Another Day, Another Week.

[Lyreco]

Been another average week. Definitely been cheered up by the comments on here, they've been so supportive in getting me through. Had another set back today, my History teacher had a massive go at me for "not trying hard enough", despite the fact I've written her 5 essays for marking and haven't given myself a break in over 4 weeks. My parents are continuing to drink and go out to the pub when I plead with them not to, and my Dad called me a faggot for reading books on philosophy.

The only good things I've had this week are my University advisor tutor give me a really good UCAS reference, and that's it. My friends don't want to see me anymore, and I rarely see them at all as a consequence.

The other day I almost embarrassed myself hugely. The only true friend I have now, a girl, was walking back to the bus with me and was walking really close to me and I thought she was trying to hold my hand, and I almost went for it - But then I remembered that she has a boyfriend, at the last second. That was the most crushing feeling ever. I honestly love her more than other person I know, and forgetting for an instance and then remembering the fact she loves someone else was awful. I really want to explain to her how I feel, but things would never be the same and I'd lose my only friend.

I tried to go to a school counsellor, but it turns out they're only a christian charity, and essentially all they do is take you to church to help you "find God again". Forgive my cynicism, but I'm anti-religious, and nothing would make it worse than trying to make me feel better by forcing myself to believe something I don't.

My sister text me the other day saying she hated me and wished she wasn't my brother. She said that I had no friends and deserved to be homeless. To be honest, I'm quite indifferent because her opinion isn't worth shit, but it's depressing to think that when I go to Uni she's only going to get worse, and if I land with a decent paying job when I leave my family's going to be asking for handouts all the time.

And that's been my week.

[wallflower_fairy]

Ooh dear Lyreco it sounds like a rough week, a rough day! There's only tomorrow now that's it! I can see you are trying to hold on to the positives - and that's a really good one - trust me when I say a good UCAS ref. is your saviour, it will stand you in good stead. I got a good one to and I had an offer from my first choice within weeks (I cried). I also have other offers.

Hmm..I think you should just be as honest as you can with your History teacher and tell her how difficult you're finding things at the moment, not so much the private stuff at home, but the stress of A levels and how time and production you've been putting into your history work, teachers get it wrong to and she might see the errors of her ways if you point it out, might even be able to offer you some advice. You do need a break though, trust me on this, you will crumble if you don't have a break. From a Psychologist's (and there's your answer I'd really love to do a degree in Psychology :D,TBH I'm slightly obsessed!) perspective, you need to work 'smarter' not 'harder', in other words, you are being more productive after you've had a break, because you would have rejuvenated yourself to your optimum level of functioning. Additionally, if you finding you're feeling tired and frustrated in the middle of work, just stop. It's a simple as that. I know you may find this hard to do if you're a hard working student, determined to gets things finished etc. but trust me. There's no point in even attempting to do work if you can't concentrate. Have a rest and come back to it later and you will probably tackle it in a much better frame of mind. In the meantime, do something you enjoy, when you're under pressure you forget how much you enjoy or miss the things you enjoy, you deserve it. You should not feel guilty for having a break if you have been generally trying, even if there are times when it Appears to not be fitting in with what others want. After all, you can only do your best, and in the long run, you will find that over all, your behaviour benefits you and others around you more. Then THEY'LL be the ones you had to admit that you were right. For example, when I created a piece of art work during the Easter holiday, I felt so much better it was amazing. It seemed to get rid of my anxieties - consider this, anxiety comes from creative frustration.

Another thing, it sounds like you have a good rapport with your tutor, so it might benefit to you to have a chat with her about your concerns, as your tutor, he/she has a responsibility to provide support, practically and emotionally, so I'm guessing they would be your first port of call. I felt there was no one to turn at one point when all along help from my tutor was right under my nose, I just never asked for it. And I should, I had a chat to her in the library a couple of Fridays ago and she was very caring. Your tutor might be able to give you some advice in tackling your work, or even give you the chance to vent off your frustrations - you could maybe arrange weekly appointments, just to talk things through? (As I know you were unable to find a suitable counsellor via school). In my personal experiences, it's a fairly common thing for students and they report great help from this.

There's no harm in visiting your GP either, they may be able to provide you substantial defence if your health is affecting your work - after all, this is a depression forum - and it's a physical illness which genuinely stops people from functioning the way they need to (people can't seem to understand that), if you're depressed, the chemicals in your brain will working abnormally, you will be lower in the pleasure chemical called serotonin - which generally makes your life less enjoyable. There is also the influence of noradrenaline - the chemical which affects how you behave in stressful situations, I say this to give insight in the condition - the one which we have all experienced at some point. If you are living with these chemicals changes, then it is undoubtedly going to affect your concentration, and hence forth your work, the teacher may well mistake this for lack of trying, or, if you don't appear to be obtaining satisfaction from said work - lack of motivation or enthusiasm - but the point is, this is because there has been a physical change in your neural network and it's not your fault. You can't out think it (not completely anyway), and you can't help it. So I hope that's giving you some understanding and helped you to feel better about yourself, we all do it afterall - give ourselves a hard time. Obviously I don't know the in and outs of how you are at the moment but it's always an option.

Finally, I can't help you regarding your friend but believe me when I say I do understand your pain - I really do. Whether you end up with her as more than a friend or not (which we can't say, but you never know), there is someone out there for you and you will find someone special. I hope one day I can meet someone special too, because that part of my life is over now, it's time for me to move on.

I know it doesn't seem like it right now but just keep looking forward. I like to think if it as being the reason you're not said person now is because you're not 'ready' (I believe I may have mentioned this?). If if doesn't happen straight away, it's meaning you have this exciting adventure of self discovery and self love to look forward to (and I know that sounds like a cliche on top of a cliche on top of something similar to cliche but that's only my theory.) I do think though, that you need to love yourself and know yourself to be able to show the person the real you, before you can truly give them what you have to offer. Remember, Lyreco, you are a whole person, not half of one, and you don't need another person to make you whole.

Before I go, I do want to say though that I understand this doesn't take away your pain. Just take comfort in the fact that you be a good friend to her at least, friends last much longer than boy/girlfriends, who just come and go.

I really hope things get better for you. I'm sorry for all your trouble at home. You'll show Them, I'm sure of it. You sound like a lovely person who doesn't deserve this all this trouble. And if you never need to talk, well I'm always here. I love helping people.

You TC now and Kindest Regards,

wanderingwallflower xx

[Lyreco]

I suppose so, hopefully it'll pay off. I'll try and talk to her but she's driving me mental :/ I'm trying to work as productively as possible without over stressing too, but I know what you mean. Kinda got a break this weekend so gonna have a rest. I think I might try talking to her soon as well, I think she'd be helpful. I'm trying not to lose my friendship with her, but it's hard. Everytime I see her, even if she pops up on Facebook, I light up with happiness and then crushing remembering hits. Trying not to let it affect me. I know I have a long way to go, but I just feel like I'm going to be lonely my whole life. If I go to a good uni I won't have time to socialise, and if I become a solicitor or barrister I won't have time to socialise again either. I know, I try to fill that void by reading a lot and learning more, so it's helping a bit.

Thank you so much, this really helped xxxx

[Photogeek]

Hi Lyreco, sorry you feel alone with all your going through. You sound like a really nice person, who anyone should be glad to have as a friend. You never know either with what could eventually happen with your best friend. She may have a boyfriend now, but if its for you it wont pass you by. Life changes , circumstances change, and we change.

You are growing up and you will change too, the fundamental remain I know. I am sorry your family are so annoying and unsupportive. They probably feel a bit intimidated because you are studying and reading, and maybe they never had this chance. I am sure they love you, but you must assert yourself as no has the right to call you names. Walk away when this happens, and they will eventaully get bored. People do this to make themselves feel better.

Is there any young peoples support group that you could go to locality? You are not alone, feel free to come back and we will all try and support you through you difficult time.

Kind regards

Hanna