I ended a long-term relationship on October 1st and was actually starting to feel like I could get out of the bad state I had been in. A few days later I was offered to go to the beach and have wine with an acquaintance/friend who was a few years older than me. We shared personal truths and I felt he was genuine. After drinking some he initiated sex and it was okay at first, but then it got painful and uncomfortable and he ignored me when I said It hurt. I told myself it wasn't a big deal but cried afterward. I didn't expect much from him but I expected him to check in or say hi the next day and he never did. I realized I had been used for my body for the first time. I tried not to care about any of it, I wanted to get myself excited about college, work, and building an identity again. On Halloween, I went to my friend's uni campus to party with her, her boyfriend, and our mutual friend who I hadn't seen in a while who asked to be my date. He and I hit it off, I ended up drinking too much and nearly passed out, I stayed at his place and we talked all night until I improved. We started spending nearly every day and night together. I wasn't expecting much, I knew I was hurt and just wanted to have fun and he seemed obsessed with me. There was a time he ended up telling me some devastating things about his childhood I related to. He teared up and I held his head in my lap and consoled him. I felt like day to day I saw glimpses of the very beautiful and fragile person he was, I wanted to understand him and help him. I felt happy to make this friend. There was a time we got close to having sex and I told him I wanted to wait because I was terrified he might change or leave after. I told him to please never do that because I knew I couldn't handle it. He said he felt badly I would even think that of him and that I deserved so much better. We would have it a few days later, such a stupid mistake I made thinking this would be okay. We would have little disagreements about unimportant things from time to time, which a week later he would say was the reason he was pulling away from me. He started avoiding my messages and it ended. I had felt badly about him and told him I understood but wanted just a little bit more of an explanation for closure. We called about a week ago and it was okay but I asked him to just tell me straight he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore because I wanted the relief. He said he couldn't because he still really liked me but felt conflicted. Since then it's just been basically nothing. I'm so horrified at the way he changed so fast. I feel sick remembering his face as he held me and comforted me knowing how he handles me now.
I know how stupid this all sounds. I know how stupid I sound. I am a chronic depressive with other issues and what do I do when I am vulnerable and pained? Let men I don't fully know or trust yet in. I don't know why I'm taking it so hard. These are my first experiences with sex like this, I thought I could handle it like others do. I am so, so low and let down. I cry over it every day and obsess. Why would he cry to me and put the weight of his most difficult memories just to leave so easily? I was so vulnerable which scared me and I feel abandoned. I now truly lack faith in the world and the way I have tried to be a good person. I can't do much besides lay in bed besides go to work and it's hard for me to focus on my classes. I try to get into my old mindset where I was always fascinated with the world all alone but fail. I feel like somebody else, or close to death or collapse. I'm so exhausted being depressed and troubled for so many years. Something about this is getting to me badly and I want it to stop so badly. It makes me nervous how much I am struggling to find something that triggers a semblance of hope or who I am even slightly like I usually can. I want to get out of this and take this lesson to try and live on for myself.
So depressed
Hello! I'm new here and am happy to find this group.
I could get better but I'm not and I'm so sick of trying 
Treatment resistant depression 
