I need some advice please. My marriage is falling apart. My husband is very short tempered and aggressive with everyone especially with me. I am afraid even to say anything to him. He shouts a lot and stresses me so much. He mentally abuse me such as saying I have **** taste and look scary with make up. I am so fed up. I don't want to be with him anymore but I am scared to leave him as I can't work. I have 12 years old twins with him and we are mortgage free. I asked him to leave but he won't. What do you think I should Do? Sorry I know is no lupus related but I have no one I can talk to. Thank you xxx
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Tulipano
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So sorry to hear this, could you go to Citizens advice for help, they maybe able to advise you what your options are. At a time like this you need all the support you can get.
I know exactly what your going through I'm going through the same thing except my kids are out of the house. I've learned to say to myself I am beautiful and he's the one who's ugly. I can't leave I still have a large mortgage.i do work but my income is not enough. I have issues that llimit my hours. If you need to get out there are agencies that can help. Stay strong and good luck
Also, Samaritans is a really really wonderful organisation especially for support when you’re struggling to cope in any way (eg any sort of worries) have you contacted them - they help via email &/or telephone 24/7 now:
Tulipano, I am so very sorry you are going through all of this. I will keep this short and to the point, please consider contacting any of the links that have been posted. The link I have posted, I can recommend, do not be scared off by the language used, such as domestic abuse, emotional abuse is just as devastating. I do not want to say too much, but this organisation are truly wonderful.
It takes great strength to reach out of help, I really hope you can get some help, and ultimately find peace and happiness.
I also pm her told her to have the police on speed dial I’m not sure where she is but I know in Scotland the laws changed last year about domestic abuse and they wud remove him from house no matter what it’s sad that she is going through this but asking for help is the hardest but first step x
I am so sorry to read your post and really feel for you. I was in a similar position 20 years ago, so understand. To cope with lupus and this on top is beyond imagination. I agree with what the others have said. On a day you feel strong contact citizens advice. May I also suggest you see your GP too so you get support and also for him/her to keep a paper trail of what abuse you are receiving. (Which you shouldn't be) Please keep posting if you need advice. Take care xx
Sorry to hear how tough things are. There's no excuse for bullying like that, and I'd urge you to pick up n the suggestions here. Domestic abuse services are very understanding when you are in a situation like this, and won't put pressure on you x
Well done for seeking some support. All of the suggestion above are great. Keep communicating with people around you. Don't feel isolated and alone. Don't lose your voice. Thinking of you and hoping to hear more from you x
Hello my name is Becky, I am so sorry to hear what you are going threw. This will be the First time I have posted anything on here. I have Lypus- Sjögren’s - fiber myalgia - everyday is a struggle even with support, I can’t imagine trying to deal with everything with out support. I will keep you both in my prayers. The Bible is a great source of positive strength and encouragement. If he gets physical with you you will need to go somewhere safe till he can get help. Wishing you both the best life has to offer, hang in there.
Hi Tulipano, You have gotten some great advice from all. Just know we are here for you. No one should have to endure what you are especially when they have a chronic illness. I am not familiar with the social services there but that is a good place to start. It’s sometimes very scary to take that first step but know we are all rooting for you. Take good care of yourself. Your twins are lucky they have you to help them through this as well. God bless xo Nan
So sorry to read your post, all the other posts have offered all the excellent advice to give so I cannot offer any other than don’t leave the marital home, after seeking the relevant advice or a solicitor, apply for a restraining order and wipe this cowardly bully off the bottom of your shoe!
Good luck Tulipano, will be thinking of you’re twins and you,
Hello again, Citizens Advice will be able to inform you of solicitors available in your area. If you ring Citizens Advice ask to make an appointment to go and see them. If you Google Citizens Advice in your area, you should come up with a telephone number to ring. Please say it is urgent. If you are thinking of going directly to see a solicitor Google Matrimonial Solicitors in your area to make an appointment Good Luck xx
Sorry he’s such a git. Are you in the U.K. Contact the local women’s Center, if you can’t find the address your go should be able to help. You really need to get out of this relationship it will be making your lupus worse. Get a good solicitor. My daughter has just gone through a similar situation and was divorced in 6 months. You could force your husband to either sell the house and give you your share or the money equivalent. Maybe some maintenance if you are unable to work, caused I suspect largely due to his treatment of you. I really hope you can sort this out with taking too great a toll on you. Lots of hugs be brave and good luck xx
I struggled with an abusive ex, I finally got help from an organisation called safer places! Abusive relationships are difficult to leave, but when you have an experienced individual who will warn you of the tactics these people use , it opens your eyes to what abuse really is!!!!
I can honestly say since getting rid of that in my life I have been able to experience real happiness.
Only you can be willing to change your circle , stop the roundabout motion of good days then bad. It’s better to live free and on your own , then be miserable with a in a relationship status.
Spreed your wings a fly, and find your real you xx
Dear Tulipano - my heart goes out to you. Sound advice from others - Talk to as many organisations as you can - there is support out there. I know you have private messages as well as these supporting you. I hope you don’t feel as alone. Good luck
Stand up to him and tell him you won't take his abuse. I have been there. They are cowards and bullies. I am still with mine and I still have to stand up to him at times. It is their problem, not yours and you could ask him to seek help. You may have a very heated argument, but in the end he will respect you for it. If he doesn't like your tastes, ask him what he does like and try to compromise, but don't take abuse. I asked mine why he was so abusive to me and suggested we part, but he said it wasn't me, but he wouldn't tell me what it was, so I said that he had to stop it, I would not be his punching bag. One day he lifted his hand to hit me, I said go on then, do it, it will be the first and last time you do it and the end for us.
Your case is same as mine. He won't tell me what his problem is and I said I can't take it anymore. I said I will go to a solicitor this week and he said he will ask the GP for help. I told him that this is his last chance. He tried to say that part of it is my fault as I provoke him. I ask him to give me an example but he couldn't think of any. This is so hard for me. 😥
I was very ill at the time and I found out later that it was fear with him that I was going to die and leave him. His mother was ill all his childhood and he never knew if she would be at home when he came home from school.
I got him to see a healer that was helping me. He only went once, but almost cried and stopped himself due to fear of making a fool of himself.
Go with your gut feeling and encourage him to go to the GP first and perhaps other help after if not successful. I had to be my husband's counsellor in the end and still have to be!
Lots of great advice here...it’s not easy. Protect yourself with Citizens Advice or Safer Places, If you think that there’s a possibility..Marriage Guidance. Don’t be on your own ring for support. Best wishes Kevin
You have received a lot of good advice here, please stay strong and have courage. Women's Aid is a great organisation which I encourage you to check out: womensaid.org.uk/
We are here to support you, take care and best wishes.
Tulipano my heart aches for you. I live in Canada so am not sure what the laws are in GB but if you get ahold of a transition house (some say safe house) either by phone or online a worker will speak with you about what your rights are. I have worked with women (and once was one) who have experienced domestic violence in their lives. This is not about you please know. He has some flaws in his makeup to make him say the things that he does. Try not to personalize it , however difficult that is. Have you ever spoken to your Physician? Sometimes they have contact numbers for local shelters or domestic abuse centres. To have this darn illness and have a partner who is unkind must be so difficult. I am not sure about the laws in England but here in Canada the house would either be sold and the profits shared equally, or one partner must buy the other partner out. Women at the Transition Houses will guide you in whatever legal path you need to take. Please remember when he says negative things about or to you. It is not about you it is about him....
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