Family stealing?: Hello guys I have been on this... - Headway


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Family stealing?

Obiwan profile image

Hello guys

I have been on this service a few days and want to ask advise. It's a complicated family matter but the basics are. I have been asking my mum for years for the bank statements from my disability trust fund. She has said I can have them many times but always has a flimsy excuse. Has refused twice to sign letters to give financial advisers access to the account. I spent years earning little interest after the financial crash as she would let me close the account but not have the statements. I then wouldn't have the account closed unless she would provide the statements. She is my mum has done lots for me but I can't get over this. I have been dependent on her all the while suffering terrible nightmares about her stealing my compensation money. Have had lots of councelling about this and told mum. Tried getting family involved but she always has something to say or do that means I don't get my bank statements. Headway solicitors have referred me to other solicitors who have then referred me to legal aid who I have not contacted. My headway group leader thinks I should go to the police. But she is mum and done so much for me in other ways. But I have lost thousands directly and more indirectly through mum doing this. I am out of work through health and we would likea family in the near future. Should I go to the police?

24 Replies

Not my area at all so you definitely need advice from a specialist hence being referred on.

However a trustee has a duty of care to ensure your best interest are served, a failure to carry out this duty can and in some instances be subject to a successful civil claim.

You really need to chase up advice under legal aid.

As it's not clear if you've been referred to a specific solicitor you can use The Law Society site to find a accredited specialist in Trust law here:

enter your legal issue as Wills Trusts and Probate and your location, once you get them refine it by ticking Trust under refine your search

I did a search for Kendal, as I know little about it apart from it's a relatively small town results

Obiwan profile image
Obiwan in reply to sealiphone

Thanks so much. Feeling regrettably I have to act on this.

sealiphone profile image
sealiphone in reply to Obiwan

Sorry forgot to say refine your search 'Accept Legal Aid' under Access Options

You have been put in a terrible position -- by your mother. So don't tear yourself up over the very real right that you have to understanding and rectifying this situation. I would get serious legal help so that you have the right information and can take action that may or may not have to involve the police in the end.

Remember, you did not create this. I can understand the you would like to maintain the relationship. That may well be possible. But it requires trust to be restored.

All the best,


Obiwan profile image
Obiwan in reply to TaIaV

Thank you very much. Your words help me move forward with this.

TaIaV profile image
TaIaV in reply to Obiwan

Hi Obiwan, I am very glad. It is possible to be loving and firm. I sometimes have to practice ahead of time. In such situations it is best to:

- Use short sentences

- Not explain yourself (everyone knows you are in the right, explaining why you THINK you are right simply opens you up to push back from others)

- Say exactly what needs to happen --using that kind of wording "this is what needs to happen by x time", not "I would like for you to.."

Refer to the love that binds you but make clear that this matter must be addressed, it is not a refutation of that love.



I think it has to be worth contacting Legal Aid for their support and guidance. Good luck with it x

I agree with your Headway leader. The role of a trustee is bound by rules of behaviour. Your mother has not behaved as a mother should. I would pursue this with the help of a lawyer. You will be glad you did in the long run. Blessings M xx

I suspect that you want to find a way to answer your questions about how your fund has been managed without completely destroying your relationship with your Mum, so I would probably not see going to the police as a first option.

Whilst not my area of expertise I would take the opportunity to see a solicitor under the legal aid scheme and ask if there is a power to get a court appointed independent audit of your fund or alternatively, a softer option, ask solicitors to notify your Mum that if she is unwilling to comply with your solicitor's requests for documents concerning the management of your fund then they will have to consider applying for a court appointed investigator. This may prompt her to co-operate.

Either of these approaches would allow the solicitor or auditor to be able to access all of the statements and information and confirm the position. If they find evidence of serious Mismanagement then you would get advice from your solicitor about your options which may include having your Mum removed as a trustee, pursuing a civil claim for recovery of monies lost or involving the police.

If they find evidence of poor management - well intentioned but poor financial decisions - it may simply be that your Mum needs some better advice about handling your financial affairs and this may prompt her to accept that she is a mother and not a financial advisor and allow her to ask for help. It may even be that there is absolutely nothing wrong and your Mum has perhaps not wanted to burden you with financial details, not appreciating how this is affecting you - and getting this confirmed will allow you both to move forward with greater trust.

Before meeting with the solicitor, I would start making notes about occasions when you have asked to see statements, discussions you have had about your fund etc. and reasons your Mum has given for putting you off. The time with your solicitor will go very quickly and it will help you give the information more easily.

I hope that this works out for you.

Obiwan profile image
Obiwan in reply to Mel-Bee

Thanks for your support it means a lot.

Try again and tell her if she does NOT give you all the information you need concerning your bank details within 24hours you will definitely go to the Police. She is your mum but sometimes you have to put that aside and do what is right for your situation. But remember, if you say to her what you are going to do and you do not see it through she will think you are not being serious so telephone the police while she is in the room.I am sure your mum will probably give you everything you need. It may cause a little stress to begin with but it will pass. Take Care Liz x

Obiwan profile image
Obiwan in reply to 1949liz

Thanks very very much. I feel it has gone beyond asking her now though. She denies things 99% of the time and always in public but when we are alone sometimes almost admits without fully doing so. I accuse her of stealing my compensation money to pay to raise her daughter's children. Mum replies with things like- she loves all her grandchildren more than she ever loved me and because they are all together it is just easier to hurt me. Or she 'will ruin me' if I pursue this. Etc....

sealiphone profile image
sealiphone in reply to Obiwan

I hadn't realised theft had been admitted, it sounds worse with each post. Mel-Bee's post seems to have rung some old bells and sounds about right to me. Make sure you find a accredited specialist in trust law via the Law Society website I posted before.

From what you say there seems little point in relying upon your mother to look after your interests in the future. I have heard about this happening before in a very similar situation, parent and disabled child/adult.

Not having any direct experience of this and reading all that has been said a few things come to mind.

The time is long past for trying to get your mum to do the right thing.

I'm not even sure if it is possible but start talking with legal advisors about the possibility of getting ALL of your accounts that your mother has control of or access to frozen.

Do not under any circumstances let your mother know what you are doing. If you do that would provide the opportunity to completely empty your accounts before you could freeze them.

The sooner you can draw a line under this the better for you.

Good luck.

All very true points. Thank you.

One aspect about this, which doesn't seam to have been touched on once this is resolved, where does that leave you, do you actually live together?

No. I live 30 miles away with my partner. See family v little because of this issue.

do you know all your bank details? if so you could always phone your bank or better still transfer you account/s to online banking, that way you could keep track of all transactions.

these aren't options in this case unfortunately. thanks all the same though. cheers.

Hi .

I've been doing more thinking.

I assume hat the trust was set up when you were a child.

Pester people to get an assessment to say that you are able to manage your own finances.

Then get lawyers to sort it out. They should be able to trace records of when the trust was set up.

Cheers. It was done when I was I minor so parents in charge of the case at the time. A headway ass lawyer recently said I should go back to the lawyer who handled the case initially. But as my parents were the clients at the time acting on my behalf I figure the lawyer would notify them quite quickly which is not what I want at this stage . There are others points involved here regarding pieces of evidence I had gathered and various deceptions over years. I dont want to say more in a public setting at this stage. I continually feel guilty doing this as she is my mum but know in my head I am justified. Also I couldn't progress financially and emotionally without dealing with this. I have suffered being too anxious to do this for ten years so now is the time. Doing bits more each day. As much as I can handle. Thanks all.

Sent you a personal message.

You may have a Advocacy Service for your area.


If not a Google search you may find a local charity, as they are fairly common.

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