My Mum - the saddest day

Hi all, I am typing this as I sit by my Mum's side in hospital. Dad was advised to call my brothers & I in yesterday morning in the early hours & we have all been here since. Mum is very peaceful due to medication & we have had time to tell her all we want to, I've had some lovely chats (all one-sided) and we are now just waiting for the inevitable. Mum had a chest x-ray for a pain in her side 6 months & 3 days ago. At that point she was a healthy, active & vibrant 67 year old. None of us can get our heads around the speed with which this disease has destroyed her body. We know her spirit remains strong & she is still the same amazingly special wife, mum & nana, in time we will put aside the memories of the last 6 months of hell & only have the beautiful memories. I am sorry to have to put this blog on but know I need to share this. My brothers & I will stay strong for our dad & own families because that is what mum would want us to do. We are all heartbroken but feel privileged to have had her in our lives. Love Alli x

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  • Hi Alli.

    I know we're all going to come to this stage at some time, but that dosn't make it any easier. I think this point is probably about as bad as being given the dreaded news of cancer at the start.

    Soon, no more suffering, just happy memories.

    We're all with you. Love Bill x

  • Oh I'm so sorry for you all. I also know how rapid the desease can take on as I see it each day with my own mum. A friend of mine was called to her dads bedside two weeks ago and said goodbye, then again and again.... yesterday he was out in his wheelchair in the sunshine ? its bizarre at times. Be strong. My thoughts are with you xx

  • My mum is on the same slippery slope and only a few short weeks behind yours. I am 52, the eldest son and head of our whole family, but when it came to my mum's diagnosis I became a helpless child all over again. Fighting the disease was invigorating, but now mum has given up I'm just numb. I hope your pain turns into happy memories. God bless.

  • Geoff, I hope your mum doesn't suffer too much & for too long. You will find strength, don't be too hard on yourself as I'm sure you've been a massive support to her. Joy, I wish your mum continued health & you more happy memories. Bill, you stay strong & healthy, you are an inspiration. This is what I wish for you all, I have massively benefitted from all your support. Thank you! Love Alli xx

  • Dear Alli,

    so sorry to read your blog today, this is a dreadful time for you. Just to let you know my thoughts are with you and your family. I pray your mum stays pain free and that you are all staying strong for each other. I know it doesn't make it any easier just hold on to all the womderful memories you have and how you have been blessed with such a wonderful mum.

    Love Lyn xx

  • Dear Alli, I am so sorry to hear your news today, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Be strong for eachother and stay together, you will need eachother so much more now.

    Keep your memories close.

    Love Janette xx

  • Dear Alli, Just to let you know we're all thinking about you and your family. x

  • Dear Alli

    So sad to hear your news, thinking of you and your family and my prayers are with you all. Keep your wonderful memories of your amazing mum close by.

    Philippa

    x

  • oh ali, feel so much for you, i have read all your posts over the last couple of months. I have cried through most. my thoughts are with you and your family, call her best friend in if she has a particular close friend if you can that was the only regret i had, there just wasnt time... i am at a true loss at what to say apart from hold her hand and dont stop telling her you love her. xxx stay strong and believe we are all thinking of you. xx

  • Thank you all for your comments. My mum passed away just after midday leaving us all heartbroken. My dad seems shattered by this, they would have been married 44 years in July. I miss her so much. X

  • oh ali so so sorry. i hope it was as pain free as possible. have some time alone so you can grieve a little, stay strong xxx sending you love. xxx

  • Alli... . How heartbreaking for you.... I left my mum tonight after having a lovely chat with her, we said so much. Reading your posts on here inspired me to do that. I want you to know that you have helped me by giving me courage to face upto that. My mum only has weeks to live. I turned to this page in desperation, for support and guidance and your honest approach helped like you wouldnt believe. ... I think your amazing mum left behind an amazing legacy in you.

    Stick close together now. xx

  • Hello. I'm in bed with tears flowing, I have cried so much over the past 6 months it feels as natural as breathing. I talked with my dad for a long time last night, his world has been turned upside down but he has promised not to do anything silly. The pain is so immense & raw at the moment we need to look out for him. Joy, I'm so pleased you can go & visit your mum & just talk, cherish each time as I'm sure you do. I will be thinking of you all & so pleased I found this forum. I used to tell my mum the positive stories, hoping they would give her that extra fighting spirit she needed. I would give anything for 1 last day or even hour with her but wishing for this is pointless. It's just do hard to get my head around never seeing her, hearing her voice, receiving a phone call. I know it's eat days & maybe unfair of me to be on here when I am so desperately sad so I will take some time to come to terms with losing my mum, if I can. I will still read the blogs & will be wishing you all good things. Love Alli x

  • Hello Alli, Its very soon and of course everything will feel sad and raw. Try and help each other through, we all grieve differently and give your self time. If your dad is really struggling I would urge him to see his gp. I waited a year after my mum died before I realised I had become depressed and needed a little bit of help.A day at a time; you don't lose memories they just become more precious with time. My thoughts are with you and your family.x

  • Thank you Kat. Dad & I went to see Mum today which was lovely. Dad is planning on seeing her every day & I would like to do the same. We had an honest chat & dad is being completely open about how he feels. I haven't let mum go yet, I'm not ready. Dad is seeing his gp Monday. This is a very surreal time, I'm in a daze some of it & being a busy mum the other time. Guess I need to take each day as it comes. X

  • My dear Alli

    I was very sorry to hear your news. Take each day as it comes and one at a time. You will all go through the days ahead differently but the wonderful thing is you have each other for care and support. Be kind to yourself as you are raw and most probably in complete disbelief which is natural at such a time . Your Mum will not be far away and you can keep your loving, precious memories to share and comfort you all in the days ahead and for always. Thinking of you. Joanna xxxx

  • Hi Alli

    I am so sorry to hear your news, I hope that you can take comfort in the times you had with her and enjoy the memories that will never go away.

    Sending you loads of love

    Helen xx

  • hi Allli, Stay strong Alli, big hugs to you and your family xx

  • Hi Alli,

    Sorry for the late post ,I have just returned from the USA today from attending a conference for lung cancer survivors.I am so sorry to hear about your Mum,I do wish I could offer you with some words of comfort that could ease your burden,please pass on to your Dad that my thoughts are with him and all his family, in this most difficult time.Best Wishes and God Bless.

  • I feel your pain Alli, i too lost my mum the same way in 2010, i still miss her everyday & live with the void.. My dad misses her daily too, life can be very cruel.. sorry for your loss.

  • Thank you, it's been almost 4 weeks now & is getting harder as we feel the loss more each day. I knew it would be the saddest & hardest thing to go through but it's far worse than I could have imagined. I'm sorry you lost your mum & sorry for your dad. My mum & dad were inseparable, my dad is coping but only because of his children & grandchildren, not because he truly wants to. I know his evenings are very difficult & lonely. I can't see it getting easier. X

  • Dear AlliTB, I am very sorry for your loss. I am at the beginning of my Dad's lung cancer and the fear is overwhelming me, which on reading back sounds so utterly selfish. My Dad lost his wife, my Mum when I was a teenager his grandchildren are his world and keep him as strong as can be expected.

  • Hi Emmy, it is very unfair that you & your dad are going through this having lost your mum already. My mum's story is not a happy one but please stay on this website as there are many success stories. Dobt beat yourself up at all for any of the emotions you will feel, just make sure to share them as you are not alone. Try not to read too many things about lung cancer as they can be scary & zap your strength & positivity. There are many people with happy outcomes so try & stay focused on your dad doing well. I really wish you both all the very best & will be sending positive thoughts your way. I am seeing my dad at least 3 times a week with my girls & he is seeing my brothers & their children often as well. It is so important to keep spirits up & alive. Good luck! Xx

  • AlliTB, My Dad is not being treated as he also has emphysema and an aortic aneurysm. His age is against him also. His health in the last few days has dipped quite dramatically, although I am sure there is worse to come. We have no outside help apart from occupational health visiting a few months ago. When we left hospital after his minor heart attack (which picked up the tumour during the c.t scan ) I begged them not to send him home without making sure he had the relevant help in place. He has no one to talk to about his fears and wishes, yes he could talk to me but I think he knows it would be like torture. I have two girls aged 7yrs and 3yrs. My girls are with him every day at least one a day, more when on school holidays, I can already see my 7 yr old daughter 's concern written all over her face. Such a terrible illness, so hard to watch someone you love become so very ill. Love to you all x

  • Emmy, I'm so sorry, nothing I can say will make you feel better, I only wish U could. I bet your girls give your dad so much joy, I hope this gives you both strength to deal what's ahead. My youngest, Siena is now walking, she's only just 11 months. I keep thinking, if only mum had lived another few weeks she would have seen her youngest grandchild walk, but then I would move it on to Siena's 1st birthday in July, my parents wedding anniversary & my 40th, which are also in July. No amount of time would have been enough so all I can say is spend all the time you can with your dad, as I'm sure you will. You will all cherish those times as I do. You can tell me anything & offload all you like. X

  • AlliTB,

    just to say in your first line you said "nothing I can say will make you feel better" but you did make me feel better by offering me someone to offload onto, It is a huge comfort to know that I can turn on the computer and type and someone will read and understand. Thank you. We have an appointment on Tuesday to speak to the lung nurse"to discuss which direction we go in". Tuesday feels like it looming it's ominous head over me. My Dad says he's very scared, in a way I want to shield him from this but I am guessing it could be the opportunity for him to make choices and ask important questions. I have nothing but admiration for those of you that have gone through and are curently going through this and those that have supported others. Lots of love x

  • Hi Emmy, I'm so pleased that you are finding some comfort from this website & hopefully all of us. We do understand fully what you are going through & hope that Tuesday's appointment gives you the necessary answers & a path to follow. I spent this afternoon with my dad & know how hard I would find it if he was to become ill so I can only offer you a virtual hug & a permanent ear. I will be thinking of you & please let me know how you get on. Take care & cuddle your children. Mine are what make me get up each day. Lots of love & luck xx

  • Hi All.. I just wanted to let you know that I lost my mum on Saturday June 2nd leaving us devastated too. It's been three long weeks and mums funeral only took place last wednesday. To everyone else going through this, make everyday count, say everything, I told my mum she was my hero and she was, I will never meet anyone as brave as long as I live. Myself, dad and sister are trying to cope and we are there for each other. It is so difficult and so sad. my mum and dad had been married 51 years and together since teenagers. Mum never once complained, she always had a smile. I miss her so much.

    my ONLY regret is not asking enough questions maybe through fear. I wish everyone on here well. xxx

  • Hi Joy, I'm so sorry, I know exactly how you feel & the deep pain & loss. I wish I had some magic words which would comfort you, it truly is the worst time & my heart goes out to you all. I see my dad at least 3 times a week & my brothers do the same but we know he is still desperately lonely without the love of his life. I also know though, that as a family we are all helping each other & that is what you will do. It's natural to have regrets & to question what you did, didn't do, say or didn't say, but I'm sure you did all you needed to. I still ask myself if my mum knew just how much I love her but I know deep down she did. I will always wish we'd had longer, as you will. Maybe our mums are together looking down & wishing us some release from our grief. If your mum was like mine she worlds not want you to be suffering & would want you to keep going. My dad & my 2 girls are what get me up each day, I hope you fine your strength but understand it's such early days. I will be thinking of you Joy & wishing you happiness in time. Take care. Xx

  • I have just been through the final stages. We nursed mum 24/7 in her last week and eventually welcomed her last breath on 3rd July....a blessed release after a horrible death. The funeral is over and the numbness just grows every day. I am an architect who spent 30 years specialising in healthcare. I built large parts of the two hospitals that my Mum was "treated" at and feel utterly let down by both of them. I will never work for the NHS ever again. They are a disgrace.

    However, the support we got from the District Nurses was fantastic and beyond our wildest expectations. Mum was nursed at home and the nurses were always only 10 minutes away after a phone call. They cared so much for the whole family.

    I damn the local Macmillan service to hell. They were bullying, officious and insensitive by sharp contrast to the District Nurses. The Macmillans were just angels of doom who did nothing but upset us and the patient. The last one upset my Mum so much in her last week alive that we had to kick her out of the house. Support your district nurses..they are the only heroes available to you.

  • Hi Geoff

    I'm so sorry to hear about your mum and also your experience through the NHS and Macmillan nurses. I hope in time your distress lessens and does not impact on the healing process. It's a long road Geoff, I can't say it's any better for us yet and I don't expect it to be for some time. It is my mum and dad's 44th wedding anniversary today and I have been with my Dad all morning and we went for lunch and toasted my Mum. I hope you can have times like that in the near future and I really do wish you and your family all the best. Take care of yourself and stay in touch if it helps to vent. No point keeping it all inside, you have enough to deal with. Alli xx

  • My thoughts are with you all xxxx

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