What am I doing wrong??

Jay is doing really well he is walking with an aid and getting movement back in his hands he has suffered with coordination due to hypoxia but things are coming back slowly but he is so angry I try to help him and he gets mad then when I don't he asks me why don't you help me he has really low days where he doesn't want to do any walking or physio and when he comes home for the day he just seems annoyed at everything, he worry a constantly that he won't be normal again and that he's ill again but nothing I say is right I feel so upset that he feels this way but just gives up and won't help himself what do I do?? I feel so depressed

8 Replies

Im so pleased Jay is doing so well but fully understand the stress his mental state puts on you. My husband got so depressed in ICU I was really scared that he would just give up, and this was when he was finally out of danger. The biggest issue for my husband was the loss of control. The fact that the nurses would have to do everything for him, that he couldn't decide anything for himself. Getting him in and out of bed was a huge performance so he would get really angry that he would be taken for physio, get back into bed and hooked up to all the IVs etc and then10mins later they would come and get him for x ray etc and this would continue all day long. He was getting so angry and confused. We agreed with ICU that together we would set a schedule which my husband could input into and they would stick to. (he was well on the mend by now and this is not recommended if his life was still in danger). It really helped, even though in reality not much changed, but he felt prepared for what would happen that day and much more in control. You can do this at home as well and also ask him what he does and does not want help with. I would also strongly suggest he gets some counselling so he can talk through with some else the issues he is struggling with. Good luck


I am so pleased to hear that you guys are doing so well, I know you do not feel like it but getting over the initial critical illness is huge and you both need to keep reminding yourselves of this. Unfortunately the phase of getting more independent and mobile is very difficult for everyone also. What you must absolutely do is be open and honest with each other. Have words you use for bad days (code words) so that you know when you need time/when Jay needs help etc. Nobody can make this easier and you are not doing anything wrong, its just a life changing experience and you both need to know that you are trying to help and that you need to know when to and when not to. Honestly - talk to each other and I know he is angry and you are depressed, that is believe it or not perfectly normal and you will come out the other side.

Take care of yourself and lean on friends and family for support/lunches etc when you need some 'you' time x

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Hello, i hope jay gets well, how old is he may i ask? I was like that when i came out of ICU but i am ok now, it took a while, now i go to college learning plumbing, , you have to be patient, its horrible i know but jay will get better, god bless


Thanks for your kind words jay is 33 befor this happend he was an 18 stone body builder now he is 14 stone and feels like a baby I think it's just to much for him to handle right now it's a huge shock I suppose


I was like that after my 32 days in ICU. I had hands that were like claws so holding things and typing on my keyboard were non existence. I was on a Zimmer and then sticks. And also had lost 3.5 stone which was mainly muscle. Speak to your doctor together about your feelings and get outside help. I was 5.5 months before I went back to my office job. I was still weak and found it hard for a long time.

I saw people go in and not come out so I always thought myself the lucky one. Small steps with easy goals to start.

I wish you all the very best, Be Strong.


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If I understand correctly I'm presuming jay is generally an independent person?

From.his point of view he'd like to do as much as he can himself however he needs you to be on standby should he fall or need help, sometimes let him try and fail on other occasion depending how you see fit help him if its something too early to try do independently.

You have to try and both keep faith that time is a healer..and That slow and steady in the long run is a healthier option.

I'm a very independent person and having gone through icu it was a massive adjustment because I NEEDED to rely on someone that alone made me fight to start walking faster holding things heavier etc but I took 1 step forward and 2 steps back because I was too it's coming to a year and just planning on returning road work.

It's an emotional road for jay and yourself. As you probably feel the pain his experiencing WIth him. For jay he is physically mentally emotionally disabled. That is a mixed display of how he will outlet all these feelings. And honestly.....I reckon it's part of the healing process. This would have changed both your lives and how you see it and the people in your lives also.

I guess you have to be patient and be that person he moans and shouts at.....reason being. His comfortable in doing so. It's you he can say these too and is his way of expressing how he feels without putting in a sentence.

Perhaps when his a bit Better signpost him here-believe you me it'll do wonders for him to say how he feels to. As much as we appreciate all the support we the polietest way empathy can only go so far. Something's in life we need to have actually been through to really grasp the impact.

Just continue doing what you are doing and take some time out for yourself too. I remember feeling because ur feeling the same pain. we don't want you to feel that pain too because it also hurts us knowing your hurting because we're hurting.....if that made any sense.

There's a lit to unpick....but be strong and patient and remain positive. remind jay Things will get better - and they do.

As god wills.

Lots of love



Firstly,bless you for writing what you have,after the shocking time you have both had ,the initial euophoria of Jay still being alive ,now is tougher than before. It is very tough for you,you are not doing any thing wrong,and it is very hard to be constantly positive,when you also have to deal with every day life etc.Do you have a friend who you can be honest with ?

It is a strange situation,as no one understands unless they have been there,I felt very lonely,as I was having to deal with a cross,weak,fragile,vulnerable man so very different to as he had been.It will get better,albeit slowly,he has had to be very dependant on others,which is very hard and frustrating for him,and for you .Do find some help for yourself,do you have an ICU Steps near you ? If so do go,as people there understand,and you can be honest about how you feel,because it is tougher for you than Jay.

Take care of yourself,and dont doubt yourself.


Hi I'm so pleased Jay is doing well, I know its a struggle but you are coping well, take one day at a time. Maybe remind Jay now and then about what he can do now that he couldn't do a week or so ago, then he might see how much he is progressing. I know its probably not fast enough for him but he will get there in the end. Like others have suggested, counselling might help, for both of you, as its tough for you as well. Wishing you both all the very best x


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