The Question of My Birthday

[KittenMama]

Hello everyone. The matter of my birthday is coming up for me, since I'm turning 26 in nine days. My husband and friends ask me what I'm doing - am I going to have people over? Go out? How am I celebrating? The thing is. I don't want to. I don't feel like my life deserves to be celebrated...

Back in August, I tried to take my life. I'm doing better now - I have a better grip on coping skills. But I don't feel like I want to be around people on my birthday. I just want to go to work (where they don't know about my birthday) and then just hide somewhere by myself. (Side note: My husbands siblings are visiting around that time so they will all be at home that day.) I don't want gifts. I don't want cake. I don't want to blow out candles or hear them sing. Just the thought of any of that makes me want to cry. And I've had similar feelings towards my birthday ever since I started college. Some years I will celebrate with friends, but I ignore the birthday aspects of it. I treat it like any other gathering of friends. Honestly, I wish birthdays weren't something celebrated. Especially mine.

Anyway. I'm trying to figure out what to do about it. I know if I say something, especially to my husband, about me wanting to just be alone that day/night. He'll think something may be wrong and worry about me. Honestly, I'll wonder if something's wrong too. But I just want to be in the bedroom alone with my cat. But to do that, I need everyone else to leave me be. Better yet, get out of the apartment for the evening, at least for a while.

But the thing is, I don't want to feel this way. I want to be happy about my birthday. I don't want to feel on the verge of tears whenever the day comes around. But I just don't know how to work through these emotions.

Any advice any of you have on the topic would be much appreciated.

[GrandmaMoley]

I feel like you should have a little party. You deserve it for one thing and you might surprise yourself by enjoying it. I know it’s so hard to be around other people when the MDD is working overtime but one coping mechanism I’ve learned (I’m 51) is that the years fly by so fast that when you have an opportunity to celebrate, just do it. Never forget to offer yourself compassion. If it were a friend of yours who was having the birthday, you’d want them to celebrate it, right? So be that friend to yourself and let that tiny little piece of joy in. I know it’s so hard but remember that it’s your depression talking to you not the real you.