Apologies for the long post but I’m desperately looking for some advice and guidance!
I have been with my bf (33yo) for about a year now. At the beginning of the relationship he told me that he has always struggled to get an erection with someone he doesn’t have a deep emotional connection with. The first time we were intimate it did happen at the beginning but eventually he did get one...
As time’s gone on it has happened a few times but I put it down to him being tired or too much wine etc and it hasn’t happened at all over the last few months.
It also takes him a long time to cum and he doesn’t always. I’ve never had this happen with any guy I’ve been with before and it did knock my confidence and made me feel like a bit of a failure. We talked about it and I asked if that happens when he’s by himself or just with me and he assured me that it does happen sometimes when he is by himself as well and it has nothing to do with me and he is very attracted to me and loves me and our sex is amazing etc
Fast forward to a few day’s ago and I was putting some stuff away in his sleepover bag (we don’t currently live together) that he left at mine and I found some viagra.
I can’t stop thinking about it and it’s actually quite upset me. I think what’s upset me the most is that he’s been secretly taking it and hasn’t told me. I don’t really know what to do. I don’t want to embarrass him by bringing it up as he clearly hasn’t told me for a reason. I love him so much and our sex life is brilliant and i know in my head that it doesn’t have anything to do with me but is just hard. It feels like a bit of a betrayal that he hasn’t been honest but I totally get that it’s such a difficult topic for men and it can be a source of shame etc. I’ve been reading a lot of forums and have done a lot of research and I know that it can be and often is a psychological thing rather that physical, especially in young men.
I’d really appreciate some advice on how to handle this!
Thank you so much in advance
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Batgirl13
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Thanks so much for replying. That’s exactly what I’m worried about. I don’t want to say anything to make it worse or make him feel bad about it. And as I said in the post, he clearly hasn’t told me for a reason and I don’t want him to feel like I’ve broken his trust. I also obviously don’t know how long or how recently he’s being using them... it could have just been in his bag from a while ago...I just really wish I hadn’t seen them!
Hi, you said 'always struggled to get an erection with someone he doesn’t have a deep emotional connection with'. Couldn't this be a sexual preference thing? I'm not saying he is bi or gay but he could be demi-sexual (which belongs to the asexuality). It's still quite unknown so many people might not know that they are.
So you don't have to feel like a failure! Because it's not your fault
Likely he has some stuff going on in his head and it has nothing to do with you. Don’t forget, despite what people believe men don’t always get hard at the drop of a dime. Just like women are not always in the mood or sometimes can’t get wet, a man can have the same thing happen to them but everyone expects a man to be ready for action at any time. If your bf has some mental stuff going on it may be getting in the way of him getting fully aroused.
My suggestion is that you don’t mention anything to him about the viagara but continue to be supportive. The good thing is that he cares about about you to get medicine to help his problem, but it might be more in his head than physical.
Hey, thanks for this. Yeah I think I’ve decided not to say anything and he will tell me if and when he wants to. Tbh the fact that he needs to or feels he needs to take viagra isn’t what I’m finding difficult. It’s the fact that he hasn’t told me is what I’m struggling with. But as you say, I’m just going to continue to be as supportive and show him as much love as I can. Thanks again for responding.
This is really your boyfriend’s issue. That is where you need to start. A lot of guys use viagra like him because they want to please their partner. He has already discussed his demisexuality with you when he could have lied. It may be that problems in the past are causing anxiety now leading to erectile dysfunction. A period using viagra may restore that confidence. Take care if you want to maintain your relationship.
Thank you for responding. Yep, I think that past experiences are definitely a factor. I’ve decided not to bring it up and he will tell me if and when he’s ready. In the mean time I’m going to focus on trying to make him feel as comfortable and confident as possible!
This is a forum for men’s health and men who are seeking medical advice, not a therapist website or a relationship help site. Please do not promote this type of post as a moderator.
In my view the post does relate to men’s health - it just happens to have been raised by a woman. Lots of men consider using Viagra for a variety of health reasons (mental and physical) and it’s interesting to hear this example. The effect on a partner is an important consideration.
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