I had an SAH at the end of April, (during a business meeting, very dramatic), collapsed, seized and was air lifted to hospital. Had coils and a shunt, plus a drain for hydrocephalus. I then developed a vaspospasm so was in ICU for 2 weeks. I don’t remember any of it and can’t remember May, June or most of July. I’m recovering well physically, no physical deficits so I know how extremely lucky I am and I don’t want to offend anyone who hasn’t been as lucky as I have been. But my short term memory is still shaky, I get really grinding fatigue, can’t sleep and have absolutely raging anxiety. I also get dizzy when I stand and my brain struggles to keep up with conversations especially if there are many people talking. I miss my old brain. But, I don’t know when I should go back to work. I mean, they say “when you feel ready” but I don’t know what feeling ready looks like! Will how I feel improve if I go back, will it worsen? Is this as good as it gets and I have to just get on with it? Am I being over dramatic and giving in to this? I’m scared of going back to work, my brain isn’t what it was and my job is very demanding, I was really good at it before and I’m terrified I’ll go back and be less…I don’t know how I’ll deal with that. I certainly couldn’t maintain the pace or stress I used to thrive on, and everyone says that doesn’t matter but, it matters to me which is stupid I know but…I was really good and now…I’m not the same. I want to believe things will still improve but as time goes on, that’s getting harder to do. Is it still early days? Am I expecting too much or am I being too easy on myself? I’m sorry, these are questions I’m sure no one can answer but I feel quite alone and I put on a brave face at home cos I’ve put my husband and kids through enough. I guess I’d love perspective from someone who understands. Sorry, this has been longer than I intended!
Am I being weak?: I had an SAH at the end of April... - Headway
Am I being weak?
Hi clh71 and welcome, I am sure you will find lots of good advice and support on here to help you, until then you’ve got me, lol, I would say it’s still very early days,and there is time for things to improve, you have been through a great deal, and it does take time for your brain to recover, and no it may not be as good as it was but there is always chance of improvements. Some of your story was similar to mine I had a bleed, had stents and coils, I was a senior care assistant in charge in a care home, I did return to work after four months as I had no physical weaknesses but found my brain was struggling with memory, word finding, and fatigue, I reduced my hours then reduced my position as I didn’t want to put residents at risk, and did enjoy just being a carer again no responsibility, but more physical, and I did this until I developed new problems with my aneurysm and ended up retiring, having said all this we are all different and what works for one doesn’t necessarily work or apply for another, but please don’t feel so alone because on this site that is one thing I have found you will never be again, I have made some very valuable friends on here, who have got me through probably the hardest part of my life, lots of luck love Alice xx
Hi Alice x thank you so much for replying, honestly I cried with relief to hear from someone who really gets it and who validated how I’m feeling x I think I’d feel more well if I could sleep, 4 hours a nights not helping the situation! I really appreciate you taking the time x
Yes lack of sleep is always a problem, especially, when you have general fatigue as well, I used to love coming home and having a nana nap in the afternoon, but my stroke put an end to that, I can’t seem to do it now no matter how tired I am, would you consider anti anxiety meds from your doctor, maybe just short term to help you relax a little, I can feel the stress in your post and I feel while your having physical problems like the dizziness etc might not be ideal to go back to work until it all settles down. You have to learn to not be so hard on yourself , it’s early days,the brain is very complex, we are survivors and very lucky to still be here, I have learnt to laugh at my failings, I don’t worry about them any more, and count every day as a bonus,you will get there in time love Alice xx
I just want to say I can relate to all you have said. I have had all those thoughts many times. I have a Neuropsychologist and they have really helped me to get to grips with those questions. I still have them from time to time but gradually starting to see value in the new future rather than how things were before.
Be kind to yourself, this is tough and tiring.
Off for my nap now 
Hi. I was and very luckily still am a senior healthcare manager. I’m 13 months post car vs bicycle accident. I did an incredibly gentle return to work starting at just 6 hours per week. I have a Neurorehabilitation occupational therapist who helps me. I’m not as “good” as I used to be but I am still improving. We are all different but it seems to be a long recovery journey for everyone which may take us to all sorts of different places.
Welcome many of us here have been through the same or worse ordeals!! Please know u will find much needed support, or somewhere to just vent u frustrations?!! This site has helped many of us in dire circumstances. All I can offer now is to smile to spite u frustrations? People will think u lost orthotic but we all know different!! Keep safe n SMILE
Hi you are describing symptoms many of us suffer with, short term memory, word finding,overwhelmed in social situations and fatigue I have struggled with them after my moderate/severe tbi at it’s worst 9 on Glasgow coma scale
Its really hard to gauge actually because everyone is different. I have lots of different and horrible leftovers from a fall I had which gave me a bi-frontal subarachnoid haemorrhage and a subdural haemorrhage. Some days I just feel doomed lol ! Some days I think, yes this is good to then feel overwhelmed with fatigue and anxiety the next day. I have no sensation from neck down and temperature issues too along with a variety of other stuff. My only advice would be to say , you will know when the time is right, not much help really, sorry
Hello, I had a similar experience to you but with a brain tumour. A fast paced, think on your feet job, which I loved. Had a seizure in work, rushed to hospital, mass found on my brain, emergency surgery, in icu for a week , then another week on a rehab ward, getting home was a relief, but exhausted. Speech problems, terrible anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and a massive feeling. ‘who is this person now’ ? Mind racing, with so many questions. So first of all we all feel very much how you’ve explained how you feel. It can be a very lonely place, but here you are among likeminded friends. It is very early days for you, probably not what you want to hear, but brain injury takes months and years to make progress in improving. And in my experience you don’t totally recover. Your brain has to rework the damage from it, kinda of rewiring its self (neroplasticity’) everyone does this differently. I am 7 years on, I’ve made most progress in the last 2 years. This is something you can’t force. Rest is so important, you will find this is stressed to you but everyone, which is a difficult to understand, when you once were a very busy person. It does work , recharging your brain helps it recover. Information processing now will be difficult, sensory overload is massive, you will find lots of information in the Headway website about these subjects, this will help you understand how to manage situations better for you. I could go in and on, but let me finish with this, keep expectations small, you are recovering from a massive injury, don’t be too hard on yourself, rest well, see if you can get a neuropsychologist appointment, this will help you work through the adjustments you need now to manage the anxiety and this new way of life. Acceptance is very difficult, if all that has happened, it’s traumatic. And life looks different, but it can still be very fulfilling, just in a different way.
I never went back to work, it was too fast paced for me, I struggled with speech, and the environment was no longer appropriate. They also had a massive lack of understanding my situation and added to the anxiety. In reflection I’m glad to have discovered a new perspective on life and what is important now. I still can’t work, I volunteer and have a more simpler life, I have grieved for what I lost, but now I see so many new possibilities with new people, and it can be very fulfilling. Take this slowly and get some professional help, do not be pressured to go back to work, this is where many people find they can’t cope and have gone back too quickly. All the best .
Hi,
Unfortunately it just takes time. I’m 5 years post and much improved but definitely not ‘the same’ as I was before. That’s not all bad! I have learned a lot about myself and perspective so what I lack in ability to handle/juggle as before, I feel I can compensate with insight. It’s a shift, but give yourself time to evolve.
My hardest lessons were/still are self compassion, but confidence is a biggy too! Imposter syndrome big style - especially associated with work. I started small and learnt to reflect and celebrate the ‘can do’ rather than the other. Just remember, you have a wealth of knowledge still and with added perspective now that only comes from evolving through trauma and challenges.
Things definitively improve over time, but that also involves acceptance of the ‘new’ you, I would suggest. ‘Bandwidth’ or tolerance of multiple inputs expands with time too as the brain heals and gradual graded exposure helps if you can devise ways to limit it - initially I had to sit in a corner so nothing ‘came at me’ from behind or the side to be able to focus on conversation/task in front of me. Now that’s not a problem. I can block out the ‘trash’ to some extent. You will find what works for you and ‘arrange the room’ to enable yourself!
Start small, celebrate the ‘wins’ and learn from the other, but don’t berate yourself in comparison. Life is too short!
Good luck!
Mine was a SAH 11 years ago and, I promise you, decline in former abilities along with balance, wordfinding, memory, fatigue and emotional issues are the norm after most types of brain injury.
6 months is an incredibly short time for your brain to reconfigure and to adapt to its changed parameters. A phased return might allow you to gauge your coping levels, but perhaps also consider less demanding options ?
I'd say I reached some sort of equilibrium at around the 2 year point after learning that letting go of my previous life was none-negotiable. Life now is less erratic ; all about different expectations and values...
Do take more time to allow for further adjustment and maybe ask your GP about temporary meds for anxiety relief.
Best wishes, Cat x
Can only agree with everyone else, I came out of the Hospital 3 years ( and 1 day ) ago.
I have all the same feelings I was off work for 3 months and then spent 3 months on a phased return back up till Full-time. If I'm honest with myself 5 hours a day would be plenty but a family and mortgage means I have to fight through to the end of the day.
Things do change, but very slowly I had a strong stutter at first now that has mostly gone, I still have brain farts and the words just stop mid-sentence but now I just acknowledge it instead of getting frustrated by it.
Anxiety is still a problem but the Sertraline has helped with that, not a cure but better. (See Verve the drugs do work)
Busy social situations are a struggle but I find that depends on the people there, i.e. how many of them I know and they know me.
Short term memory is shot, sorry to say that but that doesn't mean it will be the same for you. I try to take notes but if I don't do it straight away I forget to make them. I think all the things are there as I tend to remember them at a later point in time, just usually too late or I just forget it straight away again. But that is just me everyone is different.
Hopefully you will get some form of Neuro help as you are early in this journey, I've had nothing since they sent out of Hospital as it was COVID and home was a better place to be. I feel that had I got help at the beginning I'd be on a better path.
The missing the old you is a thing, I've still not accepted that the old me is dead and what I am Now is the new me. Not really liking the new me, he is a bit useless compared to the one I was.
Maybe some of that is not want you want to hear but I want to be honest to how I am, There is every chance that you will be back to your old self, and as many have said it will take time and maybe the new you will be someone you enjoy being.
Also remember it is so hard for other people to understand what we are going through, we often look the same as we did but we could be a totally different person.
They are well intentioned but when they say they are tired too to empathise really doesn't help. Fatigue is nothing like being tired.
I forget things too at my age..... No, you've not forgotten you just can't remember right now. I have no recall whatsoever of that having ever been said or done.
That is why, here, is great, we know what you are talking about.
To end on a positive, I can watch films released in the last few years, 3 or 4 times before they are not premiers to me
You'll do whatever works for you, try not to break yourself trying to be the before you.
Take Care.
Hi clh70 my reply seems a strange one I did write a lot more than that I don’t know what I done wrong 🤷♀️ if you didn’t have lots of great advice already I’d try again. In short gauging your fatigue will give you an idea of how much you can do and if you’re ready.
HiI had a SAH in August 2020 I also now have a VP shunt for hydrocephalus so I can relate to some of the things that you are going through.
I have not been able to return to work as my job was a very demanding role and I would not be able to cope in that kind of environment.i find it hard when there is more than one person talking and multiple things going on around me.its like my brain is overloaded and just wants to shut down.
I still struggle alot with bad headaches which they say may never go away because of the blee,I also struggle with fatigue,balance,virtigo,mental health and I also have COPD.
The thing we are the lucky ones that have survived and our life is going to be different going forward in many ways.
Please accept all support from both charities and professionals as this has really helped me to get where I am now.
Take each day at a time and only do what you can do.slow and steady,rest when you need to,and don't overload your brain.nice quiet areas and relaxing will help.
Good luck for the future.
you guys x I’m humbled by your kindness and so grateful to you all for taking the time to offer your support. Your stories have helped me mostly with the imposter feelings I have, I mean, I have no physical deficit so I should be fine right? So, thank you for impressing upon me the validity of my symptoms and feelings, it’s much appreciated. I’ve never been good at admitting I need help, or am struggling so thanks for making it easy x Claire x
Hi Claire, told you lots of nice people on here who will support and help you anytime you want a chat or a rant, we support each other, I couldn’t have got through the last six years without them love Alice xx
I have been exactly where you are now. It's still early days for you. I'm 2 and a half years on and still in my early days of recovery. Don't worry about work, it's still so early for you. Are you still get pay of any kind? I know it's not easy, but just concentrate on your recovery right now. Worry about work as well will exhaust you even more. Be kind to yourself
I had SAH Oct 22 and it wasn’t as dramatic as yours at all but I have most of the things you mention and lots of the questions and doubts. I am just starting a phased return now, 12 months later, and am so lucky to have had that time to recover, but I’ve found it to be a very long process with lots of ups and downs. I know now that this is still early days for me and it helped that a neurologist told me that. I am beginning to accept that things just take time. Looking back I can see the progress month to month, but it didn’t always feel like progress at the time. And always feeling like I ’should’ be better.
Be kind to yourself.
Recovery is hard!! Had mine in 2000. Divorced & family friend rejection. Joined day centre for years until it closed. Became mums carer after dad died. She developed alzimers so I grew up fast! Tried to repay the 20 years she looked after me?!!! Spent all my benefits on cab fare to sit with her in hospital before she passed. My social life these days is coffee in morning with friends from day centre. No inclination to join groups other services have recommended lucky tbi doesn’t recognise/ remember anxiety. Just struggle on?!! Keep safe & learn to SMILE to spite injury?!! Keep sage
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