turning off loved ones life support

[Angelfran123]

hi all,

I wrote a few weeks back about how my dad was in the ICU with a perforated duodenum ulcer and consequently got sepsis shock leading to multi organ failure. In total he was in hospital for over 3 weeks and had two surgery’s during this time. Through out the whole ordeal I had so much hope and never gave up on him but unfortunately he developed pneumonia all his organs shut down and he got peritonitis and we were told there was nothing they could do any more. And ultimately we had to make the decision to turn his life support off. I really believed he would defy the odds and even once the machines were turn off he would somehow live but sadly an hour later he passed away.

I have the most extreme guilt. What if he wanted to live even if it meant him being in a vegetative state and he couldn’t express that to us. It haunts me daily it has only been two week but I still can move past the guilt.

Has anyone else experienced this?

[Sepsur]

I’m so sorry to read the outcome for your father.

I found ‘the good grief trust’ helped me deal with bereavement

[FamilyHistorian]

my thoughts are with you at this time.

From my perspective, and yes I was a survivor from deaths door, and I will never understand the trauma that my family went through. What I wouldn’t have wanted if for my family to have felt guilty about any decisions that they would have made on my behalf. What you should be doing is celebrating his life, remembering the good times and the bad because that was all part of his life.

I hope you can find the support you need and realise that although one of the most difficult decisions of your life you made the right decision for him

[Angelfran123 in reply to FamilyHistorian]

Thank you so much and I’m so glad you’re ok ❤️

[madonbrew]

💐Dear Angelfran, I have no idea what it must be like to be in this situation and I'm so sorry for your great loss 😢 Thankfully I have never yet experienced a close loss, but I imagine how grief comes in waves. He was obviously so,so poorly, and his body would have gone through so much. Please let yourself be released of false guilt (as in guilt you don't need to be guilty about) but like FamilyHistorian says, remember and keep close to your heart your memories...both the funny, the sad, the lovely, the annoying etc. I obviously don't know you or didn't know your dad, but I feel pretty sure he wouldn't want you to live carrying that guilt.

xxx

[Angelfran123 in reply to madonbrew]

Thank you so much for your kind words. So sweet of you to take the time to write back to me. These messages mean the world to me. Thank you and make me feel less alone

[madonbrew in reply to Angelfran123]

🌺Just thinking of you and wondering how you're doing today? Dx

[ashdoran85]

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I went through a similar situation with my mum last year. She had suffered from the condition Ms for a good few years . She had previously been in hospital but had always recovered enough to come home . However this time my mum went into hospital and never came out alas . She was in ICU for about 3 weeks and in the that time worsened to the point of no return. I too experienced that sense of guilt of if we could have done more to try and save her. I think its a natural to have these feelings of guilt after a loved one passes . What helped me was remembering that in our case we did everything we could and remembering my mum as much as possible ,listening to her favourite music etc and spending time together as a family. I wish you and your family all the best over this hard time.

[Angelfran123]

thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. I’m so sorry to hear about your mothers and will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Your words have given me comfort and it means the world to me x

[Ashfilm]

Thank you so much for your kind wishes. It's is now over 6 months since losing her and some days are still hard . I'm glad my words gave you some comfort.take care of yourself and your family x

[ZanderB]

hi Angelfran123

Firstly, I echo the sentiments expressed above. You’ve had a terrible time and reading what you wrote I cannot believe you did anything other than the best you could in terrible circumstances. Having spent over 3 weeks in an induced coma and experienced all that came with it (the horrific delirium and infant-like helplessness of being weaned off the drugs), I can tell you that I’m a firm believer in and fervent supporter of quality of life over quantity. I hope the ICU has offered you support and directed you to done organisations that can help. You and your father are in my thoughts - wishing you both all the best wherever you are