Divorce advice

[Tulipano]

I am currently living in an unhappy marriage. Been married for 15 years and I have 13 years old twice conceived by IVF because my husband had low sperm count and never enjoyed sex. He was my 1st and only man. I was 21 when I met him and 23 when I got married. Is over 12 years that he doesn't want to have sex with me. I am starting to believe he may be confused. As since i met him he never enjoyed sex. Cant believe he has no sexual desire. Since I got sick I realised that I want to live with someone who desire me and makes me happy. No miserable. I stayed with because he is a decent father and I have no family around. He doesn't support me much with my illness he says he does but doesn't do anything to make my life easier I.e. cleaning or coming with me at hospital appointments. I mentioned divorce he went crazy to the point I have got so unwell for a week that he made me say I was giving him another chance. Should I stay in a sexless marriage? I feel i am missing out in life. Would divorce make my health worse? I don't have any family support around I don't know if I am physically and emotionally strong enough to deal with him. Sorry for this post but I need someone to talk to. Any advice is kindly appreciated. Xx

[eekt]

Hi Tulipano, so sorry to hear of your difficulties. I remembered a post of yours saying your husband was abusive...I'm no expert, but if you contacted CAB or a woman's aid charity or a lawyer (if you have the means) it might be you could have him removed from the family home since you have the twins, still children (remembering it's mortgage-free) - there are very new laws to deal with domestic abuse.

If he's a decent father, maybe there's scope for separation/divorce while maintaining the family home for the children xxx

[Shorthouse]

I think living unhappily is terrible for our health.i would love to know how many of us have lived in stressful marriages before we got ill. Ieave him it can’t be any worse than what you have lived with .it took me too long. A waste of good years .love to you xxx

[LupusKaren]

Tulipano, lovely, you deserve to be loved, physically and mentally, if either of those two elements are missing, and you yearn it, go find your happiness. Been there, it was tough, but I found my Prince. That said, it will not be easy, but the longer you stay, the more your health could suffer. Life is too short to live in misery.

[Tulipano]

I am scared. How can I pass the fear? 😥

[Melbourne-Girl]

I agree with posts above and understand your fears (was in similar situation) so I really feel for you & your twins. Try hard not to show your fear & let him think that you are staying so that he relaxes more and things aren’t as bad for you. When you feel able to seek professional help without his knowledge & get a plan together of how you can leave without him finding out immediately if possible and work out a totally safe place that he will not be able to find you and your children. As our laws are different to the UK you will need to find out how to do this so he doesn’t know what your appointment is for, as he doesn’t go to your appointments you could be going re your lupus. The main problem that you may encounter is if he is a good father will be one of the twins could tell him (do you know how they feel about this situation). Whichever way you do it you need to make sure you are safe & I don’t think you will be if he can find you. This needs to be really impressed when you see professionals about it,

When you move away to a safe place that he is not aware of then you will find you meet other caring people in your life who are not only friends, they also feel like they are family. There are a lot of good people out there and these are the kind of people that you should have in your life. It does not happen overnight though so be prepared to gradually know these people. Give some thought about not telling them about your husband as this will create more ways that he can find you. It is easier to say you have had a lot of sadness in your life but don’t like talking about it, you are creating a new beginning.

There may be new laws re domestic abuse but if a partner or husband wants to hurt you or worse no one can stop them. This is something I have witnessed in other people’s situations, whatever you do don’t rely on this.

Stay safe & then you can be happy Tulipano.

Best of luck, my heart & soul are with you

Melbourne-Girl

Suzee xxx

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4 leaf shamrocks for love, luck and good outcomes

[cathie]

I agree with the advice above. Get advice, prepare to be self sufficient and have somewhere to go when you’re ready or need to go. And tell someone you can trust. Xx good luck

[Cann]

This is a difficult one and I know some of what you are saying. I, too, am in a similar situation. All my married life I have had to stand up for myself because of verbal abuse and on one occasion almost physical and I have threatened to leave and actually left on 2 occasions, but the second I came back for my daughter's sake. There are good points though and I think I would rather be like this than alone and he is not a bad person, but could do with therapy of some sort. I had therapy to help me to cope with it, but, of course, the immune symptoms are difficult to deal with and I still have to look after myself. I had the symptoms before we met and they improved for a while afterwards, but have returned with age.

I think the problem was his childhood and I have resigned myself to the fact that he will never change. As I have aged and found time for myself, standing up to him and saying what I want as opposed to him getting his way all the time has helped me. This is my life's learning journey, I feel.

Up to now he has provided the financial support and without this, I would be finished.

I could not work with my symptoms and I am able to look after myself between doing the household necessities.

You must do what is right for you. You are asking if you should stay in the marriage. Only you can really decide this. You sound as if you are young enough to work and start out again, so perhaps that would be right for you.

No-one can really say what is right for someone else because they are not in their shoes.

I would try some therapy for the fear, though, because you shouldn't fear doing what is right for you - or may be it is not the right thing to do for you.

All the best in working it out and for the future.

[Lisalou19]

Abuse varies, it doesn’t have to be someone who physically hits another person . He maybe confused or it maybe a tactic used to cause you self doubt it’s very hard to to understand his reasoning for not engaging sexually with you. He may have underlying issues so I would strongly advise if you can seek relationship counselling, that may help. I received a lot of support some years back with a charity called safer places, they were remarkable and gave me the knowledge I needed to realise the abuse I was going through.

X

[Tulipano in reply to Lisalou19]

The thing is that makes me feel he is confused is that he doesn't like female part apart from breasts.

[Lisalou19 in reply to Tulipano]

To be honest I don’t like any men’s bits, but I’m not interested in women. I had a terrible relationship which has put me off for life. I’m using this as an example as their maybe an issue he is living with that you are not aware of. Without trying to search together you will most likely never find out.

Sometimes people can’t show love in a way that we will feel it should be shown.

I would still remain open to it could be mental abuse. Which is horrible if you are on the receiving end. If you feel you can’t do relationship counselling together , then you need to do it for yourself. It’s important not to just plod along feeling unhappy xx

[Melbourne-Girl]

There are some great responses here. The most important one is that with the councillors that you seek help and you find a situation that is totally right for your circumstances.

Do you think that he would be open to counciling?

I think he may be more amenable to this if you find your councillor first as they will be able to advise you of some of the best ways to approach this with him as they will hear from you about your entire situation and clearly you are balanced and fair even to write he is a good father.

When I think about what I know from your post it may not be possible to have the loving part of sex in your relationship with him and that matters a lot in a healthy relationship and gives you the feeling of a really good connection as long as he can be taught to talk to you about anything and you can have good communication too. A therapist will work with you to see if this is a possibility with your husband. They may suggest if he agrees to therapy that you still see someone on your own as well to ensure that it is really working for you and discuss other possibilities.

I am not sure if you experience much verbal and emotional abuse from him but understand that feeling he does not want you sexually would be devestating to someone who would love to have a healthy relationship with their husband.

Have the twins ever noticed or said anything about this when comparing your relationship to some of their friends parents?

Let us know how you go in finding the right therapist. Sometimes you may have to try a few to have one that totally gets you and you have complete confidence in them.

Best always

Suzee xxxx

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[maxyhealth]

sorry to say this and I do not mean to be impolite but are you sure he is not gay?

[Tulipano in reply to maxyhealth]

I keep thinking about it x it does seem strange