How do you cope day to day

[Jill83]

My dad has stage 4 lung cancer. No treatment has ever helped him. How as a daughter do you help function.

I’ve a baby and 2 year old and I’m struggling to be happy. My dad knows it’s imminent and my mam cries. I don’t know what to do or say

[Hidden]

I have been on both sides of your situation ,that is a mother with young children helping my Mum with lung cancer with a poor out come .Also now I am a grandmother with grand children and I too have lung cancer stable at the moment .It really is hard from both sides .With my Mum I tried to spend a few hours on my own with her as she was alone but also I spent a few half days with her and the grandchildren .The children wore her out but she still wanted to see them and got great joy from them ,she liked to go out and although she could walk she also had a scooter and would scoot round parks shops whatever sometimes with an oxygen cylinder to boot .I did my best as she did hers we got the most out of things however small .Time spent together alone was also useful as I would take to see relatives she couldn't otherwise see and we sorted out our differences that has developed over the years .I still wish she was here she died quickly and peacefully aged 67years old .

Cancer treatment has moved on since then but my daughter who is twenty eight is more or less doing the same with me .I love to see my grandchildren and they give me endless pleasure but they also wear me out as I now have physical difficulties which limits what I can do with them .I find that frustrating ,I also get to see my daughter too alone at times for a coffee or time together .The thing is I know she is very busy with her young family so I try to leave her alone for some of her days off but I appreciate highly what she does do with me .

Perhaps your Mum needs some extra support is there a McMillan centre near you or just get her to ring the McMillan help line ,the people you talk to on these lines are very helpful and supportive for any member of the family including yourself .There are no right things to say sometimes all you as the cancer victim needs is to be hugged and loved and that's enough .Making tea or a cup of tea is good enough if your going to visit take your little ones out to play somewhere first so they are tired and quieter whilst visiting .But I myself never mind watching my grandchildren hurtling about in fact it makes me smile and gives me joy having a glimpse at the next generation.

Been happy yourself at this time is difficult you have so much going on and your been pulled in all directions ,have a chat with friends and try and accept it all for what it is .It doesn't mean you can't have pleasure and at this time indeed do and don't feel guilty about it as it will make you stronger in the long run and you will be able to give more .I hope this rather lengthy spiel helps .I will be thinking of you all Diane .

[Jill83 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I am so sorry your in this position.

We have holidays and nights away booked and I just can’t face going but feel guilty to my husband and kids if I don’t go but will feel guilty if I do. I can’t win.

He’s just been admitted urgently as they think his chord compression is back x

[RoyCastleHelpline Partner Ask the Nurse Roy Castle]

Diane has shared her experience and has made some useful suggestions re Macmillan support. Like you,many family members are unfamiliar communicating and caring with someone with a terminal illness. These emotions you are experiencing are caused by sadness and the worry about your dads illness. You can only do your best for him,this requires time,empathy and trust.

I have attached a link with some useful suggestions for you to consider and share with your mum should you think appropriate. virtualhospice.ca/en_US/Mai...

Please don't hesitate to contact the nurse led Helpline Freephone 0800 358 7200 if you would like to talk to one of the nurses.

Kind regards,

All the team at the Roy Castle Helpline.

[Jill83 in reply to RoyCastleHelpline]

Thank you. I’ll have a read.

It’s just all so overwhelming x

[JanetteR57 in reply to Jill83]

You don't have to become an expert - but some of the information may help your understanding and on the Roy Castle lung cancer foundation website there are many resources in terms of information about the conditions and treatments in bite sized pieces to help grasp. As you say, the overwhelming emotions can make it hard to focus or concentrate but I do hope you can find the strength and courage emotionally to be there for your dad and kids at this difficult time. thinking of you x

[Jill83 in reply to JanetteR57]

Thank you so much for your kind words x

[Jill83 in reply to RoyCastleHelpline]

Will I get lung cancer? Is there a genetic link?

[RoyCastleHelpline Partner Ask the Nurse Roy Castle in reply to Jill83]

Dear Jill

Research is ongoing in this area, as with many cancers. At present there is no genetic test for this in regards to lung cancer, however any potential genetic link for cancers, increases the risk of the cancer and not the disease itself.

Other factors may be involved in increasing the risk which can be found on our website, this is the link:

roycastle.org/about-lung-ca...

This link provides information from Cancer Research UK on 'Family history and inherited genes'

cancerresearchuk.org/about-...

Our Freephone nurse helpline number 0800 358 7200

All the best

The Roy Castle Support Team