My dear Grandad died on Saturday and I felt, well nothing. He was 99 and had been ill for a few weeks but at least he didn't suffer. I felt a little low but sorted that out with a few minutes to myself but it seems my emotional side has completely changed. I really good friend of mine died a few weeks ago but it was so sad as he wasn't found for a week. Poor guy was drinking heavily and fell down the stairs in his flat cut his neck and bled to death. I was quiet when I fond out he died but again a few minutes to myself and then it was fine. The next day it was closure and case closed. It seems I can draw a line under death and have no emotion with it.
Has anyone else had this happen to them? Your emotional side change due to Bi. I had my accident back in May last year and I realised I had really changed when I first started using this forum but I didn't know my emotional side would change too. I knew it had as at first I really didn't care about the people close to me especially my immediate family, wife and kids its taken a while and some real action to sort that out but I'm still not 100%. Certain people I have to detach from as for me its easer to do that instead of confrontation but I'm really improving on it.
Since my Bi there hasn't been any one really close that has died thank God so this death thing is a new one for me to deal with and its a strange one. Before I would be very emotional and show my feelings with tears and love but its not so now. Im really trying to care especially for my mum as it was her dad that just died. Being a good son and offering help and kindness is whats required.
Just thought I would share this with you to see if others had similar emotional problems.
Have a fantastic Sunday evening. Nick xx
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MXman
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Yep emotional change can be a real hard thing to adjust to.
Feeling sad when happy and even laughing when sad felt strange but the lack of emotion is a real strange one.
It doesnt mean you dont feel the sadness but not when you expect it. You may find the emotions come through when you least expect it. Then again it may not come through at all.
Just remember its not that you dont care but just how you feel the emotions had. Stick with it and dont beat yourself up to much. It may be a temporary state or how you are now.
Dampened emotion has been a big issue for me Nick. Like you I used to be an emotional and demonstrative person, and still am in random situations , but not when it's appropriate.
It's a documented after-effect of bi but quite complex and often contradictory. Anger rises in me for the most trivial reasons now, which is another new issue for me.
But where bereavement is concerned (& there've been a few since my BI) I know I should be devastated but it's more of a numbness and a need to be alone, though not to shed tears. When this first happened I kept asking myself 'What the hell's wrong with me.................this is someone precious who's died '.
It's totally out of our control and I've stopped beating myself up for these changes which were not of my doing. So I respectfully bow my head alongside other mourners at the funeral service and offer the appropriate platitudes whilst feeling no emotion whatsoever.
And yet I can spontaneously choke with tears over anything involving animals, even cartoon ones in a kid's movie. It's obviously a 'wiring' issue and I've given up trying to understand it 'cause it's obviously way beyond my comprehension of brain function.
Oddly though, I still feel great compassion for other people suffering loss, or any other form of distress, like I'm one step removed from reality.
So best wishes Nick to you & your family ; what a shame your granddad didn't make it to the century after reaching such a grand age. xx
Thank you soo much for your caring reply cat, always really take in what you say and have done since iv been on here. You are absolutely right I do care really care just don't have emotion, none.
Now where animals are concerned thats a completely different ball game although i can draw a line under that very quickly and not dwell on it but I love animals some more than humans as they have no boundaries with love and affection.
Im sure it will come back my emotional side but than again if it doesn't acceptance is there.
Yes seems really strange to think my Grandad was born in 1916 wow. Nearly made it to 100.
You have a happy fun day cat and ill talk to you later. Nick XX
I feel very much like you - I feel like I see the world and evrtyhihg in it - I see the happy and the sad......I see my partner and all these people laughing and chatting naturally, I even get the jokes and the humour and understand it all - but it's as if I'm behind a glass wall, and I don't feel anything. I'm there but not there if you know what I mean? That's what's so isolating - they all look at me and think I'm my normal self and I'm far from it. x
Oh, love, yet another 'change', proving that brains are tricky beasts, and that they're not as simple as cast-crutches-limp to 'heal'. I can't empathise directly with the death/bereavement issue, as I've always been 'abnormal' about death, accepting that death will come to us all, and not at a point of our own choosing. To illustrate the point of how 'odd' I was before, I never cried at funerals for family or friends, because I fully accepted that it was just 'time' for the person, that their body had stopped working, and they were gone. Last January, carrying the three aneurysms that I knew nothing about, I travelled about 300 miles, to attend the funeral of someone I'd never met, and I cried, and cried, and cried, because I never WOULD meet her, she was in that box. Odd.
Some of it could be in relation to the area of your brain that was damaged in the accident, my current damage, from the rupture, is frontal-lobe, so my emotional regulation and impulsivity are buggers to keep under control, and I was like a squirrel with ADHD 'before'- it's like parenting a REALLY uncooperative toddler now.
Some of it could also be related to the fact that you had an accident that was potentially life-threatening, and you came through. My 'calm' acceptance of death was there 'before', so I'm not going to be shocked if I lose someone and don't 'feel' it, I'm generally more about processing than feeling anyway, always have been, the 'detached' elements of my PTSD are what enable me to deal with the most vile and horrendous things at work... I'm no more 'off' with people than I was before, I've always been a bit separate, a bit insular, so nobody really has cause to comment if I seem 'cold'- I always did.
I don't know, we're all different, and there isn't a rule on how we should mourn, or for how long. I'm waffling, it's 6am on a Monday morning,and I've only had one coffee. Hope you and yours are well, and managing to keep hold on this bucking bronco that is adaptation to brain injury.
Ha ha ha laughing out loud on a Monday morning "I was like a squirrel with ADHD" that really tickled me.
Yes mine was frontal lobe and my emotional, personal and caring side has completely changed. I used to where my heart on my sleeve and you would be the first to know how I felt but not now. Im very good with coming back with horrible one liners especially in the evening just to ruin your day, well my wife says I am as she's usually on the receiving end of them.
I too find that now I can close the death door very quickly and pout a line under it, You could be right about the near death experience that could be the reason. I just don't see the point and don't have the internal feelings to be upset over someone that has died. Think about the good memories with them and their life not the sad ones.
Anyway have a fantastic day and thank you for making me laugh this morning. XX Nick
Sorry to hear your news MX. You're not alone in that mister. I am aware of how I should feel or how I would have felt dealing with the situation/event before my surgery (I'd be a crying wreck). I do wonder if it is our brains way of shielding us from pain and hurt as we have been through so much it is telling us that there's nothing we can do about something that's already happened and is outwith our control so a barrier of saving our heart goes up! I do however become very upset and anxious about situations that are ongoing and especially if I have been upset by someone and my brain works double time trying to suss out answers to why, how could they, etc but not when it is such sad news as you have had, I tend to just go through the motions, which is very unlike the old me. I also get very upset for others who are dealing with loss or problems. Try not to worry about it too much as long as you are seeing to your mum etc that's all that can be done. xx
Thats a very good point peaches, its all about capacity and I'm learning that here too.
Fatigue for me accures when my brain can't take in any more information and I overload. The point of taking in emotional information would overload me too so my brain just blocked all that and the emotion is blocked too.
It would make sense, well to us anyway. Have a fantastic day. XX Nick
My Auntie and Uncle died within a week of each other and actually had a joint cremation. It was just another day to me that passed without incident. I think I've posted on here previously how I seem to lack any emotional response to loss since my BI. It's not unusual at all, far from it and I take my own particular solace from that if I'm honest
I'm sorry to say that I too have very different emotions than before my accident. It's somehow worse knowing how you used to be and also how you 'should be'. After the craziness of the unstoppable unwanted behaviours train that I went through for the first five months, I'm relived that some things gave improved, but some haven't and it's very upsetting. Telling myself to 'get over it' is my only strategy....no one understands - how could they? Thank you for sharing & hope you find a way through x
Replying to both your points I completely understand how you feel by being behind the glass I felt like that rely on but not so much now. Couldn't think quick enough for replies sometimes.
Your right too no one but no one understands until they have the same experience and I truly hope they don't, like others on here we understand because of the same experiences. When you are thinking that I don't want to talk to the person talking to you and you say sorry I have no interest in this conversation and its you dad, wife kids mum... They don't understand.
Apart from the fact that you have frontal lobe issues all I can say is don't beat yourself up over this one.
As for the doing what is expected like showing kindness to your mum because it is expected...........isn't that what most people do (even those without a bi) in such situations.
Another thing you may consider is that you are doing really well conforming to cultural expectations. You have had your personal time out and returned to be the stalwart that you are.
Your ability to recognise the emotional numbness and to understand and act on expectations puts you way ahead of the curve when it comes to being able to function normally.
Love what you say and your right I recognise it but can't do anything about it and thats the problem but hay ho thats the way I am now. As you say act on the expectations not react to them and to situations which I do all the time. I have learnt that I always used to react and now I have to act iv learnt this form another fellowship.
I think I can side with you on this one but I am also not sure if I am a slightly apathetic person.
What I mean ism my series of operations on my head started when I was 11. I was still a child when it started. So it could be that I wasn't really in touch with my emotions back then and after BI, my body couldn't really adjust to much emotion?
I don't know what it is really.
I remember being told, before my BI, that my great uncle had died and I remember being quiet and not really knowing what to say but I didn't really know my great uncle that well.
I had two nans, they both passed after my BI.
My mums mum died a long time ago, when I was in my teens I think. I was sad but didn't cry.
My other Nan, who I loved dearly, passed last year. Again I was sad but did not cry. I was told by my mum when I woke up that morning that my nan had gone into hospital because she wasn't well.
My first thought was that she was on her way out. Not really a nice thing to think but she was in her 80s.
Now when my brother found out he cried but I think it might have been more because it was how my Dad told him. He basically blurted it out "Ya nans dead". Not a very nice way to be told at all.
So sometimes I do think, am I more robotic now after BI when it comes to emotion or am I just an apathetic kind of dude and take things on the chin?
Yes see what your saying might be an age thing I suppose. Im 47 and do have a spiritual outlook on life in the fact when your gone your gone and there nothing left but I have my own time to deal with this. Its about 5 minutes on my own. I really don't need funerals and big services and wakes to do this and I'm not sure why. Must the positive acceptance in me. When your dead your dead your spirit goes to wherever you believe it goes and God bless you.
I just want to make something clear and something I probably should have added in the previous message but forgot.
I was a kid when I first had my ops as I said, but what I forgot was, they were back in 1996 and I am 32 this year.
I am not so young now,although most people think I am in my teens still and like most people my emotions should develop and age with me but maybe because of my BI it has altered that or like I also said before, I could be an apathetic person... Not a pathetic person. Apethetic haha.
It's good that you don't want funerals and big services/wakes and so on... At least I think it is a good thing. I think really putting on a big show like with the service and wakes are mainly for money-making which I do not agree with.
I'm not religious in any way so when I go I don't want a big service and I would like to be cremated. My 'send off song' would be Disco Inferno "Burn baby burn" and I won't want anybody to be wearing black, they can all wear there casual, comfortable clothing, the brighter the colours, the better. I wouldn't want people turning up to my funeral on a piping hot summers day dressed in black.
I would like my funeral to be like the first 3 letters of the word 'funeral'... FUN. Smiles and laughter, no sobbing.
After I am cremated, I would like my ashes to be kept in one of those coffee cup type things with a seed in it so that my ashes can feed a tree :).
I love the sound of my remains bringing life into the planet.
Well I was reading all the replies last night and thinking about death and just pondering on my emotions and No nothing there.
Really tried to think about memories with the 2 people that have died over the last month in my life and again no emotion. My brain just switches over to happy stuff in an instant a micro second: weird.
No matter what I think about and try and make my self sad just doesn't happen. Strange experiment I know but I do have a brain injury.
Thank God for this forum and you people on it.
Sorry about the morbid post but just had to say it as I know you people on here will understand.
Have a great Tuesday and may the intuitive thought police be with you. Nick XX
Similar here. During my early recovery my emotions were all over the place. My aunt who was also my god mother died unexpectedly and I was hysterical, I cried and cried but now 2 years on I don't get upset. I miss her like crazy and I feel bad that I forgot to respond to the last text she sent me. I went into shock when two old friends from years back died within a week of each other, but I think that was because I feel I cheated death and they were the same age as me. I did get ipset when my father in law passed away and i was with him, again it bought it home that i was so close to death. More recently I dropped my foster dog to his new home and was not emotional at all. He stayed with me for 6 months and I loved him to bits but I didn't feel sad to let him go. I felt like a reet cow, lol. I am a little glad the emotions have settled down but often feel I am being judged by others because I'm not a blubbing mess when bad things happen. X
I have a number of ideas as to why the grief may be absent/quickly resolved but as to which fits for you if any...I will let you decide.
One is your own near death experience as noted above. When you can be so pragmatic about your own demise (and let's face it, if we weren't, we would all be gaga) it can be hard to be anything other about someone else's.
The next is that protective thing: your brain doesn't want you to relive your trauma so shields you from it by erasing the connection.
Or perhaps it is simply a question of neuronal capacity: last time death was an issue it was a really big issue. Your brain has adapted with a short circuit because a) it doesn't have the resources to cope with it now and b) there is so much re-routing going on already that any more is impossible.
Spiritually I wonder whether your perspective has changed too? As a Christian I know that my condition has brought my relationship with him upstairs to a whole new level. That changes how you view death a lot...
I hope the ponderings and musings on here have reassured you anyway. It sounds like they have to some degree.
All very valid points, I suppose after a trauma our outlook on life changes. Things that used to affect and worry us don't so much now. I am not religious but I am spiritual and I believe in the power of prayers and positive thoughts. I'm certainly much more mindful now xxx
Great reply and I completely agree with you. I was fighting and fighting what happened when I had my accident as I could not remember what or how it happened, only new because people told me. It was a real problem for me because I couldn't reason with how it happened so I couldn't learn form it. Natural brain function I suppose.
The capacity for me is a sure thing I know I can't take to much in and when the overload button is pressed I know I have to stop and rest. The protective idea is great too as I'm learning this happens and the brain creates new pathways to connect and go round the old ones, fantastic.
Now the spiritual side is an interesting one as I'm very spiritual due to other issues and learning about myself and thats another storey.
I think brain injuries can effect you emotionally. For me I think I am slightly more emotional. I lost my dog in the car accident that caused my brain injury and can honestly say it was the worst dog loss I've been through. I don't think it was all down to my brain injury as the dog had been my first pup and the first dog of my own. All other dogs had been family pets, I took this dog everywhere I could and he was only 5 and healthy. Luckily I don't remember the accident and by far the worst thing for me was losing that dog. I do have another dog now which could mean an even worse upset when anything happens to him as my nan got him for me and has since died. Also this dog has helped me move on from my last dog and get out to walk him. When I lost my nan if anything I coped very well did cry when I first found out and the morning when I got up and at funeral, but compared to losing my grandad 11 years earlier it was nothing. I put that down to how both were when they died. My grandad was ok until 2 days before he died then was took in hospital and it was only the day he died he wasn't aware of anything and you knew he didn't have long and no quality of life. With my nan it was hell for her and us the months leading up to her death. She lost strength in arms and legs, couldn't get up herself, needed caters to get her up and put her to bed. Made no effort to do anything didn't eat or drink unless pushed to. My mum knew she was dying with cancer, I knew she had cancer but didn't know it was terminal. So I think my reaction was about right considering I felt I had already lost the nan I knew and loved months before her death. Now I feel how she was in the months before her death was her preparing us to losing her to make it easier for us and I have to say it did work tho I will always have good memories of her and even the last act of love she did making losing her easier.
Love what you say keely. Its so sad when loosing a loved one but for me, now its tough to show that emotion as its just not there. I have 2 dogs and the thought of loosing them puts a lump in my throat but funnily not for long. When there dead there dead and ill move on.
It seems to me this emotional thing for brain sufferers is a really interesting topic and I would love to chat to a specialist to learn more. Watch this space. Have a fantastic Wednesday keely. XX Nick
If anything it's probably better to not be as emotional, not as long moving on from things. You say when anything happens to your dogs you will move on. Well think about it. What else can you do? Cry over it rest of your life? Never have another dog to avoid going through it again? Moving on is the only option that means getting on with life everyone moves on at different speeds. I moved on from losing my last dog not because I didn't care or wanted to move on without him, but because that was the only option. When I first found out he had died my mum promised I would have another pup. At the time I honestly couldn't of cared less about getting another dog but agreed because I've always had dogs and knew I would likely want another in time. So don't feel bad about moving on it doesn't mean you don't care.
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