I don't normally post about how I am feeling - I prefer to bottle it up and then use humour as a defence mechanism. Today, however, I just want to scream. While I am nowhere near as bad as some of you, I am becoming more aware of some symptoms. For example, my Raynauds / joint pain is getting worse. I wake up in the mornings and either have to slowly unfurl my stuck-in-position fingers or try and move my stuck-in-position flat hand. Socks in bed? Sexy! Actually, no - necessary!
And the brain fog! Oh, my goodness! I had been putting this down to general forgetfulness or part of the "ageing" process (I'm 32, though) but when you get stuck in nearly every conversation, or you momentarily forget how to use simple things (mine was a stapler, just last week) and people start to give you funny looks that you begin to realise that it might not be so normal after all. The scary thing is that it feels "normal", so nothing mentally changes in me during these episodes. Do you know what I mean when I say that it feels normal? That's what makes it frustrating, because I am in a moment and not seeing myself from the outside. It's when it's over that I get frustrated with myself. I used to wonder how people with memory loss could get angry with themselves when they forgot things, or were struggling with words, but now I know. I have thumped my desk in frustration a fair few times this week, probably not helping my joints much but it feels so good.
Rheumy next week, so I will use him as a therapist for a bit!