Bullets only hurt if you let them.

[Lils30]

Hello! This was said to me last night by a close friend after I recevied another nasty message. And I think its very true and everyone should try remember this when something nasty is said. I'm now going to bore you sorry its long I needed to get this out before I go to work!

I have battled with this constant stress and anxiety since last November although, I have always been a worrier and always battled with anxiety and maybe at time depression. My lovely boyfriend propsed to me on the night before my 30th birthday because he wanted me to have everything before I turned 30. Sweet! Both our families were really happy and excited, both my parents (who are divorced) and step parents have always really liked my partner and said we were very good for each other...of course I already knew that!

After being proposed to I said (nicely) to my family I would like some space to enjoy my enagement and figure out what we wanted. Everyone agreed this was the right thing to do, including my mum. I did not get this, for three weeks I recieved calls and text messages from my mum (more then once a day) about venues, dates, how i had to be quick and book somewhere, was i getting married in a church? she batted away my venue idea as it wasnt a church. I got Pictures of wedding cakes, pictures of bridesmaid dress, shoes, suits and wedding dresses. I'd wake up to like fifteen text messages a day and it want even 8 am! Ok so some people would say shes just excited. It was more then excitement it turned into controll. She even went to the exstent of buying my bridemaid dress, their shoes and jewellery, when I told her I wanted to go shopping with them! That really annoyed me. It all became too much, more so after I had learnt that my mum sent a nasty email to my dad and step mum about money (she also sent the email to my step mums work email address and everyone at her work read it too!) and the pressure was too much and I had to tell her to stop. She didn't like this and so we had a bit of an argument. My partner is not silly and relised what was going on so he took me round to my mum house the next day, to get things sorted. Bad mistake, we were sat down on the sofa like small children (we're 30!) and we were dictated to about our wedding. My mum went on and on about a church making it clear if we didnt choose a church she'd be so disappointed as she is a tradionalist (apprently), shes not even religious! And repeated her self what she said to me in texts. It was really not a nice conversation and we were put under so much pressure to make a descion there and then about a church because we needed to hurry! My partner even go shouted at when he said he was not going to be dictated to. She has always controlled me. It was then my partner realised how much pressure I was being put under. Thankfully my partner did not shout back at them out of respect, we said goodbye and left very quickly after! I have never seen him SO angry, hes norally very calm and he's always been polite to all my family members. We were still shaken by this a few days later and the only way we could think to get across to them was to write to them and explain to them we were very unhappy with the way we were spoken to that day, and we will not be spoken to like that again. It was a nice but factual and very clear and to the point, I even ran it past my dad and siblings! My mum and partner have very big personalities and I dont think anyone has ever stood up to them as a couple - and we heard NOTHING from our email. If it was me and my daughter I would want to repair what I had done strait away, so to get nothing was insulting.

Seven months went by and I was talking on and off to my mum trying to keep some sort of relationship going. She never asked about my partner, never mentioned the letter, or asked how he was etc it was like I was marrying Mr Invisable and our wedding was non exsistant! It wasn't until I had a very honest conversation to my step dad on the phone and I told him we were expecting a reply to that email and an appolgy. So seven months later we got an appology, even though I asked for one but I let that slide! We accepted the applogy and things started to feel ok again but we all knew that it would take time for relationships to build up again, and to regain some trust, espiacally after my partner got shouted at, he was uncomfortable to go round their house to start with but said we would meet up in public . Everyone needed to be ready, I knew this would take time because I wast sure if I was comfortable myself.

At the beginning of the summer I decided to go and stay with my mum for a weekend and go and try on some wedding dresses, we had a nice time and found a dress. Then on the last day she picked a fight with me, asking why my partner didnt come with me to stay (er... he was working!)... I explained that to her and also said that he had talked about meeting up somewhere nutral as he didnt feel comfortable coming round after being shouted at, let alone stay over. Anyway she flipped out saying that she was being disrespected (I'm sorry you have to earn respect) and she didnt know what was going on l let her rant and I went out for a walk but I was fuming and when I got back to her house I packed up and left. As I was packing up and leaving she said to me 'I don't want to you marry Tom', 'he's not good enough for you', 'your in denial' and 'I'm taking the money for the wedding away from you!' . Thank fully I was standing by the front door at that point and I knew she wanted me to shout back at her so I calmly replied (trust me I wanted to shout) 'How dare you say that you me' her reply was 'what do you mean?!' and I slammed the front door shut. Thought I'd let her think about it :). I knew there 'appology' was not meant.

I had the embarrassment of telling my lovely partner what my mum had said about him, I really didnt want to, I thought he would run away and leave me! and that we had lost the wedding money. We didnt know if we could afford to keep our choosen Venue and I then had to have the very embarrassing conversation with his mum (a single lady on a pension, who had already helped us buy a house) if she could stump up the rest of the money or help us pay for another venue. That was very stresssfull 48 hours I felt like I had lost my wedding. I relised that my mum and the wedding were two totally different things and not to mix them together.

I now havent spoken to my mum since June, the longest I have ever gone. I have had amazing support from my siblings who are younger but choose to get involved and dad they have convinced me when I've had a wobble, I'm in the right, I have done nothing wrong.Both my brother and sister are in long term relationships and they have both openly said are now scared to propose and be prosed to and to get married because of what I have been through. Thankfully my mum has given me all the money (with pressure from my brother and sister) that was promised to me back but she says she can't support me in my marriage anymore (I never asked her to!). She has soured every aspect of the wedding, even the ttable plans, we can't have a top table. She had upset/annoyed my partners family with what she has said, my dad and his partner (not that she will care about them but she should of chosen to be civil with them). Photos on the day, my partner is refusing to have photos taken with my mum and step dad, again unstandable, there is no way I would have my photo taken if my mother in law to be if she said nasty things about me! Every time we sit down to do some organising for the wedding something comes up because of my mothers actions and I dont think she even realises.

I have since offered her an olive branch to come to my dress fittings (not that I felt like it) shes rejected them so my younger sister (she still lives at home so she got a lot of stick for this) and sister-in-law-to-be came, it was hard not having her there. I am no longer leaving from her house to go to the wedding venue because I dont feel comfortable in getting ready there and I'm worried an argument will erpput and I'll end up walking to the wedding venue haha! I have told her this but said I do want her there at the venue to be there with me on the morning. I got no reply.

Last night she sent me a text message saying she is not well from all of this and she does not have the strength to tackle it all anymore, and not to contact her from here on in. Er Thanks! SO I'll see you when I'm walking down the ilse then? Or are you just not going to bother turning up? I dont know what she thinks my partner and I have been through because of her action but we have most certainly not been skipping through fields and holding hands, which is what we are supposed to be doing we are so stressed! We have done so well to fight through this together and stay strong. If I'm honest I'm expecting her next message to be 'I'm not well enough to come". I'm so livid with her, I wanted her to be involved with everything, if she had just waited and let me come to her with my ideas then she would have been involved in everything, instread she choose to controll, like she always does. But I'm sitting here remembering what my friend said to me last night and she is so right. Bullets only hurt if you let them, Im going to try and remind myself of this for the rest of the day, it willl be her decission if she comes or not, not mine.

[Sandraann21]

R LILS what a story, you've been though a lot but Keep going your doing really well and you'll get there In the end, but your happiness is the most important thing, your husband to be clearly loves you so much and had great respect for your mum ( may be that's what she doesn't like ) cause your a lovely couple doing things your Own way for a change, well good on you both for going about it in such away your mum can only back off from you, you should both be so very proud of the way I which you have handle ALL this, things can only get better now for you both, stay positive xx

[Hidden]

You know what sweet if u and your hubby to be are a really strong couple and i think you are dont let anyone or anything stand in your way. I now what i'd do with what little bit of money that wasmine and my boyfriend i'd get down the regester office gwt married tell none of the family a thing about treat yourself and new hubby to a lovely candle lit dinner somewhere nice and quite book a night in a great hotal and relax then when all thats done i'd let them all just carryon with the church the reception and you and you husband drop the bomb shell that your already married and this is the blessing and then thak them all for there hard work and just remember the only people that matter right there and then are you and your husband. This probley wont help you but its what i'd do so sorry about the spelling i've got plaster on my arm i broke it hope all gos well and chin up.

[Lils30 in reply to Hidden]

Oh I broke my hand last year and it was a nightmare! Hope you don't have to have the cast on for much longer.

Thanks for your reply. if I was to do this again i probably would just go to a registrar office near to where I live with family only, have a small party in the evening and then go away ! id prob do it quickly too! So no one has a chance to mess things up. In my mind I wanted a wedding and a beautiful venue,I wanted a sit down eat wedding breakfast with a disco and I suppose I wanted it to be perfect like any bride wants it to be. But it's not worth the hassle of you have a controlling mother like I do.

My only worry is if I don't see my mum at all before my wedding I don't know how I will react towards her. I'm not an aggressive / violent person but I do have a lot of anger for her and my step dad as in how dare they sour it all for us and think they can say some really offending stuff towards us.

she keeps trying to get my attention by throwing a tantrum ( I'm waiting for another one) every once in a while or throwing a bombshell - like taking my money away, kicking up a fuss because she was the last person to get an invite!?? (That wasn't intentional, I just thought the guests should get theirs first, mine and my hubby's parent know where then venue is! ) And then telling me not to contact her. it's like dealing with a child sometimes not a 50 something year old. I suppose I just have to block it all out But I worry I will just see red on the day 😕