I've Ruined my Life

Hi, I'm a 23 male year old student living in London and I feel as though I'm suffering from some fairly serious depression and need help. I've always been a bit of a emotional and depressive person since I was about 10 but never been as depressed as I feel now. I'm coming to end of my third and final year and for the past 2 - 3 months I've been slowly sinking further and further into my own hell. Nearly everyday I cry for at least 30mins to an hour along with moments of severe anxiety and anger. I find myself unable to do any of my uni work as just thinking about it gives me insane anxiety which then causes me to burst into tears, this being the main problem. My father has sacrificed a lot for me to be here and I have failed in the past when it comes to my studies. At the heart of my depression I think is the insane level of guilt that I feel towards my father and letting him down again and what I will be putting on him and family with what I have done. Just thinking of him and my family causes more tears because as far as they know, I'm fine and perhaps 'struggling' a bit, but that couldn't be more of an understatement.

I think about killing myself nearly everyday, but can't bring myself to do it. This has gone on so long that I don't feel I can recover in my studies and the consequences of this are the worst thing as it means I effectively wasted the last four years of my life. The pain grows worse everyday as the deadlines for my work get closer along the eventuality of my father learning what I have done.

I have no idea what to do

4 Replies

  • YarvaUK, please speak to your dad and your GP about your anxieties immediately/asap.

    Obviously I can only go on what you have written in your post, but it COULD be that you just hate the course that you have been reading OR that stuff has happened in your life previously but something has triggered your sub-conscious into probing it now but your full consciousness cannot see it OR a whole lot of potential other reasons.

    Thing is, if you don't talk to someone about it, you have probably next to no chance of solving the issue.

    I am twice your age & I struggled thru uni twenty-odd years ago & - wait for it, although what I am immediately about to write is not overly positive I do now have perspective on my issues - although I am really struggling with depression presently, I think that is partly because of two main reasons, being:

    a) I left my Mum's home in Belfast in 1987 & a lot happened to me in my 20's when I was at uni in London & concurrently doing practical engineering experience in Yorkshire, with no other family members near me. I subsequently had 2 kids from 2 separate relationships which both broke down before I was 30. MY POINT IS: GET HELP, whilst you are still young & hopefully still fairly/very close to your family - DON'T THINK YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR DEGREE NOW - you have the rest of your life to compete your Degree if needs be but only if you are actually on the planet (i.e. not dead) - I'm sure your Dad would rather you sort your issue(s) out, than kill yourself trying to fulfill his/your expectation.

    b) I believe the other main reason I have struggled to make progress with mental health issues possibly dating back to my teens, is the product of the early isolation that I experienced from my family that I detailed above, which has lead me to unfortunately be living in a "back-water" (in terms of mental health provision & other areas of life) named Northampton. (I have been here for last 17 years for sake of my younger daughter, who finishes her A-Levels this June & has tremendously benefited from me being local to her, despite my difficulties).

    Ok, that's a long response from me & enough for now.


    Hit me up back on here if you like sometime, I can't promise I will pick up any update quickly - I just joined this forum tonight - but GOOD LUCK anyway, Nick.

    P.s. you haven't wasted 4 years of your life - every experience, even the shitty ones like what you're going thru, CAN be of use for a BETTER FUTURE.

  • Nick has made a very valid point on experience. even the bad ones you can reap something positive from it. If you have severe guilt over letting your dad down because he is supporting you 100% then you should talk to him very openly. He should understand. You are his son and you mean the world to him so he would never want you to struggle to the point of breakdown to please him. hopefully that should make you feel better and relieved and should reduce the stress you're under.

    You should also strongly consider talking to your uni lecturer or course director. send an email or call your course director and talk about what you are going through. if you have a doctor's note to detail what you are going through then take that with you and prove you are not making it up and they should tell you what your options are. I believe if you can pass some modules you can retake the other modules later and pass them but different uni's may have different policies. if you feel your course director is not understanding or supportive then you know you can go to Student Union and get advice that you are struggling due to mental illness, spoke to your uni course tutor and your uni is not sympathetic or supportive.

    taking things step at a time is always the best approach. if you try to do it all at once then it can get too much. so thing is if you not seen a doctor then see them and get a note. tell them you want to see your course director and you need a note to explain your state of mental health.

    speak to your dad openly and tell him you didn't want to let him down and worked really hard at your studies but you are struggling quite badly.

    speak to your course director and take your doc note with, explain openly how you've been struggling and how you feel in yourself and to seek advice on what options are available to you. if you want your dad to come with you to see your course tutor then let that be an option and it may help in the situation.

  • Hi, I just wanted to second what has already been said. What you are dealing with is an illness-it isn't anything to feel guilty about (although we all do, mistakenly, from time to time).

    You definitely haven't ruined your life, whether you pass your degree this year or not. Lots of people have dropped out of UNI and returned to education later in life. At the moment, the important thing is to concentrate on your well-being.

    There is probably a counsellor at your Uni, so it would be a good idea to make an urgent appointment to see him/her. Have you got a personal tutor? If you have, that's a good place to start with your worries about your course. It may be possible to take a break from Uni and then return to complete the rest of your degree. As already said, different Universities have different rules. At least you would be able to find out if this is possible.

    It's important that you get some help and support quickly. Visiting your GP is the best way to do this. If you haven't registered with a GP in London, just go to the surgery and they'll be able to advise you.

    Finally, talk to your dad, if you possibly can. Once he understands what you're going through, he won't want you to make yourself ill with stress. He can't help and support you if he doesn't know anything about it.

    Very best of luck with everything. Uni is a difficult time for many people so you aren't alone. You can get through this. All the best.

  • Hi I am so sorry to hear your feeling like this, sounds awful for you, please remember that you have to be yourself and your family love that person, a parent's love is not about exams they just want you to be happy and they worry for you.

    When you feel ready you need to open up and have a Frank open honest conversation telling them of your struggles and asking them for their emotional support. Please speak to the Samaritans and see your doctor. These are all steps to lift the huge weight from your shoulders. You are young and have so much to enjoy. It's not all about exams. Sending you big hugs.

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