Family

[Dantheman12]

I have family, mother and sisters in London I've not lived with them for 21yrs and I miss them all dearly I have an ABI and am living with weak right side of body, paralysed and in care and rehabs in Kidderminster I get to go home for just 4 days every 6 to 8 months not good enough in my eyes I just feeling lonely left out and unloved

[Teazymaid]

hi Dan this does sound horrible have you spoken to your support network to see if there is anything that can be changed to help you live with more input in you day to day living .. Sue 🤔

[Dantheman12 in reply to Teazymaid]

I don't really have many people around me that I'd feel comfortable talking too about the issues I'm having

[Teazymaid in reply to Dantheman12]

Sometimes that’s difficult to find the right person .. how about a member of staff or a councillor .. I’m unsure what sort of home you are in or if you have a social worker ..sometimes talking though your feelings very much help to elevate the situation you are in … so pleased you are talking on here 😊 we are all very different but also understand the difficult pathway we find ourselves on .Sue 😊

[cat3]

How sad for you Daniel. Why do you think your family are neglecting you ?

You say in your bio - "they know there is a good person in me sometimes and sometimes not such a gooden" (does that mean an anger issue since the brain injury, or something dating back further ?) Just trying to understand the issue.

Do mum or sisters ever visit you in Kidderminster Dan ?

And are you able to get out & about ...maybe with a mobility aid ?

Questions, questions . . . . (but no judgements here) 🙄

Cat.. 🙂

[Dantheman12 in reply to cat3]

Yes I can get out unaided just a weak side of body and I've been here for 6 years in a care home family have visited once, and yes anger issues also feeling of living another life that I don't want to live anymore but hard to change

[cat3]

Have you ever undergone therapy for anger management Dan ? I've heard many accounts over the years of how CBT has rescued people's relationships.

A neuropsychologist can help with recognizing triggers and adopting alternatives to aggressive reactions.

Talking therapy mightn't appeal if, like me, you're naturally sceptical, but it did work for me after betting the therapist it definitely wouldn't !

If you can openly acknowledge your anger to family (as you've done here) and demonstrate willingness to address it, maybe it'll test out whether or not they're ready to behave like 'loved ones'.

But CBT can be personally empowering and help you let go of the past ...to accept the present day version of yourself with confidence.

Take care.. Cat....🙂

[skydivesurvivor]

welcome home!! A whole new. Challenging life ahead, many adaptions to both character & accepting the new you!! Say this because I had to make the same changes!! 24 years on & am still trying?!! This site helped me greatly, unseen friends who are in the same position! Whenever y need to rant, advice or anything PLEASE visit !! We support each other if we can, y not alone?!!!

[Nemo24]

Have you had a chat with Headway helpline? They may b e able to make some suggestions.

[secrets22]

It all sounds very upsetting and stressful especially when you say family have only visited you once in 6 years, they certainly are not a caring lot, and it must hurt you immensely, and to only go home twice a year for just 4 days seems very cruel to me. I don't have an answer but i wish you well most sincerely.

[Leaf100]

Hi DanthemanMy elderly Mom was in care (I am.the one with the the bi) and I live in Canada. Anyway our experience was some staff were food and some were ...not suited to their job..

And also the system seems set up so that there are silos and this one is responsible for that and another for something else - a lot of misdirection and some finger pointing when things ate not going well and I started to just tell everyone because I really never did figure out who or how things actually got done.

Mom was sharp and they often didn't listen to her which was absolutely not OK.

Having an advocate can be very necessary sometimes, especially if you aren't able to , or aren't sure how to, communicate your needs.

Advocacy and how to work with the system and your social needs are things I hear you say you need help with. I would ask Headway about these things.

A neuropych or some sort of counsellor may be able to help you find some words to tell people your needs in a way you find comfortable.

Are there activities there you are able to do that you enjoy? That would help some.

The other thing I wonder is if there are some things online besides here that might help with the loneliness. There may be Facebook groups or groups on reddit on topics that interest you that may help you feel more engaged with life.

I am also wondering if there may be some excursions available to you, like going out on a bus for a drive or out in the garden there - often there is a garden or at least a terrace of some sort with plants.

Being outside helps a person's mood a lot. It's the fresh air I reckon. The air in buildings is mighty stale.

The other thing is you might like to try having some penpals. Some people do go the email route so it doesn't have to be snail mail letters if you can't write on paper. There are people who do penpals in different ways- for example some people wrote each other pretending they are someone else - yes they both know so nothing disrespectful going on. I see these ads on reddit . Sometimes they pick a different time period. That might help as it would say, give you an interest in history and a reason to care about the interest. You do have to watch for scammers of course.

You may also be able to get an introduction to someone else in a care facility somewhere else - lots of people in care are bored out of their minds. (As a pen pal or maybe a FaceTime contact or whatever.)

I am sorry your family doesn't see you often. I know it doesn't help much, but it's not that unusual. Just meaning when you speak to Headway or whoever they will have ideas because they will have heard it before.

Yes and do try things even if you are skeptical, for example the cbt thing someone mentioned. You may find yourself feeling more connected others in the group, which will be an extra benefit .

Also maybe find some online art therapy. Some of it is free and you can use what you have, like a paper and pencil, and it doesn't matter if you you don't think you are artistic because it isn't about that, it's about then process.

Is this all the same as family contact or not being in a care place? No. Even if you were at home though you would need your own things to do.

Anyway maybe also ask your care team or Headway what other ideas they may have.

I know some in the care place Mom was in foe awhile volunteered to help the staff - like they folded towels and put papers together- stuff like that. It was something to do.

One lady had a side line where some of the cardboard boxes supplies came in had a perforated side opening and she would get the staff to save them and them she would sell them to people as cat boxes - not for a lot, a pound or two - but it was a little extra money. Anyway cats love their boxes to hide in.

It starts with talking to people there and finding out what there is, and trying things and see how it goes.

Keep us posted

Leaf