I wish I had a detachable head, so I could just take it off for a while and get some peace!!!
Just zip it off, put it down on the floor for a while, until I need it again for talking or eating or some other
thing that a head does.
Either that, or just get it re-wired, or re-tuned, or even a bloody volume-button if all else fails..
Aw well, we can dream can't we..
Holly Xxx
what a wonderful solution--- including a link to worzel gummidge with his trade-mark head-changing to make you smile. yes wish that volume button worked.... youtube.com/watch?v=YZvJC2z...
Lol! worzel made me lol, (had to put my head back on for that ;).
Hope you're well gardengnome, and thanks for making me laugh! 
Love, Holly Xx
Wow Holly, I know exactly what you mean ! ! Thanks for your catch up message earlier. I'm not too bad. We are lucky in this area as the floods have not affected us too badly and we don't have snow either at the moment so I guess I am being thankful for those small blessings at the minute. Thinking of all of those without electricity, internet etc tonight x
Oh I know, I was lying in my bed last night being immensely grateful I have a roof over my head (and we don't have floods here coz we're too high up), when I heard the rain lashing down on my window..
It does remind you that things could always be a whole lot worse, and there's always some-one worse off than you..
Glad you're not bad and feeling grateful too 
Holly Xx
I often think my whole life would be fine if I could just remove my head for a while! Hope you're not feeling too bad though xx
Holly you could go on Dragons Den with that invention.lol
Lol yous'll have to help me out as to how to go about it though, and we'll split the profits 3 ways
I just keep getting stuck at all those severed artery's and stuff, any surgeons on this site that could give us a hand??
N.nite (that'll get ye away from your head for a while..),
Lotsa Luv holly Xxx
Wish even sleep was an escape...I woke up at 3am having dreamt that someone had operated on my head and implanted a gun inside it and all I had to do was focus n I could shoot at something from inside my head. I woke up, checked for the 51 stitches, shaking very badly and ended up being physically sick. Couldn't convince myself it wasn't real, could feel them emptying my brain out and fiddling with it.
Was scared of going back to sleep but also scared of staying awake cos I couldn't get it out of my mind...out with the diazepam!
Still very with me at 7.30am and feeling shite 
Hope u slept better than me Holly!
Lucky <3 xxx
Ow that sounds horrible!! yeh diazepam can have that effect, give ye crazy dreams..
I'm on medication that's kinda designed for not having that kind of nightmare-shit, I used to get them really bad, that and flashbacks, so the medication I'm on have got a heavy sedative in it and gives me a good dreamless sleep..
I was on trazadone for years, it's an anti-depressant with a sedative in it, but I hated them, I'd only get 4 hrs sleep with them and feel all groggy and fuzzy in the morning, horrible drug..
I'm on mirtazapine and something else now, and it works a lot better, and I feel ok in the
morning..
Maybe talk to your GP about getting off the diazepam an try something else?
Hope you get a better night's sleep tonight Luckyring, I'll spare a wee thought for you
when I'm in my bed tonight!
Luv, Holly Xxx
Yeh Holly,
I was on trazadone and hated them too...I used to sit with them in front of me every night saying 'I hate you', putting off taking them as long as I could.
Been tried on Mirtazipine but it doesn't work for me at all.
Doesn't help nights that I'm also on Morphine for my back!
Will think of you too tonite and hope your wonder meds transfer a bit of peace to me
Take care Hun
<3 (1 4 Valentines)
Lucky xxx
aw I know, horrible horrible drug trazadone.. It's Seroquel I'm on as well, I think that's what's giving me the sleep..
Coz I've been on mirtazapine before as well and didn't think much of em..
Maybe it's the combination of the two, or the mirtazapine is still doing nothing and it';s just the Seroquel lol.
I'll do my utmost best to transfer a bit of my peaceful sleep to you, fuk, if
I could go a night without and give it to you I would!
The morphine should give you a sleep as well though you would think..
I don't know if you know, but most people on this forum know so I don't mind writing it, but I'm also a heroin-addict, junky , call it what you like..
But that must play a part in me getting a good sleep as well!
Take that away and I'll be climbing the walls all night!
Either way, wishing you a peaceful, refreshing, nightmare-free sleep
tonight Luckyring, I'll be thinking of you!
Lotsa Luv, Holly Xxx
Hi Holly
Guess you don't remember we used to chat a lot about a year ago but then I couldn't afford my internet cos I'd had debt probs so yeah, I know about your drug probs hunni n all about your wee boy. Heroin/ morphine...all the same just ones on script the other isn't although it used to be early last century as did cocaine!
Nope...tried Seroquel too...only worked for 3 nights before it stopped working. Think I'm a lost cause...I don't metabolize most drugs too well.
Wouldn't take your sleep hunni but ty for your kindness in offering.
Lucky xxx
Hi Lucky,
yeah I think I vaguely remember lol, you've got a better memory than me anyway!!
Aw I feel for you, there's nothing worse than not being able to sleep.. It drives you nuts doesn't it!
God I can't believe that's a year gone by and still nothing's changed.. I thought if I'd stop putting so much effort into maintaining my habit (no money=no drugs), and I've been doing
that community rehab, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way, my habit's still just as bad only now I'm in debt and more skint than ever..
Went out begging out of sheer desperation today, wasn't there
10 minutes when 2 plain-clothes coppers turned up, searched me, warrant-checked me and told me to move.. Day ruined, coz
that's about the only decent spot..
I hate those b******s, the woman was ok, but the guy was pure cheeky, I had about £16 quid on me I'd made yesterday, and he goes; 'what are you doing taking money off the public when you've got more money on ye than most people here?!'
Ayeeee right sir, that's how there all coming out of Marks n Spencer with bags full of luxury shopping! While I've been starving for the last week, coz have an addiction that's bloody all-consuming.
Obviously couldn't say anything, apart from yes sir no sir, or I would've been carted off to the cop-shop for a srip-search etc, that's why I hate them so much, they abuse their power and treat people like shit if they think they can..
Sorry about that rant lol, I know they're a necessary evil, but I just don't like them, there's no need for them to act like that,
like the women-copper, she was ok.
Right enough of that, I think you should go back to your GP and
try something else to help you sleep, coz it will affect your mood, your health, everything really..
Have you ever tried acupuncture and stuff like that? It's not really my bag coz I never have the patience to sit there lol,
but I know a lot of people that swear by it and it's really helped them..
Try anything, you've not got much to loose!!
I'll be thinking about you again tonight and hope you get a good sleep, even if it's just 4 or 5 hours of proper good sleep..
Good luck Lucky..! Speak soon,
Love, Holly xxx
Holly, what I really like about you you're so honest and obviously such a lovely girl/woman inspite of the terrible "habit" you are unfortunately locked into. There are so many fake people out there but you are surely not one of them. I do hope you manage to find some better support. I know you've tried to come off before etc. Just seems such a shame, you're such a lovely girl. Do you think its being in the same environment making you carry on with the habit; like if someone whisked you away to a lovely countryside place do you think you could stop or would it still be the same? No need to answer on here; I know its personal stuff. It's just you made me think and I'm just thinking out loud really. Sometimes I really wish I could help people more. There are so many nasty and selfish people out there but then there are nice people like you who are struggling. Do keep trying Holly. You are so worth it. From Gemmalouise xx
Aw thanks Gemmalouise
I don't really care what people think about me, that's how I just write what comes up in my head, they can judge me all they want, but it's who I am and it's the position I (have put)'m in...
Yeah, a few months in the countryside or even when I was in rehab, away from it all, would help, it's really hard trying to do it when you're still in the middle of it, but it can be done, I've done it before..
And the thing about ' getting away from it all' for a bit
is, you've gotta come back!!
And drugs are everywhere really, if you want em, you'll get em..
But being away from your 'using-environment' for a while definitely helps and makes you stronger for when you do come back, but it's more a tool to help you get clean than a solution, it's still me that's gotta do it..
And I don't mind talking about it on here, most people
know anyway.
Thanks for your kind words Gemma :), hope you're ok
and had a good day!
Speak soon,
Love, Holly Xxx
Oh, I thought Lucky may have meant "Out with the diazepam" as in "time to bring the diazepam out" as in they are a good thing? Personally I find diazepam is like putting a nice cosy fleece over my jangled brain. But only use "in extremis" as it doesn't work if you use it often.
I did and do...have done for 20+ years now but also use to help my breathing as I also have severe emphysema. When I panic I start to cough totally out of control and am often sick from coughing so diazepam help to calm me and stop the coughing.
They can be a good thing but, yes, I have also abused them and last year bought some online (stupidly) and took 1000mg all at once one really bad day hoping never to wake up! As you can see it didn't work so I upped the ante and took a cocktail of drugs followed by quarter bottle tequila and I'm still here. My GP and psychiatrist know and never try to section me...why? Have they given up hope on me?
What can I say? Why are you so unhappy? (Or is it a long story???) ......
It's a very long n also a very short story.....it's genetic! I was blessed by Mum n Dad with a schizo affective gene mutation, a COPD mutation, the breast cancer mutation etc. having an 'unspecified' personality disorder doesn't help either so nature plus nurture 'ganged up on me' so to speak!
Lucky I have done the same thing, a few times, only recently I took an overdose of methadone, about 270ml, plus a handful of this and that, but I just slept for two days and woke up ok..
Another time I took an overdose of trazadone, NEVER AGAIN!!!
I was so ill when I came to, I was in bed for about 15 hours solid, spuwing my guts up, I couldn't even get up to go to the toilet, so I was lying in my own sick for nearly two days, but I survived that one as well..
And like you, my GP and psychiatrist and psychologist knew about it, but
nothing got done..
That's when I thought, something ain't right here... If we were 'normal', or
some hot-shot lawyer or doctor or whatever, we would've been taken to some
kind of hospital, either a mental one or a normal one, something would've got done...
I think they just don't care because I'm a junky, sorry, 'addict', I definitely do
get treated different and it sounds like you do too..
Not that I wanted to get sectioned or anything, but I was obviously not in a good mental state, and some help would,ve been good, but it seems
we've to just get over it and fight our own battles..
Keep fighting Lucky, you and I know we're both worth it!!!
Lotsa love, Holly Xxx
PS sorry , I did think you meant out with the diazepam as in get rid of em lol,
they're good for getting a sleep, but I always end up hopelessly addicted to
them and end up in a worse state!
Holly I'm sorry about your run in with the police today. Why can't they help you
By giving you access to rehab. It's like
That here too but I never see them arresting
Anyone, they would be arresting all
Day lol
Hod it was so cold too, my heart goes out
To you. Is there any way that you could
Access any rehab in another place. It's
Very hard to do it on your own,
I think you are great by being so kind to others here. I wish I lived near you and
I would drag you to my place and cook
You a nice meal. Holly you and Luck
Are strong so don't give up please.
Luv n hugs
Hannah x
That's the thing, begging isn't illegal in Scotland, so they can't do ye for it, but if they really wanted to, they'll say you were 'aggressively begging' (harassing people), or make up something else that IS an offense and just do ye for that..
But they just moved me,and I knew theyd be back to check and that's when they'll start pulling stunts like that..
Aw Hannah, thanks, I know you would.. And don't worry, I won't give up ..
So hopefully, in the not too distant future we can have a nice meal together, and I'll take ye (I'm not making it coz I'm a rubbish cook!)
Luv ya lots hun, spk soon!
Holly Xxx
Hi hunni
Yes, I remember a few PMs last year re you n diazepam. Have you got a grip on that one now?
I prefer to think of all as habit, not addict. We're all addicted to something...eating, smoking, drinking, drugs - what's the difference?
Habits are darned hard to break n they mostly make us unhappy.
There's only one exception and that's the adrenaline junkie - yea, it's ok to call them junkies cos they're usually the famous 'winners' in society but hell, they're no different to us. Take away what makes them tick n they get depressed big time! I mention this while watching the Winter Olympics at Sochi thinking what I could have done if only!
But no...I got addicted to cigs n carrying the COPD gene mutation made that a lethal combination for me. I tried to quit last year...a month I made it then hubby had a stroke n the cigs came out, I got freaked out by driving cos of the traffic so couldn't even make myself go visit him in hospital! Oh, we face timed each other several times a day but I plucked up the courage to drive as soon as they said he could come home (with the help of diazepam) - darn drug! They should never have left me on an open script 20+ years ago!!! Been through 4 GPs, 4 psychiatrists and 3 months as an inpatient having ECT and they still didn't try to even moderate my intake!
Oh, heaven help us babe, angels must be watching over us for us to still be here!
xxx
Ow tell me about it Lucky, wee blue devils so they are, still not quite got a grip on them either, they kinda go hand in hand with the rest of it..
I think an addiction isn't a bad thing unless it's unhealthy and interferes with your life..
I'd love to be addicted to healthy eating or something but it seems most people get addicted to things that are bad for you,
probably coz most things we enjoy happen to be bad for us!
God that sounds horrible as well, that COPD, a friend of mine's got it, he still smokes like a chimney too, but he's still quite young..
Yeah, there's defo something up there watching out for us!
Take care Lucky n speak soon,
Love, Holly xxx
Hi Lucky I am really sorry about how you are feeling.
Are you knew on site, you are very honest and I like that, I am not going to start giving you some " fake pseudo" advice as I haven't been in this position .
I have suffered in other ways and I think that's what
Binds us all together here.
Talk again later.
Hannah
Hi Hannah,
Read above for history...used to come on here last year then had no internet but glad to be back as I don't go out much
Sometimes I'm chatty, other times I'm very quiet but always open n honest.
Take care hun n speak again.
Xxx
I sometimes imagine turning the volume on my speakers up so high that my head explodes ... and I've often wanted a head-otomy when I've had a migraine where the headache was really bad ... the migraines are a lot better now - about 10 years ago I had more days with migraines than without but they are much better controlled now - at least on the headache side.
Hope you feel a bit better today.
Awk Gambit, it's horrible isn't it, just not being able to get rid of your own head for a bit
I've never suffered from migraines (touch wood), but I know people that do and it sounds like torture!
I'm glad they're a lot better now, hope it stays that way..
I feel ok-ish today, still wish I could get a wee break from my head a few hours a day, but it's just not an option really is it..
I've started singing (well humming tunes coz I can't sing), to drown out the noise in my head, or talk back to it
Hope you've had a good day yourself Gambit, take care,
love, Holly xxx
Day was okay - see my reply on Hannah's post. Haven't had to battle with the elements too much ... but don't really like the grey and it does sound very windy ... you would think that god's housekeeping would run to more than just feeding the angels baked beans on toast all the time
Lol We've been lucky up here with the weather too, lot of rain, but ot's not been cold and not too windy either, I was watching a program last night and apparently because of global warming the south of England is getting all the winter-storms that
we usually get way up in the north of Scotland, and then some..
Glad you're day was ok, hope you were able to get in the door from all the valentines-cards blocking them
Love, Holly Xx
Luckyring your experience sounds terrifying. Sometimes my head feels like one of those paper shredder things permanently turned onto the "on" switch. It keeps going and going and the engine is struggling and I just can't turn it off. Other times it feels like a basket which is empty but its supposed to have things in it. Sometimes there are things in the basket and it feels quite "together". What does everyone else'd head feel like? What does it remind you of at times? X
Mines is crazy sometimes, I hear voices, and some of the voices are a bit like cartoon characters
(a left-over from a book I read when I was a kid, there were these gnome-type creatures that lived
underground, and talked about the girl in the book while she could hear them; 'why is hse doing that, look at that strange girl, she's stamping her foot, why? etc etc) So I've got that in ma head, a few more voices, and depending from day to day what other shit's going on in there..
Holly Xxx
My head can feel different depending on how I am.
It can be feel like it full of cotton wool or it can feel like there is a Movie Camera
Inside and I can view a lovely scene if I choose.
It can feel like there are 100's of Post it Notes with To Do Lists flying around my head
Holly's invention would be very handy .
Hannah
Lol it would be brilliant wouldn't it Hannah, just don't think it's possible..
That's probably why they've invented knock-out drugs lol.
Who knows, maybe science will develop a way to do it one day.. I'm picturing the Frankenstein Monster with
its nuts and bolts haha
Luv n hug, Holly Xxx
Hi Holly
Your post made me smile, I wish I had an on/off switch for my head and definitely a volume button to stop this constant ringing!
Jules x
Hi Jules,
I know, it would be bliss wouldn't it We can dream... In the meantime we'll just have to put up with it..
But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger! So keep yer chin up n keep smiling
Luv, Holly Xxx
Anxiety or depression? 
Voice in my head 
Advise needed....my head is too full of me!
Here it goes again
Paperwork rears its ugly head
