It is 8:30pm.Panic attack. Could not breathe.want to go out for a walk

[conquestofhappiness]

My 9 years old hugged me and said, mommy pls don't go. I explained mommy is upset and just want to take a walk. He replied, it is already dark. it is cold and raining outside. what if you encounter a bad guy when you are walking? Then you will be unhappier.

My dear sweetheart, you are always so caring and loving, what should I do to love you back? I am always worried that I did not do enough as a mom. I want to be a perfect mom but always got frustrated. I hate myself. Should I always hide my upset from my young children, or should I let them know mommy is upset? If I let them know, will that scare them or negatively affect them? I wish I can cut off the depression "tradition" in my family so my kids can live happily when they reach adulthood.

[wantobefree]

Ahhh this is a great question. I have asked my self the same many times. I have two kids too. 16 and 9 year old. I have done both. Sometimes I have hid my feelings and sometimes I have let them out. And maybe that balance is key. It is ok for children to know that we parents are humans and we are also in a journey to be better. We also are learning, we also make mistakes, fall and get up. It is an example that we are real. I think the problem is if we are constantly struggling and we can’t get out of bed or care for them, or we are being violent with them, that’s when we should seek help because that’s when we are hurting them.

If your depression is getting in the way of actually caring for them then you should seek help and talk to your children so they know that you are a bit sick and need a doctor to help you get better, always reassure them though that you will get better and of course that you love them.

I hope you feel better soon. Keep me posted.

[conquestofhappiness in reply to wantobefree]

Thank you for your reply. I have never been violent to my kids, and whenever I have an episode of depression or anxiety attack, I could make sure my kids are in safe hands before I lock myself up.

But sometimes, i cannot find anyone to take care of them when I have an episode, so i have to bite the bullet and take care of them as usual (even though i was on the verge of mental breakdown deep from inside). You know, I have two young kids, they are lovely but they can be really noisy sometimes. And they fight with each other too. So what often happens is that-- they play with each other for 10 minutes, then one kid cries and shouts " he hit me/ he is mean to me/ he takes away my toys/he is not sharing" etc. Then the other one shouts out the contrary. I have to be there to mediate. And sometimes they don't do their homework but just play computer games, and they won't listen to me when I ask them to do the homework first. If I am also in a depression episode that time, I tend to have a mental breakdown. I would not be able to hold my emotions and would start to cry uncontrollably. When they see me cry, they'd stop all their mischief and come over to hug me. But I just wonder if it's alright to cry so badly like this in front of them? Will my sadness cast any shadow on them? They are 9 and 5, still quite young.

The other thing is, i am definitely not a very cheerful person after I started my struggle with anxiety years ago. I can tell jokes to my kids when I am OK, but I tend to speak very little when I am anxious or depressed (I actually would like to talk to someone to vent it out, but there is no good candidate. My husband HATES me talking about my emotion and my kids are too young to take it. So i have to shut up and slowly digest my own darkness). I think the kids benefit much more from a cheerful parent, and i am sorry that i cannot be one of those parents.

[vyasas_sanscrit in reply to conquestofhappiness]

My mother was severely depressed until I was about 13. I would say get talk therapy and do everything in your power to get better for your kids. My mom finally got ect treatments and that brought her out of her depression. She was like a totally different person. She started taking care of herself and even worked for a few years. I really hope you get help for your own benefit as well as your family

[conquestofhappiness in reply to vyasas_sanscrit]

Thank you for sharing with me from the children's perspective ! I'll try my best to at least alleviate my symptoms, but I do hope one day I can completely recover from my depression and anxiety.

[wantobefree in reply to conquestofhappiness]

I’m sorry you feel like there is no one to talk to, I’m sorry that your husband does not support you that way. I hope you are able to get therapy, but it is important to try to get your husband involved as well, you shouldn’t have to go through this alone.

[conquestofhappiness in reply to wantobefree]

It's ok, i no longer hold any illusion that he could be supportive. He told me he does not want to hear about any bullshit of how I feel. He does not think depression is an illness and does not bother to understand it.

[wantobefree in reply to conquestofhappiness]

Im sorry!! why are you married to him??

[conquestofhappiness in reply to wantobefree]

Good question. My marriage is a complete mistake. I guess I was too young when I got married and I was from a culture that girls were supposed to marry as virgins and divorce was viewed as a stigma etc -- you know those cultures.

Even my kids can see my marriage is not a good fit (even though I seldom quarrel with my husband). Once one of my kids read a time machine book and said, mom, if you could restart your life, i guess you wouldn't marry my dad again. I nodded. He then got worried " I know dad does not care for you. But if you wouldn't marry him again, you wouldn't be able to give birth to me and my brother. How terrible that'd be that we wouldn't even meet each other in this world! You know mom, you are the person I love most in this world. "

So i guess my marriage is a complicated issue. At least for now, I'd like to provide my kids a stable family environment. My husband is only not supportive to my mental needs and reluctant to do any housework, but he is OK otherwise, and he also plays with kids from time to time. At least i don't have any domestic violence issues. For now, I can treat him as a business partner for a joint venture of raising the kids. And for a business partner, it's OK that he does not want to know my emotional ups and downs and be supportive.

[wantobefree in reply to conquestofhappiness]

I think you deserve best. Why settle? for the kids? because you want a stable family environment for them? is it really stable? They already know that you are unhappy; stability has many forms, not only having a mommy and a daddy in a house, but a home with emotional stability, with actual love. The best gift you can give your kids is your happiness, because when you are happy, that reflects on their lives. Sometimes we make excuses like "at least I don't have domestic violence issues" just because we do not want to leave our confort zone. But sometimes we have to leave our comfort zone to find the live that we deserve.

Good luck to you! Remember you are more powerful that you think, you are stronger than you think. Just Believe.