Last day at work today.. feels like I let APS win! :(

I was so proud of myself a couple of months ago when I reduced my hours at work and gave 8 weeks notice until I would leave completely- I was putting me first and taking time to relax. Today was my last day! I have been getting lots of really bad headaches recently and finding work very hard to concentrate on which is definitely a mixture of APS and my head being so full of sub-conscious and conscious worries about my pregnancy. Now I've left I feel like I've given up too easily. I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant and within a week I will be at the same gestation I was at in January with a baby girl I lost which lead to my APS diagnosis.

I was scared to be at work much longer in case the same thing happened again.. I didn't even annouce my pregnancy for fear I would have to un-announce it again. Even with all the heparin and aspirin I still can't be excited that everything will be ok. In a couple of weeks I'll be asked do you want to know if it's a boy or a girl? I don't know if I do for fear I will love it so much more and it will become real... and then what if my blood fails me again?

When can I get excited about having a baby? Maybe I can't or shouldn't until it's in my arms... but I can't imagine that... or I wont let myself imagine that....

Work was definitely a safety net... now that's gone, it's just me and my high risk pregnancy to fill the next few months. Hopefully my headaches will go away now I don't have the stress of work and then it would of been worth leaving so early...... let's see............

Ahhh that was a little weight of my shoulders.. thanks for listening.

13 Replies

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  • please try to calm your thoughts....you should think and believe you will hold your baby when it arrives.....like 'cosmic ordering' your positive thoughts.

    You made your decision to leave work, it is good you put yourself first, don,t regret it. nurture your optimistic side and don't panic about all the free time, you will find something else to fill your time when you leave work.

    You are much more strong, capable and powerful than you know.

    sending you much love and positive thoughts

    x maria

  • Hi Rebecca

    I can completely empathise from where you are coming from but at the same time there must be tens of thousands of pregnant women out there who would give anything to be able to give up work and concentrate on their pregnancy.

    You need to fill your time constructively for at least the next six weeks or so which will be when the baby will survive if god forbid the worst should happen and it needed to be delivered.

    Can you do a on-line course, do meditation with a friend, join a book club.....anything that will keep your mind occupied but is not physically demanding until you can start relaxing and as you say accepting of the fact that things have gone past the memories and difficulties of before and you can at last start to get into a routine and relax a little more? As Maria says you must be positive, be bold, make some plans for the next six weeks that are not all about your pregnancy but about something you would enjoy doing and before you know it that difficult period will be over.

    BTW I think its nice to wait until the babies born to know their sex, in my day you didnt get the option and it was a great surprise. It will be something to look forward to.

    We are always here to listen!

  • Hi Rebecca

    You haven't let Aps win, you have put you and your baby first!!!

    Try to fill your time, be kind to yourself!

    I know its hard, easy to say, but try not to worry.

    Take care of yourself, gentle hugs Sheena , (jessielou) xxx :-) :-) :-) xxx

  • Rebecca my thoughts are with you and I'm sure that positive thoughtswill help. I know how hard itcanbe to be scared to be happy in case all goes wrong. I have had a lot of m/c but still so far have one beautiful girl who is 3 and am trying again with the help of ivf to do it again. Keep calm and stay as positive as you can xxxx

  • Hi Everyone, thanks for your comments. I got total cold feet about leaving work where people didnt know I was pregnant and would talk to me about other things!! I know I definitely need to start being more positive and fill the next 6 weeks up with some fun things then I hope I will be able to relax and beleive it will all be ok even if baby has to come a bit earlier. I booked myself a massage this morning for next Friday, so that's something and my nan is going to take me to Buckingham Palace on Tuesday to see "the dress"!! And day 1..... ok so it's only 11:50 but no headache yet! xx

  • Well Rebecca i was going to say what everyone else had said so after reading your last post all i am going to say is have a bloody good time and enjoy it and if you want to chat we are here.

    Paddy

  • Hi Rebecca

    Glad you going for a massage, and going to see The Dress, that will be lovely.

    I`m going to St Thomas`s on Tuesday, so hopefully a good day out too.

    Understand the cold feet, but you done whats right for you and baby.

    Take care and enjoy your visit and massage.

    Gentle Hugs, love Sheena xxxxxxxx :-) :-) :-)

    Ps, positive thoughts, prayers and thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Keep your chin up Rebecca!!

    I am rooting for you and I know you love that little walnut or whatever its size is today! (funny makes me think of that old man on the street with his rosary in London!).

    The gown I bet is fab and you will have an amazing time I am sure!

    Keep smiling lovey!

  • Baby is now a large mango with arms & legs!! Sam just felt him/her move for first time :) That's made my day. I keep grabbing his hand whenever baby is wriggling about & he couldn't feel a thing so yeay!! :) :)

    Will def be smiling with chin up today!! And who cares how weird Ill look!

    Xxxxxxxxxx

  • Baby is now a large mango with arms & legs!! Sam just felt him/her move for first time :) That's made my day. I keep grabbing his hand whenever baby is wriggling about & he couldn't feel a thing so yeay!! :) :)

    Will def be smiling with chin up today!! And who cares how weird Ill look!

    Xxxxxxxxxx

  • Mango?!? Like the Burts Bees stuff!!! :)

    Thant's a good sign!!

  • Hi Rebecca

    how you doing hon, thinking of you!!

    Take care gentle hugs love Sheena xxx jessieloy xxxx :-) :-) :-)

  • Hi Sheena,

    I'm ok thanks! Been filling my time up well. In 3 weeks I have only had 2 days where I didnt have plans with anyone. 21wks pregnant now, got a nice bump too and feeling baby moving a lot which is comforting. Only had a few bad headaches so leaving work seems to have been right move after all.

    How are you doing x x x

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