I'm currently not employed and I broke up wid my gal thinking hw wil I look aftr her.. she is engaged to smene as she dint had choice.

[sandy497]

She is getting married in a month I feel like I ditched her the weird part his d one who is marrying her is her colleague n a ex bf of her close frnd he knew of our affair n knew tat she wont tel at hme n approached her family for marriage they said yes being a frnd he took a advantage of d situation rather den helping feels sad n worried of her life n mine too I dnt want to live anymre no hope n I dono hw wil I b happy if i marry smeone feel like ending my life.. she is als not happy its merry a compromise to 4 of us..

[Hidden]

Hello Sandy

It is now up to you to persuade her of your feelings, We at some time need to grip the nettle and stand up for your future happiness. Sadly it is no good feeling you want to end it all, as we all when younger always feel the same when a relationship breaks up it is part of life and life can be so unfair.

When in my teens I got engaged to a girl and eventually after two years I split from her, She was unsuitable, although I did not see that at the time. So I became distracted from that relationship that it took about twelve month before I found the next one who seemed to be the one. On and of I went through many relationships until I met the one I married. We have now been with each other for thirty seven years.

Of course this does not help you now and you have been pipped to the post even though she seems to still think the world of you. It could be she is wanting too marry this other chap on the rebound from you or is she trying to make you

feel upset so you will want to go back with her.

All I can suggest is see if you can meet her, for old times sake and try and tell her your feelings. Remember if you say you want to end it all she will most probably think you are blackmailing her and that could go against you.

Good luck,

BOB

[sandy497 in reply to Hidden]

Hey thanx, actually it was 6+yr relationship since she belongs to a orthodox family she dint felt saying at hme n hurting dem for giving her freedom n I was not in position to go to her hme as I was unemployed n she was employed though I was financially good n in terms of family but dint had courage to take it forward as I was worried of my future feeling guilt of thinking I dint do anything wen I was supposedto act her engagement took place last month she says he is caring and loving he knew of her past n accepted her though evn he had d same in past its compromise to both he had ditched her close frnd 2yr back den she got married to smene nw he broke my realtionship by getting hooked wid my gal.. I hope der is not any fishy involved as his ex n fiance n he work in a same college its wierd to think god bless dem I want her back dono wat to do as we liv in a society wre people opinion matters dens ourselves. . I cant move on n think a life widout her..

[sandy497 in reply to sandy497]

I'm broke completly dono hw to react should I feel bad n ditch on dem or let it go by thinking she is in safe hands den my arms as d realtionship was secret will continue by keeping d memories in intact doing something now can spoil d whole thing n hurt d familys sometimes we must let go to keep a smile on evrynes face im hurt so does she tat bastard is doing so much tat she is feeling he gud enough hope he is as true as his acts r now.. she is trying to build a bounding wid him I dnt want to b in touch n b reason for her tears which wont stop late nite.. l love her a lot i dnt want any tears to fall frm her eyes i respect her in my life wish her lots of happiness in her way I hope.I dnt wish to meet her in life my absence will make her grow stronger n be committed love u my angel.. miss u till I die

[manish83 in reply to Hidden]

bob it wont help telling her the feelings. when she knows that you were or are feeling bad because of breakup this will give her a postion of like driver of the car. she will feel more power. insted of telling her feeling .. bring 2 girls infront of her one on your left arm and one or right and show her how your life has changed since breakup... never ever come as vulnrable.

[sandy497 in reply to manish83]

Hi Manish,

Appreciate ur advice bro.

Its not bout d gals anymre I feel I dnt hav tat strenght to go for one mre relationship its not bout one nite standing I dnt hav d courage to get married n end up in a mess hw can I love a gal again it would b a compromise relationship which I dnt intended in spoiling other gal life its bttr to stay single n b in d memories of love..

[manish83 in reply to sandy497]

sandy what i meant to say is that... if you will tell her a little bit that u miss her like crazy, she will definately took advantage unless she is different. she will know she has power or control over you insted of showing her your weaker side show her that since breakup you have found a side of you which you were not familiar with forexample you are more outgoing person, you made some friends ( specially girls) , you have given time to yourself to have some fun, you went to movies and you enjoyed it to the most. make her feel that you live in your own world and you let only those people in who are fun. i dont knnow the bas of your relationship but if you will let someone else control of your life, then it is not good for you. let her ask you if you miss the times when she was in your life.. then it will be the time for you to let her in back to your life slowly and slowly.

[Gambit62]

When you say you are orthodox I presume that means orthodox Jew. I can imagine that it is very difficult for you at the moment because you probably have no-one you feel you can talk to within your community so good that you can talk here.

It sounds as if your gal has made up her mind and it also sounds as if you respect that.

That means a huge change - and the end of your relationship is like a bereavement. Give yourself time to grieve - though I know that is going to be difficult as you won't be able to do all the things that are normally associated with grief - at least not in public within your community - but may be there are a some rituals you could do in private to mark the grief.

Is there any possibility of speaking to your rabbi? Understand if you feel that would be too much and it would just bring judgement on you but none of us is perfect and forgiveness is an important element of all spiritual paths.

Keep posting here if it helps.

[sandy497 in reply to Gambit62]

Hey thanx for all d posts and reply I'm trying to get over her but I dono hw long it takes thinking to speak wid tat chap n say she won't be happy wid u break up d engagement dono hw would he react he knows once d engagement is over its like a social event u can't break it off so easy n moreover he knew of our affair I wont her back but it costs too much for d family n d whole drama n me d centre of it.. god give me chance to rectify my mistake wish life had a rewind button###

[Gambit62 in reply to sandy497]

It is a really difficult time for you and sometimes life doesn't go the way we would like it to but that doesn't mean it is the wrong thing.

You are not responsible for your friend's decisions. I know it is going to be complicated by family and other social pressures but please think very carefully before you speak to her fiance. He is obviously aware of the past and has accepted it.

I am not sure what you think the mistake you have made is but I often think G-d is more forgiving of our mistakes than we are. Unfortunately - or may be fortunately (as I suspect there are far more ways of screwing things up than we could ever imagine) - the past is somewhere we can't go and even though it doesn't feel that way to you right now the future is full of possibilities but the now is the place where we are and that is what we need to deal with.

I can't tell you how long it will take to get over your relationship - it varies so much from person to person - and even if you had been in a position to marry that is no guarantee that it would have been the right thing and that you would both have been happy.

I'd reckon on 6 months for a year for all the chemistry that is there in a relationship to work its way out of your system so it isn't going to be easy - and it's fine to post here when things are feeling too much. You will always have feelings for her even after the chemistry side of things has gone, but hope they will be pleasant memories rather than the pain you are in now.

[sandy497 in reply to Gambit62]

Hey thanx buddy

I knw this is not d rite decision if he dies all wil be fine ha ha joking but I cant get over her she told strictly she will die but won't come back guess I must let go now..

[Gambit62 in reply to sandy497]

it's not easy but I really think letting go is the right thing to do.

[sandy497 in reply to Gambit62]

Hey i know even if I get her back things won't b d same which wre earlier I'm worried whether will I adjust and fall in love in a arranged marriage god knows wats in d store called future but now I feel like hell I desparately need her back I knw back of my mind d realtionship isn't d same which was earlier. . Its hard time for me must focus on carrer feel like to stay single rest of my life ooops its over y does d mind and heart wont listen. .

[Gambit62 in reply to sandy497]

it is really difficult for you at the moment. What you are feeling is a type of grief. It is going to be overwhelming. The loss you are going through is a significant one. Just give yourself time. Don't worry about your career too much - that will come as well. Lots of people start off in one career and then end up starting another one later on because they realise that the first didn't suit them. I know there is going to be a lot of pressure on you to get married but even if your marriage is arranged those people who are arranging it will be ones that care about you and will be thinking about your needs and happiness. Don't push yourself either way at the moment. Thoughts are things that come and go and the real trick in life is to recognise that. We are not our thoughts - we don't have a choice about the coming and the going but we do have a choice about how we react to them. We can either let them flow past or we can get totally caught up in them. It's not easy to just let them flow past but there are things that you can do to help you get better at letting them flow past - meditation is one way and the (orthodox) jewish tradition has a lot of meditative practices that you could try. Would you consider speaking to your rabbi at all - you don't have to tell him the details but if you said that you felt that you would find some meditative practices useful I'm sure he would be more than happy to help. Another important thing is not to get cross with yourself when you find that you have got caught up in the thoughts - just congratulate yourself for noticing and then sit and observe them for a while.

I know it is hell at the moment and it is really difficult but it can and will get better with time. Keep posting.

[Hidden in reply to Gambit62]

Letting go, moving on seem so easy.

Time is great healer and I believe moving on is best for you. I've had to do this and accept a particular person was not for me.

[sandy497 in reply to Hidden]

Thanx buddies,

I guess I need some break ouf of mobile out of memories out of town to b wid me and oly me.. I wonder how the chap is handling the relationship wen asks are u still in touch wid ur bf wierd he has insecurities and says he loves her lot actually he is controlling her don't wear dis dont talk wid dem don't go der possessive brat..she needs a space den his so called love.. no one is happy at the moment othr den familys god I'm blaming myself for all d guilt as a guy im so much attached wondering wat she must b going through

I dint approach her family wen I had supposed to.. its not easy for her to kiss and be in his bed wen she is emotionally not attached to him.. so does to me.

God give me one more chance to correct myself. . And get the things back into track..

[sandy497 in reply to sandy497]

Hi everyone,

Today I got a msg frm my gal who is somebodys fiancee now. Wished me for new year and let dis new forget ur old memories n me im not lucky to b wid you was a msg I dint replied as she said dnt reply gals are really like a poison im worried now hope everything fine they're end. Tat chap is engaged bcs she has a job n pouring so much love which she knws he is pretending watever its their life let dem battle it out.. I'm moving on

[Hidden in reply to sandy497]

You did the right thing by not responding to her text. Moving on is absolutely the right thing to do. Gain strength in knowing every disappointment is blessing. You will not see it right now, but you will.

Sometimes you have to let go of things that are not right for you. I speak from experience.

[sandy497 in reply to Hidden]

Thanx Viktor,

To be honest I'm not tat concerned now as is was a month back time is really a healer a friend told me its not just my fault which i was regretting people elope from home if they r commited I wanted time which she dint had she took a call to get hooked wid tat chap I too am responsible for her decision but not d alone to blame on.. life moves on no one is permanent here..we can't do anything wen people want to walk away just let go for thier choices wish her al d happines in life truly mean it frm heart..

[sandy497 in reply to sandy497]

Oh I'm so much frustrated and annoyed on tat bastard chap he has taken my gal out of station I'm feeling so much guilt i'm so helpless she is not happy to wanted to get her back in my life by breaking thier engagement nw its abov my head wonder hw would he sleep wid her knowing bout her past affair she is scared if he gets to knw she is not virgin.. im messed up wid my life I'm sory for everything it wil haunt me whole nite. God tat chap is great