Just writing stuff down to try get my head round things which seems impossible for me to do at the min. Its like the answer is somewhere but I cannot put my finger on it, its eluding me. Something’s bugging me and the only thing it seems to correlate with is my ex coming back into my life as sorts. I have tension in my jaw, checking my phone a lot, getting irritated, moods very high and very low.
He applogised for treating me the way he did which ment a lot to me, its like he was admitting he was an idiot and gave me an explanation for the reasons why he acted the way he did. He blamed it on the long distance thing, which didn’t really bother me, in fact I didn’t really miss not being with him in the week, I just got panicky and anxious when I didn’t hear off him often during the day….which I still cant explain, when I started my anti depressants this subsided. He also blamed it on money worries which have now been resolved.
I had no intention of starting things again until he had explained himself – I still cant even put my finger on exactly why I felt differently about him after that.
Anyway he came to see me yesterday on his way home from seeing his mate, who he seems to go out with now every weekend. We had a lovely walk and then just chilled out and it felt normal, how it should feel between a couple – we didn’t argue or he didn’t get in a mood etc.
Then he texted me saying he had a lovely time and I said the same. Then he followed this up by telling me not to think to far ahead and not to assume it will be better next time or the start of stuff as it over complicates things. Just seem to come out the blue and it bothered me for some reason.
Its made me feel tense and unsettled again – I think im scared its not going to work out and ill be back in the same position I was months ago. Or even worse, he will decide he doesn’t want me anymore for what ever reason. I feel uneasy that its not the same as it was when we 1st got together, it went very quick and he (we) wanted to be together all the time and we was official within weeks etc.
We only speak now about once a day, takes him like at least half a day to text back at least…so therefore I leave it ages to. I guess it bothers me that he seems to busy to text me back, this to me makes him seem not bothered. Your supposed to want to speak to people you like, he never seemed to want to do this when we was together either.
Its kind of bothering me he goes out or goes to see his mate who lives like an hour and a half away at the weekends. He goes the gym all the time in the week after work so this is all making me think that he wouldn’t have any time for me anyway. We used to spend the whole weekend together which I guess I just got comfortable with. I know everyone has their own life but it kind of makes me feel ill just be slotted in when HES free. When I go back to work I plan on getting a horse on loan then buy one eventually and I know that will take up a lot of time as well as my own plans to go back to the gym. I just don’t want to be creating a life just because he has one. It was okay when we was living and working together, he would come home after the gym or on the rare occasion he went out with out me id either be at his flat anyway or id be round the next day.
I cant even discuss him with my friends, because of how he treated me they refuse to discuss him and they all hate him. Ive hardly told anyone ive started seeing him again because I know they with moan at me and be disappointed.
I guess am also scared he will still be manipulative and controlling and I wont really notice. If I pointed it out to him he would just justify it and then ill doubt myself etc. i think he was being a bit controlling the other night as I wouldn’t sleep with him. I said I didn’t want to as hes been with 3 different people since we have split up and he never uses anything so I said well you don’t even no if you’ve got anything. He told me these random girls had told him they was clean to which I responded how do you even know they are telling the truth??! Then he turned it round on me saying how did I know the lad id been with was clean, so I said he said hed been tested, plus ive known the guy for about 8 years and hes a friend who I started seeing, I don’t think he would lie to me and do that. Then he started getting irate as Id said during the time when I was with him and he was grilling me, that I don’t sleep with people without using anything. When in fact I said I don’t sleep with random people without using anything – in fact I don’t sleep with random people at all but if im seeing someone you don’t use anything as you trust the person. I told him I didn’t want to sleep with him yet as we don’t know what's happening between us and I wanted to wait. Then this seemed to make him more moody and annoyed and he went on to say “I bet you slept with him straight away” I told him I didn’t which is the truth. But its okay for him to sleep with people soon as hes met them. Its like he was trying to make me feel bad for not sleeping with him and being controlling. If I would have said this to him he wouldn’t of accepted it. I only realised all this after I had left his.
Surely im supposed to be not anxious about me and him. Getting with someone is supposed to be exciting and happy! But I don’t know if its just something wrong with me and the way I think and my brain. Maybe as I don’t have anything to do most of the time ive been over thinking. Maybe its because ive never been in a happy relationship.
People tell me I deserve to be with someone who treats me well and worships me. I cant see why anyone would but someone who wants to speak to me would be a start. I just feel a sense of un ease…ive always had anxiety issues but never really noticed it until he brought it out in me when I went to uni. Now it seems to be returning. I feel like I want to keep writing as ive not got to the bottom of anything but ive ran out of words to say. When I get back to work I will be taking this to therapy with me. I need someone to get to the bottom of…well…me.