dad into your life again x

[Hidden in reply to trisha1234]

They don't hate you. Kids throw "I hate you" around at parents for the slightest things sometimes. Doesn't mean they mean it they just don't know how to control their tongues and not say hurtful stuff. Hell, some people never learn that lesson. I don't know you but I don't believe you to be a monster. We all do things we may regret from time to time but other times we have to do things that are for the best even when the other people may not fully understand.

I'm sorry you're having a bad day today. Lack of sleep & being tired can really take it's toll on us & can lead to anxiety or depression really kicking our arses. It's ok to think of there faces, do that but think of the good times & think on future good times you'll have with them.