I've not posted on one of these before but I went looking for help and I found this link.
I've been suffering with anxiety and depression for many years, since I was a child I always felt very anxious and worried about everything. Kids made fun of me for being tall and chubby and it made me feel very insecure, lonely and unhappy. When I tried to talk about it with my family jokes were made that I was the chubby one and the ugly duckling of the family. I was ashamed of my body , was insecure and had never felt so lonely.
I've always been quite needy in some ways, when I was young I wouldn't leave my mum's side and I'd strive on others to make me happy. A few years ago I finally gained all the confidence I'd always dreamed of. I met the love of my life and life for the first time was amazing....
Then I found out he'd cheated several times and I stupidly took him back time and time again until he couldn't brake my heart anymore.
I'd made some really good friends and was looking forward to having some good times and starting over.
I met a good looking guy, we started dating and I fell in love again
It took time but I grew to trust him and I was very excited about our future together.
I started to feel exhausted, drained and headaches that made me feel physically sick. I thought I was coming down with a virus or something and it wasn't until my friends wedding I realised I'd also gained weight....yes I was pregnant!
I was completely overwhelmed and filled with joy! My boyfriend was really shocked but happy . We had talked about trying and it happened almost straight away, I was almost 11 weeks.
He told his mum and I'd planned to surprise my mum with our 12wk scan photo.
But then suddenly, my partners mum passed away and we were left heartbroken. I tried so hard to try and stay calm for babies sake. A few days later I started experiencing stomach cramps and spotting so my midwife booked me for earlier scan. That night, home alone I started bleeding heavily and was rushed to hospital. I was losing my baby.
I passed a lot of blood clots and was advise to go for my scan the next day but they said it's most likely that you've lost your baby. There was lots of mums and dads there, my friend was called away so I waited and prayed till my name was called.
There's no heartbeat.
They did my scan and said they struggled to find a 12 week embryo in my womb. Where's my baby?Further tests and scans showed that id had an ectopic pregnancy and I needed to go to another hospital for surgery.
Devastated is an understatement. I just wanted to die. I wanted the pain to go away.
Since losing the baby my anxiety has worsened and I'm feeling very lost and lonely. I've been suffering with depression and I'm really struggling.
I try to keep busy and tell myself and others that I'm fine.. But I can't stop the tears. I have no motivation, I've hidden away from my friends and now nobody stays in touch or contacts me back. My partner won't talk about it and has a short temper so I constantly feel alone and unsupported. I should be celebrating my babies 1st birthday with my little family.
I'm terrified that if I speak to my doctor and tell them how I really feel and what's going on, they will sign me off work and I can't afford that! I just want to be happy again. I love my boyfriend to bits but he doesn't understand. I know I need to talk to my doctor and get help but I'm terrified that my boyfriend won't cope and will leave me. When I try and talk about out baby he goes cold. Just feels like he's moved on and it's like our baby never existed.
I know that I've gained weight, we both have but I'm a comfort eater. I binge when feel sad and troubled. I have no sexual excitement or libidos. I can't even bear to look at myself in the mirror. I just see a blank face staring back at me.
I've tried talking to my friends but I know it's not always positive and they mostly just ignore me. I just feel so lost and lonely just want to end the tears and feel happy again