Low mood lupus

[Marva91]

I feel a bit down today. I have no one talk to. I am suffer from anxiety and I am also shy and unfriendly. I tend to say wrong things. This lupus has made me be bizaar in a way that I can't remember things and people. It is difficult for me to articulate well. I am so tired at all time. I am not living a normal live. I just wished I was beautiful and intellegent. I get such terrible knee aches sometimes 😩. No one likes me. I just want to dissappear from this earth. I really don't know what my purpose is in life. Is it to suffer ? I have done CBT and I am going to try and remember the techniques so i can feel bit more positive.

[LottieLou96]

Marva, I know it's not easy, it's hard, and I'm sorry about everything you're struggling with atm, but try not to loose hope.

I can relate so readily to these sentiments at times, but people do love and care about you. They care about who you are, which isn't defined by your struggles, your lupus or pain. It can be frustrating to feel behind and held back all the time, like your always trending water and never reaching dry land. But you will make a way, you are strong, intelligent and have a good heart.

Sometimes it's about finding the people in your life that will support you and lift you up. Maybe a bit of an overshare, but lupus as a kid destroyed everything that I had in so many ways. It led to ten years of domestic abuse, which in turn gave me a number of traumatic brain injury, terrible psychological and emotional abuse, non stop ridicule and defamation. I couldn't do and be what I thought made me me, and I started to wain and give in to what the haters said to me. And I allowed myself to feel this way and be treated badly because of the guilt and self hatred in my soul over developing something I had no control over.

But... It didn't destroy me, and at times I feel broken still, not going to lie, and I still struggle with self worth and care, but it isn't who I am. Compassion, care, empathy, trust are characteristics that mean the world that you don't loose. Being funny, making people laugh can do the world of good. Frustration and self hate can creep into the home of our souls and give us unrest, and leave us in two minds, that of what we invisage ourselves as, and that of who we think we are.

Give yourself time, to understand, to heal your full wellbeing, to grieve if you need, to learn, to grow, and to become something and someone who has more true and real worth than before.

Take care,

Lottie xxx 💖💕❤️‍🩹

[Marva91 in reply to LottieLou96]

Thank you so much for sharing. I am so sorry you hadvto go through this. This world so cruel of bad people.

[LottieLou96 in reply to Marva91]

There is always more good Marva. And people grow, change, learn. Those you least expect suprise you in so many ways. With help and time scars do heal. And circumstances change. Stay safe Marva. Xx

[Hidden]

Please seek help as soon as you are able to support your state of mind. Try the Samaritans who will listen to you, feeling heard is vital and you should consider calling a more specific help line for depression. Talking about how you feel is the first step to feeling better. Do it today!

[Spanielmadlady]

Hi.sorry to hear you feel so low.i agree with stills that you should seek more help.. please speak to your gp about your low mood . You should be proud of yourself...you live with a very difficult illness every day and you are still beautiful.its hard being a single parent on top of that too .I think it is important to make time for yourself.. do you have a hobby? Alot of us here do crafts that we share on the forum .I find it better to do a little bit of something and enjoy it then over do it and regret it . You are not alone none of us lead a normal life now ......its just one of life's challenges but it is manageable.and there is still joy and pleasure to be found.

You do have friends here .....we are more then willing to listen we understand and most importantly we don't judge .

Try to channel your positive thinking from CBT...onward and upwards.

Keep smiling . 🤗 xxx

[Tiggywoos in reply to Spanielmadlady]

So true about joy and pleasure to be found . Ironically all those things were there before but was too busy chasing tail to actually see them ☺️xx 😘

[Spanielmadlady in reply to Tiggywoos]

So true tiggy xx

[bookish]

Dear Marva, you are you, you are beautiful, and you are enough. Sometimes we all feel out of place and that we are saying or doing the wrong thing, but we need to be gentle with ourselves. That nagging voice criticising us in our own heads is not right and not helpful. Try to look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a little smile because you are doing really well and can be proud of yourself.

When I feel tense or knotted up I use a little breathing mantra, I close my eyes and try to relax and say

"In. Out. Deep. Slow. Calm. Ease. Smile. Release. Present moment. Wonderful moment.”

as I breathe, and I smile when I get to 'smile'. It helps me and hopefully will help you too, especially as you get into the habit of using it - giving yourself a bit of time to just slow things down (it comes from Thich Nhat Hanh, How to Walk, but I only just found that out!)

On another note, can I suggest that you think about trying some magnesium? Either flakes that you can put in a bowl of warm (not too hot) water and soak your feet ( I use Better You flakes, but you could try Epsom salts if they are easier to get hold of) or a magnesium oil spray for skin (best avoid broken skin and eyes - I spray on inner wrists and then dab on anywhere that hurts especially, like your knees). I do this every evening and it helps to keep me calm, less anxious and makes me sleep better. (Again I use Better You, but I'm sure there are other good ones).

You aren't alone and we are thinking of you x

[Marva91 in reply to bookish]

Thank you i will start using them

[svfarmer]

Hi Marva my heart goes out to you I’m so sorry your struggling at the moment , I think you should make an appointment with your GP and tell them how you are feeling. I’m sure every one likes you and that you are beautiful and intelligent it’s just your mood at the moment is telling you otherwise .

My eldest son has OCD and suffered so badly with anxiety, he had a complete breakdown at one point , he has overcome this , he like you had CBT but what really helped him was exercise and meditation and now he lives a normal life and I’m so proud of him.

Can you go for a walk each day ? I know not easy with your painful knees.

This forum is very friendly and non judgemental so please post on here if you wanted to.

Sending big hugs to you 🤗🤗❤️

[Marva91 in reply to svfarmer]

Thank you nothing my Gp can do for me. I am too stressed out. I am the peak. I have been a burden

[svfarmer in reply to Marva91]

Your GP can help you - you are not a burden , please you must go and see them or ring the Samaritans where you can off load , they can help you . I’ve been a single parent of 3 small boys, I know how incredibly difficult it is and with money problems - also citizens advice will be able to help you , please you must go and accept help , Things will get better for you, I know you can’t see that at the moment, is there anyone at work that you can speak too?

How are you feeling today ? Xx

[MusicalFurbaby]

Hi Marva, good on you for sharing on here. That is the hardest step, and you’ve done it, so well done to you. You are in very good company—most of us on here have been depressed, anxious and suicidal at some point. It’s perfectly natural to feel that way when you’re a prisoner of illness and it feels like it has stolen everything from you. We truly understand.

One thing that helps me is nice things—chocolate, cat cuddles, music, classic movies, fluffy blankets. These things are easy for me to do when I have zero energy and motivation. Do you have anything nice around you that can help to soothe and comfort you?

The other thing I’ve done in the past is get some Endep prescribed by my GP, just a low dose (25mg) to take the edge off. It helped with the depression, I was no longer crying on a daily basis. I also talked to friends and counsellors and my faith kept me hanging in there too.

Keep reaching out on here. We understand what it’s like to be sick with no end in sight. There will be better days ahead. 🌻🌈💛

[Tiggywoos in reply to MusicalFurbaby]

MusicalFurbaby that is so beautifully put ❤️

[Tiggywoos]

Hi Marva Firstly you should be super proud of yourself for reaching out to us … you’re very brave .

The mind / brain 🧠 can be a terrible thing sometimes .. speaking to us in a way that we’d never speak to anyone else. Why do we think it’s ok to be so hard on ourselves ? I really don’t know .

I know it won’t feel like it but I promise you this feeling will pass . No guarantees it won’t come back but you’ll get some good tools to deal with it next time and bat it away quicker .

The trick is to try and change the self to talk to something nicer or use the distraction technique like your other lovely people have said to try . I know this feels impossible when you’re in a hole 🕳.

Pesky knees give them a good old squirt of magnesium .. it’s lovely stuff and it also does relax you a little . Do seek out an X-ray though if you aren’t really sure what’s causing the problem with them . Knees do like a rest so see if you can pop them on a little pouffe when you’re watching tv . If they are red and inflamed pop some frozen peas on them .

I’ll stop lecturing you now on knees 😂.

Sending you the biggest hug and post again to let us know you’re ok xxxx 😘😘

[Marva91 in reply to Tiggywoos]

Thank you very much that's very helpful, I will try the magnesium

[Tiggywoos in reply to Marva91]

You’re very welcome . Hope you’re being kind to yourself xxx

[Marva91 in reply to Tiggywoos]

Trying to be it is so hard in the real world. F-T job, single parent. It is too much. If not working or earning my family thinks I am lazy. I cant even pay to for rent. I am struggling so much. My daughter don't listen to me. Challenges with my ex. The thought of working and seeing my colleagues makes me cry. I am always undervalued, seen as the weakest one. I made a mistake having a child now I am suffering with my health and a child, miserable workplace that i cant even change because it is so close to me. I am so dumb that I can't even read books and do something that I might like in future. I am failure in life.

[Spanielmadlady in reply to Marva91]

You are neither a failure or lazy so please don't think that...your confidence ,self esteem and inner strength have disappeared into your boots.im a single mum of 2 ( both grown up now ) and as hard as it's been I wouldn't call either of them of a mistake...I now have 2 lovely grandchildren which are a joy.your gp can help you but you need to tell them exactly how you feel and be willing to accept help.citizens advice should be able to help you too and your work should make reasonable adjustments because you have a chronic illness.You can get through this but I think you need to reduce stressful challenges with your ex and be more assertive with those around you inc your daughter.just because you are unwell doesn't give them the right to run rings around you ! Xx

Have you told your Rheumatologist how much you are struggling ? X

[whisperit in reply to Marva91]

Hello Marva91,

Life is terribly tough for you right now. There are lots of good ideas in these answers, which I wont add to, except to say that you are doing the most important job in the world by looking after your child. You need and deserve the maximum help to do this. Do find out if there is a Family Support service in your area. Many of them can help with practical, day-to-day stuff that can be so hard to cope with when you are feeling ill. My local service has support workers who can do things like help in the mornings getting your child off to school, accessing childcare, shopping, sorting out paying bills, applying for benefits and just being a listening ear.

Hope things get better for you very soon x

[Spanielmadlady in reply to Marva91]

My youngest when he was under 18 used to go to young carers. They had after school clubs and trips and activities during the holidays .it gave him a break from me as well giving him support.he also mixed with other children in the same boat as him with either a sick parent or sibling .these services can be worth accessing if they are available in your area .

[Tiggywoos]

You certainly are not dumb ! You’ve really clearly explained to me how damn hard things are for you right now . Nobody ever should judge as they do not walk in your shoes .

I know it’s very difficult to talk to the GP but that is what they are there for .. trust me if they can help you with your low mood you will feel as though you can cope better .

I don’t know where you live in the UK but are there any parent groups you can join ? There must be literally thousands of single mums who feel exactly the same as you ! My good friend is in her mid forties and had a baby in lockdown (didn’t think she could have one) and 3 years on she still questions herself and her parenting skills every day . She is a fantastic mum like I’m sure you are .

Being chronically Ill can be terribly depressing in itself and you really need someone you can talk to.

Promise me one thing … if you start to feel worse please call the Samaritans . They listen and don’t judge and are trained to deal with very low mood which you have .

Take care and post whenever you need to .

Make that call to gp tomorrow If you can xx

[Tiggywoos]

There are lots of people on here who will have a good understanding of benefits and what help is available to you . When you feel up to it so call Lupus Uk as you might be surprised what options are available to you financially xxx

[Tiggywoos]

Hey Marva Just checking in with you .. did you manage to get some sleep last night ? X

[BK47]

Dear Marva you are amongst friends here and I expect many of us have felt this way too at times. If it has completely got you down do ring Samaritans who are there just to listen which can be a comfort. There is also an app called Stay Alive which you can download. I used to walk miles in the evening to avoid meeting people! That helped me. Once you feel a bit better go to the local library where they have lists of charities that need help or organisations you can go to. Food banks and charity shops always need help and you’ll meet other people who will be very caring.Chat to your doctor who will have access to lots of help for you as well as anti depressants if you need them.

You’ve been very brave to share your feelings here which means you want to get better and live happier. Keep sharing because it will make you feel better to know we are all here for you.

Life has been awful for many people over the last few years BUT Things will get better ❤️