Little bit of a disaster part 2

[B_S_A]

Well, I finally got my explanation. Turns out she got very drunk and went home with some random guy at university and woke up in his bed. She was too scared to tell me so she said she wanted to break up instead. I finally got it out of her when I met up with her later to try and understand why she broke up with me.

She says how much she loves me and how sorry she is about everything and that she wants to get back together, but can I ever trust her again? When I imagine how long it would last I always think that it wouldn't last long...

It was already hard work being long distance, but I was fine with it because I trusted her so much. I know it was probably the booze, but I cannot possibly know if she'd ever do it again.

Thoughts? Do you think it's worth another go?

[paxo05]

Hi B.S.A.

It's is hard to comment with not knowing how you really feel about each other.

This may have been a drunken mistake but she was in a position to make it and it is easy to blame being drunk.

Like I say only you know how you feel and if you could really forgive. If you choose to try again remember do not use this as ammo in an argument.

If you move then it must be total and build the trust again.

If you feel you can't do this.....Then you have answered your own qiestoon.

Good luck.

Pax.

[steve55]

bsa hard one to reply to, as pax says, its one you might always throw back at her in an argument.

[cat3]

It's taken me most of my life to learn that the need for exclusivity in a relationship is doomed to failure. We're all fallible and where some of us fail the 'trust' test by an undeniable deed, the rest of us don't admit to our secret fantasies, so confidently occupy the moral high ground.

If you can separate the physical from the spiritual, your girlfriend's dalliance with a random guy doesn't have to devalue your relationship. Intimacy with a stranger can be meaningless, but empowering, to a female who's insecure in her chosen relationship. But it's usually of no value, and no threat to that relationship.

I'm guessing she's looking for more than you can give her in terms of commitment, owing to the distance issue, and this is her attempt at consolation for feeling insecure.

Whether we like it or not, we're all separate entities with our own peculiar coping strategies, some of which will surprise & disappoint the other. But often, if a relationship can survive a transgression, it can develop a thicker skin which can be far preferable to the fragile existance of one with impossible rules and conditions.

If it were me, despite the difficulties, I'd wipe the slate clean and put the trust concerns aside. Trust/blame/forgiveness is overrated. The situation is what it is Ben, so if you want to be with her, and she with you, don't waste precious time analysing. If it works for you both great ; if not, you won't regret not giving it a chance.

Good luck in deciding...........

Cat x

[malalatete in reply to cat3]

Super wise words from Cat, as always.

Only you can know if this really is a deal breaker for you. Society makes all sorts of assumptions about this kind of situation and dictates that you should view it in one direction -but as Cat says like so many things it is actually a 'make or break' moment rather than simply a 'break' point.

I would suggest that, now that the hard bit of truth sharing is over, you sit down with her and try to get out of her (gently) what she thinks were the underlying reasons for this. Is she lonely? Is she insecure in the relationship? Does she simply moss physical contact?

She might be completely devastated by where she has got herself but trying to put a brave face on things because she expects you to walk. You meed to be able to gauge the true depth of things and see what response that evokes in you.

Make no mistake, I am not trying to suggest that the love you share has not been wounded. And if you move forward by just sticking a plaster over this, there is every chance that it will infect your future together. But if you carefully cleanse the wound (and that will sting, tears will flow) and pull it together with careful stitches, cover it with a dressing full of softness, and check on it constantly, there is no reason why you shouldn't be together successfully, perhaps even stronger than before.

If you decide the wound has cut too deep though your best remedy is to retreat and give yourself time to recuperate.

Follow your heart, but use your head as you do so.

[RogerCMerriman]

I think the question is do you still love her? You can build trust back.

Clearly this is not a good thing to do to you but it doesn’t sound deliberate? Equally people use drunk as a convincing reason.

[B_S_A]

Thank you all for your advice, it's certainly food for thought. I haven't made up my mind yet, but I should at least meet up with her and talk to her at some point I think.