Health Anxiety is just plain exhausting. Some days are pure failure, and giving up is easier.

[Mrworrymaster]

Hello,

I hate to use the term "suffering" when describing my life with anxiety. At times I feel I don't deserve to say I'm "suffering from anxiety" because there are others who are truly suffering and my issues seem trivial in comparison. But, my health fears are with me every hour, of every day, causing my extreme sadness and leave me simply exhausted from the mental acrobatic act I perform endlessly as I wrestle with my fears.

For over a year now I have jumped from one disease to the next. Each one is real. Each one has symptoms. Sadly, each new disease is worse than the last, and has a very bleak chance of survival. I started with COPD scares, which when caught early (i'm in my 30's) leaves a person with a good chance of living a semi-normal life with treatment. Now i'm onto ALS fears, which leaves a person only years, and those years are slow torture as your family watches you crumble.

I know it's ridiculous. I know the odds are unlikely, in fact: extremely unlikely, that I have ALS. However, that doesn't stop the fear. Every time I reach for a cup, every time I pick up my kids, every time I hold my laptop bag, I am examining and going over every minute muscle use to "check" if it's performing normally.

Combine that with the constant checking in the mirror for muscle loss, or scouring the internet for early symptoms or others stories when they were diagnosed with ALS.

The sad part it here is that I'm becoming a sort of "idiot-expert" with medial diagnosis. I think I know what I'm looking for because I'm constantly searching the internet, or comparing symptoms. But the truth is, I work with insurance benefits and employment compliance for a living; I know absolutely nothing about the medical diagnosis application.

So where does this leave me? It leaves me exhausted. A shell of the person I once was. A man with a mask of happiness so I don't alert others. My mind is constantly churning over ideas of misery and sickness. But, throughout the day I maintain a somewhat coherent composure so I can function.

At night, when I'm alone, I want to cry. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of being depressed. I'm just plain tired.

It's hard to kick the health anxiety cycle once a person has had it long enough. This is because a person reaches a point to where their body is taxed and over run with chemicals reserved for "fight or flight" moments. So what happens? Anxiety creates symptoms, and those symptoms create anxiety.

I feel like giving up.

I don't have the answers, and I don't know how to truly beat anxiety. Because I haven't beaten it.

But.....true happiness for me is the brief glimpses of my former self. The good days. The days when I'm occupied with living life and forget my fears about my health. They are few and far from one another. But those days are precious.

Share your story. Maybe it will help. I always love to hear others, and compare. There is comfort in the companionship.

[Hidden]

I'm sure your already aware that searching your symptoms on the net is the worst thing you could do, you've become too sensitized to deal with the millions of symptoms you'll find there, you must try your hardest to resist searching, you should also speak to your doctor, perhaps your medication needs changing? perhaps you'd benefit from therapy? go and discuss these things with your doctor and tell him everything, tell him you need more help, tell him exactly how your feeling, anxiety/panic is an overwhelming illness for so many, your not alone, we can all relate here in one way or another, just get yourself to the doctor and ask for that extra help, you can talk here anytime too xxx

[Mrworrymaster in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Suzie. When I wrote this post I was at an extreme low. Today is a bit better.

I keep reminding myself that I've been so extremely anxious and depressed for so long that it has begun to manifest itself physically. My nerves are literally shot.

I've jumped from one disease to the next, so I can rationalize the probability of the disease i'm scared of...but it makes little difference at times.

I'm off medication, but perhaps it's time to try again. I'll find another therapist and take another go at this. Perhaps I can't do this on my own.

Thank you for the response.

[Hidden in reply to Mrworrymaster]

The more help and support you get the better you feel, you've nothing to loose by trying the therapy or doctors route again, it's a hard slog but we have each other here, wish you well xx

[Fearnie]

I had similar worries, anxieties. I took the plunge and went for counselling. It is amazing how you can open up to a stranger, tell them your concerns. It helped enormously. I was offered advice and guidance and now I feel a lot better. Perhaps you should give it a go. It certainly can't make you feel any worse. Good luck.