I’d like to chat

[Doglove24]

I’m Kelley. I was addicted to anti-anxiety medication . Once I stopped, i have had and been trying to heal from crippling depression, anxiety, and social anxiety. Anyone with mental illness ,past addiction, or knowledge of - I would like to chat. Thank you.

[Tulsa52]

Hi Kelly. For me, coming off anti-anxiety medication was very difficult. I know the side effects. After a short period, with my doctor's advice, I had to half dose. Depression and social anxiety continue to affect my life to a lesser degree. I do find weekly therapeutic sessions helpful. I do hope you find some relief from your current situation.

[Doglove24 in reply to Tulsa52]

If you are from Tulsa, I used to live there. Thank you so much for your post!!

[Tulsa52 in reply to Doglove24]

Hello again Kelly. No, I am not from Tulsa Oklahoma. I live on Tulsa St. in Massachusetts. It seems logical from your handle (Doglove24) that you are an animal lover. If so, that is wonderful when social situations become difficult. All my life until recently I have had dogs. Mostly Black Labs. Today for the first time in my life I have a short-haired grey cat named Miss Pearl. She never leaves my side. She is on my legs as I type. I have found pets to be very therapeutic. I enjoy the Midwest and lived in Kansas City MO for over a year in the mid 90's. I hope you find solace in HealthUnlocked.

[Doglove24 in reply to Tulsa52]

I have a neighbor from Massachusetts. I love animals - dogs , cats , wildlife, birds, etc. ..I live in Austin , TX now - but I’ve lived in California and Oklahoma! Thanks so much!

[Hidden]

A few years ago, I found myself in a state where life didn't matter anymore, and thus, I tried to end it all. However, despite those feelings, a part of me still wanted to fight and not give up. I too went to look for professional help and tried medication. However, my experience with both was not as I had hoped. With therapy, I realized that most of them just tried to do the same things drugs do: keep us afloat and buy us time so that we can heal. Others tried to help us look for answers, but due to certain methods they are told to use, it never felt real. I always felt as if I was in a script and was just an actor following it along with the person trying to help me. So, in the end, I stopped going. As for the medication, they just numbed everything; they do not solve anything or make you strong. In a way, they just do the same thing as therapy most of the time and help you buy time, so that maybe along the road, something good happens, you meet someone or people, or something happens in your life that helps you get up. Eventually, my realization was that to get out of it all, I needed to heal myself, and that meant being strong, making myself strong.

So, I took a risk and stopped both medication and therapy. I decided that if I am already at rock bottom, I would rather go down fighting. It was not easy, but I started to look at myself honestly. What I mean is, I just accepted all the shit about myself, my life, and what I had done and what had been done to me. Once you accept everything, then you stop feeling bad for yourself. Once you accept all that is in your life, then you realize that they are all things that you can actually fight. But while keeping your mind drugged, talking about fancy treatment methods, or following some wishful ideas about healing, you are just avoiding reality.

Once I did this, I started to look at what I had and could do. First of all, I had severe panic attacks. I could not even drive a cab for more than a few minutes. I could not use cars, buses, metros, or any such thing. I could not sleep, I lost my appetite, lost a lot of weight. I was always thinking of my problems and how bad life was. My eyes, ears, and all other senses were not working. I would walk along a street but never see or hear anything. As if my body was on autopilot and I was just stuck in a dark cell in my head.

So, once I admitted all these, then I started creating solutions and experimenting. In the end, I tried many things and managed to heal myself. I am proud to say that, I got married, created my own business, which is still small but pays for everything I need and want and is still growing. I no longer have panic attacks, and I am happy to say that I feel like I am living again.

During this period, I did learn many things that might help you and others who might read this post.

The first thing I realized was my body slowly shutting down. So, I decided to find a sport that I could do. I tried running; it did help in some ways, but still was not what I wanted. It did not feel fulfilling. Then I decided that I needed something to help me get stronger, something that would make me feel as if I was getting strong. Because, as you may feel it yourself, in such cases, one of the biggest and worst feelings a person has is that loss of power, that feeling as if you are not strong enough. So, in the end, I decided to go to kickbox. My goal was never to become a pro or anything. But just to learn and be there 3 days a week. And it really helped me in many ways. After just 2 weeks, I started to feel something in me. I felt as if I was getting stronger, after all, this was not something that I had to imagine or tell myself in front of a mirror. It was real. Since I tired my body, I would also sleep well too. My panic attacks also got better. As I got stronger I felt more and more alive. The sweat and pain of training opened my senses again. I loved the feeling that I would have after leaving the gym. My whole body tired but yet I would feel alive. Everything would look and feel better.

I also decided that I needed to improve myself mentally. I started reading books. My first book was Dale Carnegie's book, 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'. But I did not just read it and move on to the next one. I would read it like a study book. I took notes, then once the book was finished I read those notes once every month. I did this for all the books I read. This allowed me to actually add everything I had learned into my life.

I also decided to meet new people and go out a lot. Especially at the start when I still slept a few hours a day, I decided to use it to my advantage. After all, by not sleeping, I had way more time. All I had to do was push myself to do all the things I had been doing.

I also wrote a sentence for myself that I hung on my wall. I was living with a friend at a shared house but had my own room. I wrote, 'Learn to love and enjoy life without needing others'.

I wrote this because I did not want my new life to depend on others. I love and respect people, but at the end of the day, we are all good and bad for someone out there. If I built my happiness on other people, I'd lose it again if they changed, moved, or betrayed me. I did not want that. I wrote this during the time I decided to go out more and meet people. I did this by volunteering at different organizations. Some aimed at helping people, others aimed at connecting with nature, and some dedicated to adventure.

At the end of the day, the path I chose was not easy, but it was the right one for me. I do not know if it will or could help you as you read these lines. But I truly believe that no matter what society says, no matter what doctors and therapists say, at the end of the day, all we need to do is to get stronger and that happens only when we accept everything for what they are and fight back.

I believe that as a society, we have started to lose our connection with life and ourselves. We have created a fake world where we have fake lives. But at the core, even if we do not admit it or want to admit it, we still feel that something is wrong. Life just does not feel right; it just feels as if it is missing something or somethings. Once I realized this, I took control of my own life, my own destiny. I am not saying it is easy, it is not, but it is reality. We come to this world by birth, which, a process in itself is a struggle. We fight to learn everything from zero. We cry many, many times, over and over again. We feel pain and love together during our journey. But that is what life is. That love and the pain we felt is what made us who we are. We have to learn to embrace both of them. It is like flying; pain and love, whatever you want to call these opposites, are both wings, and you can't fly with one wing. You need both. So, embrace life with all the good and bad in it. Once you do that, you take control of your own life, your own destiny.

[Doglove24 in reply to Hidden]

it just seems like I am stuck now- in thinking with depression and anxiety, no driving, and physical issues .as well , with severe social anxiety- As soon as we get caught up, I hope to find a counselor . I appreciate your words and time so much.

[Midori]

Hi Kelley, Welcome to the community, all of us here have mental heath problems of one kind or another and we come here to share our experiences, so you are not alone. Pull up a chair, sit by the fire and we'll be along to chat with you.

Cheers, Midori