I was tortured, met the man who saw God, met the "mudduh and the fawduh" , death (a shadow that if it connected you will die) fucks with me every day of my life.... October 30th will be one year ago. I don't know how to research what I went through. People look at me like I'm crazy trying to explain.
robert.a.andrade1sg@gmail.com
Robert, hi.
You are not crazy,
It sounds like you had "ICU Delirium", which is hallucinations/dreams triggered by the sedative drugs that they give to people in ICU. It happens to lots of ICU patients. It can be very frightening at the time, and you can have flashbacks to the ICU Dreams for a long time afterwards.
It seems to be common for people to dream about being kidnapped or deliberately hurt. Some people also dream about death. I had dreams about Hell. Maybe it's the brain's way of making sense of what's going on if you don't really know that you're in hospital, but you do have some idea that you're badly ill. Mostly it's meaningless random dreams.
There is a lot on this site about hallucinations/dreams/delirium, including other peoples' experiences, if you read some of the posts about it you will find that you are not alone.
There's a sort of therapy called EMDR which is recommended for helping with flashbacks. Your GP may be able to refer you for it. It stands for Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprogramming. (No-one really knows how it works, but if you move your eyes from side to side while talking to a therapist about bad memories it somehow changes the memories to be less upsetting.)
Talking about it a lot can be helpful too. Sounds like you've tried that, but your friends don't understand. You can talk here to people who've been through it. No-one here will think you are crazy.
If you Google EMDR or ICU Delirium you'll find a lot more information.
Kit has already suggested the reason that you experienced what you did.
Here is a link to a web page with loads of useful pdfs
The intensive care guide & delirium one’s I think will be comforting for you.
I was told that if any of my symptoms persisted for more than a few weeks, I’d probably need some professional help to elevate these.
kit10 has already explained that what you are going through is not uncommon. Nearly 3 years ago I lived in a different reality. I can still remember every detail and it doesn’t bother me. I lived in different places and eras and the detail doesn’t explain the knowledge I don’t have. I also had a lot of memory issues - trying to work out what was real and what was based on the hallucinations and that is difficult! I had a course of CBT which really helped me.
you are not crazy.
It all feels so real and so much more than just a dream and its difficult / impossible to forget. I had horrible expreiences and suffered PTSD as a result, treatment has helped as has talking openly about my crazy dreams and trying to nake light of it. Life is ok now and i can sleep through the night most nights but not sure if i will ever be comfortable in enclosed spaces again.
Good luck with finding a way to cope with what you experienced.
Definitely delerium, it’s very difficult when your going through this as at the time it’s real to you, I remember my husband had gone and adopted a baby from a different country, my son (15) at the time, trained to be a doctor and was trying to kill me, my house was made into a giant pool and wrapped in bubble wrap, I was on a boat, the list is endless and some not nice at all…. I do believe by speaking about what I was seeing and I wrote a blog explaining trauma that I went through in ICU helped…. Keep talking to others and if your getting the flashbacks write down what you’ve seen, it does become easier in time but I know it’s difficult…. Failing this see if you can get some therapy so you can speak about it x
Some really good guidance here, try to see a psychologist , it helped for me.
Hi so sorry to hear what you have and are going through. My sister suffered from awful ICU delusions and sometimes continues to have these a year later. The drugs given are so powerful. My sister suffers from PTSD and a condition that is rarely talked about in UK known as Post Intensive Care Syndrome (PICS) , which can help explain how the trauma of ICU can affect patients after recovery. My sister suffers from panic attacks and numerous flash backs daily where she thinks she is back in ICU. She sometimes gets up in the night and gets out cutlery in the kitchen and arranges it in intricate patterns but cannot recall doing this. She finds this very upsetting but thank god she always uses her zimmer frame as she cannot walk without it and would have a serious fall and potentially injure herself. My sister is due to have a 2 night stay in a sleep clinic in the new year so they can monitor and assess what is going on.
My sister is being supported by a therapist through talking therapies and NHS mental health services to talk through her experiences, use strategies and grow to feel safer. This suport is invaluable. She will when ready recieve EMDR. My sister finds guided meditation helpful and being held and cuddled helps her feel safe.
As a my sister's next of kin not allowed to see her for her first 3 weeks in ICU and then spend 8 hours with her every for 6 months and often carer for her at weekends. I too have been traumatised and suffer from PICS- F with symptoms of acute anxiety, depression and PTSD.
What I find really difficult is why these issues are not discussed and its all reported as everything is normal now after the lockdown. Our beautiful Mum contracted covid twice and died of it. I have long covid. My sister's and our lives have changed totally and things are far from normal. There are many others who are suffering in silence but their plight is largely ignored.
I hope that you are able to get the support you need and wish you well with your recovery. It may take time but things will get better.
Hello Robert. So sorry to hear how your coma delirium continues to torment you. I had a spell in ICU in November. My delirium terrors haunt me every day. They attack me without notice. Sneak up on me. Are triggered by the slightest and unlikely stimuli. I empathise with you and all suffers. I call them the horrors, because that is what they are. I've been to hell and it is difficult to understand and impossible to explain. I am getting help. There is understanding about PICS. Good luck to you.
ICU mind baffling, post-induced coma ??
My mother is in an induced Coma
The nightmare while in a coma
My dad is in artificial coma
