Introduction + Struggles

[bluesloth36]

Hey all!

This is my first time posting on this forum. I'm a month clean from vaping and struggle with MDD and GAD. I'm 22 and I live in the Rocky Mountains! It's been a tough month. I had this realization that I had been ruining my body and my life with vaping, and I suddenly just had tons and tons of anxiety that became paired with the vape. I felt so guilty and stupid for having fallen down this huge whole of nicotine addiction, and I made myself get rid of it the next day. The month since has been extremely difficult. I've had extreme bouts with my anxiety and depression, both have spiked extremely without my usual source of dopamine/coping mechanism. The nicotine cravings come with extreme anxiety, I always get this massive pit in my stomach when I get one and it feels like sometimes I'm on the verge of a panic attack. It has been getting easier luckily but I really don't have the best ways to cope when that stuff happens, and it can cause me to become irritable or just shut down, which brings about the depression. The guilt and anxiety that comes with cravings can just freeze me dude, and then I feel like I can't go to class or even get up out of my bed. It feels like my life has kind of been on hold for the last month, and I'm so tempted to go back tbh. Sometimes I feel like I'm slowly spiraling, and I just don't really know what to do with that idk. It has been a struggle for sure. Every day feels like one of the hardest days of my life, and I've had some SI in the past week when it's gotten really hard. Luckily I don't really want to vape as much anymore, but when I get immense, hard to overcome cravings, sometimes I just don't see the value in powering through. I start to want to give up on my quit, and then I feel guilty for having those feelings and know that giving up on the quit will just cause me to be right back in this spot whenever I decide to try again. I can't go back to this spot. It's exhausting for both me and my girlfriend. So honestly, it's easier to think of death as a way out than picking up another vape. Idk. Tried talking to my therapist about it and we made a safety plan for whenever I have thoughts like that but honestly it didn't make me feel that much better. I've done safety plans in the past before, and if I get to the point where I really want to attempt, I'm not going to stop myself by looking at a loose leaf sheet of paper. I'm just kind of struggling. It's been like 5 years since my mental health was this rough. Doesn't help that I'm graduating my undergrad this semester, and I'm the busiest I've ever been. I don't think I necessarily prepared enough for my quit but at this point I've made it right around a month so there's not much point in going back now. I'll just have to go through that awful first week again, which I don't want to go through and my girlfriend doesn't want me to go through it either. It's difficult for her to have to be a big support for me with this, and I don't want to require her help longer than I need to. I just feel so guilty and awful, I wish I never let it get this bad. It feels like I'm having to relearn self control

[blueskyFiona0125]

Hi there! Don't despair and, most of all, do not blame yourself for the way you are feeling. I am now a retired teacher and have battled depression (MDD) as well as anxiety my whole life. Thanks to antidepressants, I was able to have a fulfilling career and no one, students or colleagues, ever detected my issues. I just didn't talk about it. Every 10 years, right on the nose, I have had a major depressive disorder. I am battling one now, at age 63. It is never pleasant, far from it. I used alcohol until age 29 then, I had to face the fact that I required meds. I am grateful for those medsl, to be honest. I wouldn't be here today without them. Now, post-menopause is causing me to feel quite unwell, but I'm still fighting... I am sending you positive vibes and much love from the Canadian Rockies where I reside. Use what you need to be able to cope and don't feel bad about it. You can get through this, trust me! ❤️. 🇨🇦

[SpaceballstheMovie]

hey man, I get it. Best decision I feel I made in my life was when I quit smoking cigarettes. It’s been over 15 years for me and many days go by that I think about going back. What has kept me from doing it is knowing that at this point I never want to reset that count back to zero. But I still have trouble with other vices I that give into everyday, so I gotta dig deeper still and find ways to get out of these crappy habits. Being able to start quitting is a good, but finding that way to stay quitting is even better.