I've been away for a while - all sorts of things have been happening and I needed to concentrate on them for a bit! Sorry.
Also I am sorry to admit that I have come back here because I have an issue. I am just feeling so low and can't seem to drag myself out of it. I am trapped in the same old cycle of not knowing whether there is something genuinely medical that needs to be looked into and whether it just a result of my circumstances.
So here's the home life first:
I lost my pupy who had kidney failure, I lost him at Easter but I still feel a bit lost without him. I don't think i've had such a strong bond with an animal before - probably because of the kidney stuff - even my horse! Incidentally, I think I have found a better home for the horse so he might be moving away too, not looking forward to that although it is definitely the best thing for him! I left my job of 5 years and moved to a new one - and so far this new one is a disappointment, I am bored and I am dreadful at being bored. I was taken on as a specialist and so far I have done very little of that!
And now for the good news: I have a new man in my life - he's a good friend and we have known each other for almost 12 years. He is delightful and I enjoy the vast majority of my time with him. He is bright and funny and ambitious. The thing is I struggle to talk about my health stuff with him... especially when I'm having such a hard time at the moment and I don't know why. I can't speak to my family either because they are all so stoic...
The big ones first - as far as I know my tansplant (Kevin) is still behaving, my Lupus is under control and my APS managed. However I have had side effects, the whole time. I have to go to annual skin cancer check-ups, 6 monthly colposcopies, had a breaast lump scare last year, in the past I have had shingles twice, viral meningitis and german measles, various knock-out viruses and to be honest I think I am a bit exhausted. I have been battling all this for almost 13 years and I really wish I could take a break. I would come back and take it all on again but I just feel a bit swamped at the moment.
The one that is causing me issues at the moment is the HPV virus - warts to you and me. Speaking to a doctor yesterday I said (embarrassingly through tears) that I can cope with the ig things but the side effects are the ones that destoy my self confidence and self-image. I used to have these bumps (sorry can't say the w-word again) all over my feet - to the point that i couldn't bend m big toe on one foot - I had hundreds of them, and i have had a few on the insides of my knees and my hands... they have emerged on my cervix and have decided they like this last region!! Last week, after my colposcopy I ended up in stirrups again having my undercarriage frozen and was told there was no guarantee that this would work... but i should repeat it weekly for 4-8 weeks to give it a go. The thing i hate most about the illnesses are the power they hold over me and as much as i don't want to go I have to leave work (again) to get treatment! I know I have to and it's fine, I'll do it - I would just like a break...
And the constant reminders; taking pills twice a day - injecting Clexane every morning. And then the smaller things - having to remember to drop off and pick up prescriptions, arrange for sharps box collection... I have just had enough!
I am so sorry for the rant but I am really struggling to keep the tears under the surface.
Some great points:
I am still completely able, my two dogs are awesome and well behaved and happy, my new job did take me on as a specialist so they obviously think I am bright and capable, they are just a bit quiet, my horse is happy, the sun is shining and we have a four day weekend coming up, and I get to spend it with my best friend... And I have a few fabulous friends that I can talk to about the healthness who really listen and really care and I will love them forever for that (I can feel myself welling up thinking about them - human kindness and caring sets me off more that anything else!)
So - many, many thanks for making it this far through my rant - you are a true superstar...
One question: Any thoughts???