Horrible family : I posted this photo and got some... - Headway

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Horrible family

Braininjurysurvivor
Braininjurysurvivor

I posted this photo and got some abuse for this.

I’m at the end of my tether with al of my family I’m close to washing my hands of all of them I’ve well and truly had enough feeling like it’s all my fault how can family be so unsupportive makes me so mad and it’s delaying my recover as it’s all I can think about but I’ve come to the conclusion that all I need in this world our my 2 beautiful daughters I have to get through this for them they need there mummy and I need them.

Sorry for the rant 😢

13 Replies
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Totally understandable family don't understand the physical side of the change pin us let alone the mental side of thing my daughters say thing like nutty nannys here as I have short term memory loss now keep you're chin up and get through each day as it comes

I made my family go to neuropsychology to help them understand how I feel. I’m nearly 5 years on and they all still go. It’s improved our relationship and also they are much more understanding and patient we’dith me.

It wasn’t always like that x

Hiya,

I hope your OK, how are you feeling now?

That is a great graphic, where did you find this, I'd love to be able to use it, if its ok?

Although I am a carer, I too have to live with the pain of family not understanding this hidden condition in my wife. Watching my wife breakdown before my eyes in the company of visitors, with them suddenly seeming like the experts saying... Its fine this is meant to happen and were ok with it...

My feelings are that part of my role is about maximising quality of life for her. I used to always think I should do that to others too, in an attempt to help them understand my wife's brain injury.

I have always tried to be the peace maker and team builder, but what I didn't realise is some people can not feel empathy and some people can only think about themselves. This is just the mixture of human nature and something I've recently learned through counciling sessions.

I now often tell myself.. Your doing the right thing, so does someone else's opinion of that matter? The answer is no.

Regards

I’m trying so hard to stay positive I have realised that I cannot leave my daughters in this world without there mum they need me and I need them which is a good turning point as I have been feeing very suicidal but I can’t do that to them

I want my partner to leave but he won’t go the problem is when he goes I have no one I’m completely alone and have to fight through each day by myself it will be tough but I have got to do it or I am never going to go forward this really is a nightmare 😢x

Good morning, Leanne. After all that you’ve been through, it’s difficult to understand why anybody wouldn’t have sympathy (and empathy) for you. And do anything they can to support you.

5 years after my injury (minor compared to yours but nevertheless it has changed me), I’ve learned that most people are insensitive and there are degrees of that: some appear angry, others fed up or suffering from sympathy fatigue. And that’s without my seeking their help - they can say these things in response to witnessing a particular struggle.

I have often wondered what exactly they are suggesting: that I’m deluded? Or a malingerer? Or an attention seeker?

Just how offensive are they being?

One ‘friend’ told me a year after my injury ‘oh I decided that you were better!’ Others have told me that there’s nothing wrong with me or that it’s my menopause (I’m 54) - even though my symptoms were sudden onset and some of them have improved.

And I think that’s almost the hardest part of these hurtful comments - they come at the same time as we are all doing our best to cope with our new reality and to do everything and anything we can to improve.

Leanne, you know the truth of what you’re dealing with and, as you approach the first anniversary of your injury, I can imagine that there is a lot going through your mind on top of your daily efforts.

RockinRic is right that other people’s opinion doesn’t matter. But it does hurt and I can understand why you say that it’s affecting your recovery. Try not to let that happen - and know that you have us and we believe you and that you are not alone.

With love, F x

Brain injury is such an abstract condition, and there are so many stereotypical view's of what someone should be like.

Everyone thinks they are an expert, one side doesn't work properly and you have a wonky face.

There is so much more, from the just a little bit of an inconvenience to major challenges, and both ends of the spectrum occur in the same person.

I think the diagram you have shared is brilliant, it breaks down the challenges into understandable zones and explains how they all come into play.

If family and friends find this offensive, or wrong, it is because it challenges their understanding. Your wife is your concern, not the ok others.

If you can call a family meeting away from your wife, you can set out the ground rules, and explain specifics. If not, then all you can do is chip away. Ask your wife what she wants, and how she wants you to help.

Best wishes.

P.S. where did you get the diagram from? I could do with using it.

I got it from facebook I would send it to u on here but I can’t figure out how to could you maybe take a screenshot of it? Unless u know how I could send it to u xx

I'll look on Facebook, I don't know how to take a screenshot, but thanks. Hope you can sort your and your wife's stress, best wishes.

With a bit of playing around, I managed to get a usable copy. Bit round the house, but I got there. Thanks.

I have had the same especially in the first few years, getting divorce soon, buying motorhome and off I go so I will not see the ones who are bad again 2 sons and soon to be ex wife, your best friend is you stay strong and you will get stronger I did it so can you, xxx

Hi,

I'm 52 years of age now but I left home when I was 17 - in part to get away from a not such a lovely family. I never formally estranged from them - but I always kept my distance. During my teenage years my brain was very mildly effected by an illness ( Lupus ) and in 2003 - I sustained a mild ABI in a car accident where I lost my partner of seven years. This accident plunged me back into close proximity to my family - who - before the accident where inexplicable and utterly traumatic enough - without a brain injury.

I thought they'd offer some element of protection from a hard and unsympathetic world - and this was and is still compounded with a fear of being utterly alone.

I've paid a pretty high price for sticking around - ( I've had both a lawyer and a psychologist tell me to keep away from these only superficially ' lovely and caring ' people.

I keep telling myself it's all a bad dream and my ABI had made me paranoid ??? - and I still wonder wether I'm not seeing the whole picture - that perhaps they're not that bad ?

But in reality the pattern of extremely low empathy and exploitative behavior just repeats and re - prooves itself. Some years ago I took to writing as much of the conversations with them as I could remember......and saw the truth.

Ive been stuck in a horror cycle of realising just how bad they are - mentally shoving this aside / with the aid of a bad memory - only to be re - shocked by who they really are underneath the respectable surface.

I'd kept the brain injury from them ( not so hard when families have never cared) but a few weeks ago my now aging parents wanted me to become their power of attorney along with my sister ( while they where conducting some possibly ? dodgy ? paperwork ) I was cornered into telling them about the brain injury over the phone to legally protect myself. It became quickly obvious after one very brief superficial show of concern that because I couldn't help them I was no longer relevant. None of my family rang me back or visited to empathise. None of them were at all curious.

and quite stupidly - I'm still confused.....bewildered and continuing to be psychologically battered by these people. ( and I can live independently )

Please don't apologise for sharing. It's given me the chance to have a good rant which has helped clarify my thoughts. It's rare to find anywhere or anybody to share these kind of problems with.

What do you do if you have a neurological impairment and you're family are bad ???

Thankyou for bringing this kind of - perhaps taboo ? subject up.

I've been carrying this around for 17 years.

However after getting all this off my chest:

Its possible you need to give your self and you're family some time - and see what you think once you're injury settles and heals along with your families reaction to it.

Speaking for myself - I think 17 years has been long enough for me to see how things settle.

I'm sure there are so many people out there in the same boat - and you're post has made me feel less alone with this.

Thankyou.

Xx

I too love the graphic and don't understand why you've been getting abuse for it. It's helped me to understand how I can hold down a job yet sometimes can't manage the most basic of tasks, or can't remember how to use my iPad.

Sadly some people don't understand an invisible illness. If you had a broken leg you'd get heaps of sympathy and people asking if you can manage or if there's anything they can do to help. I think the graphic is a great explanation and I hope your family will use it to try to understand and accept your situation. I'm very sorry to know they don't seem to be supportive of you when you need them.

I have lost touch with my family, its been over 30 years since my tbi.

In my view you have to live your life for you.

I used to phone my family yet when I stopped phoning, the phone never rang.

I live independently, and have a few very good friends that have become friends since my tbi, I have no friends from before, they all drifted away.

I trust that your daughters are there for you, you need people that are there for you.

Be strong, and remember you can't change yesterday but you can change tomorrow.

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