You are where you are for good reason. I know its difficult to wait for an answer when it’s a thing that you care deeply about. And you cannot quickly fix it. it’s difficult not having it the way that seems like it should be. Sometimes life is messy. Sometimes it takes time. Its difficult when you think it’s your fault but there are bumps on every road. its all part of the story that leads to the realization, of the flow, and of peace. I haven’t gotten there fully, only in peices, but there is a whole to become.
I am really anxious but came up with t... - Living with Anxiety
I have been having suicidal thinking a lot even though I have been functioning better and without panic attacks well i feel like I will just burst with the pain I feel yet I can’t seem to cry and maybe I should be yelling but I’m tired of living. I love my life soooooo much. But I just sometimes really don’t want to be. I am horrible I know for even thinking about that with the beautiful ones who need me to be.
You are NOT horrible, you FEEL horrible. Your feelings are not a value or merit judgement! You won't always feel like this. But you have to rehearse your reasons for Being--Being loved, Needed, Being created uniquely You, for a Purpose. A world you have left is NOT okay. If you keep hanging in, life WILL BE OKAY AGAIN. Ending the body's life does not end pain.
"Never, never, NEVER give up!"
And if you think you should be yelling, you probably should be.
If is PERFECTLY HEALTHY to yell into a pillow, drive or hike to an overlook or open field and yell your heart out!!! Sometimes we have seen our circumstances--or our awareness & gratitude for them--improve, but feel confused that our feelings haven't caught up yet. So dealing with our EMOTIONS is different than dealing with an ISSUE, and so often we need to address them separately!!
Labeling an emotion while sitting on a psych's (or friend's) couch is VERY DIFFERENT than EXPRESSING a heavy uncomfortable emotion, letting it MOVE THROUGH YOU, and out of you, rather than having it settle in your body as chronic pain.
Go yell it. Your pain is real and can be REALLY released even though it's original causes may be shifted, or gone, just because life is better doesn't mean you don't need to keep moving THROUGH pain and letting it move THROUGH you!!
I feel like a jumbled mess up and down moods and weight back and forth, in thinking in functioning and in feeling. I need to write it out. I also need to stick with healthy habits like the way I love and the art I create while I work to change the bad ones. I don’t know it seems like no matter what I do I can’t stop struggling for long.
My heart is sad. I’m in a lot of pain. I know I can’t end my life and I have so much guilt for thinking it.
I will try to let the pain slip out of me. After every difficulty comes ease. I’m awaiting ease. I’m hanging in there ploughing through.
SunnyD-light thank you for your response. You really touched on some things I had not been considering but that make sense.
I’m so tired of trying to keep my head straight it races so that it’s hard to see over the waves to see and help fix my precious kids problems they mean everything to me.