Is it all me? Am I wrong for think I should be tre... - Headway

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Is it all me? Am I wrong for think I should be treated better?!

19KMcG87 profile image
19KMcG87

Hi,

I can’t make sense of it all... yesterday was the 18th anniversary since my accident; severe brain injury and also lost both sisters at the time.

I don’t know where things are at with my husband, at an all time low not feeling cared about, thought of, ultimately loved - but is it because he’s trying so hard?! Trying to make up for the fact he can’t shower me in gifts?! But I don’t want that, yesterday all I wanted was him, but no he went to the pub as it’s just like any day...

My 30th I got a meal out and an ice cream maker.... he expects an awesome once in a lifetime surprise for his 40th. It makes me feel so ungrateful... but he knows how my teenage years were full of doctors etc etc, how I just want to be thought about... I don’t want to be told I’m loved I want to be shown..

We’ve two kids together, this morning I think it’s rock bottom. I don’t want anything more from him other than what I shouldn’t have to ask for?!?! He’s told me if I’m not happy to go find someone else.

Hmmmm... thanks for listening xxx

14 Replies

A TBI can have a seismic effect on not just the person but all close personal relationships, so I wonder what your husband would write.

Perhaps you both need to go down the Relate route to talk openly about how your relationship has developed over the last 18 years. However if your TBI support service can provide counseling for couples this may be a better option given the dynamics of a TBI.

19KMcG87 profile image
19KMcG87 in reply to sealiphone

I know... he insists he’s happy and it’s only me who’s unhappy, seemingly everything I do is never enough... and I’m so tired! I don’t have any support service, thanks for your response! It’s a bit of a clueless situation sorry :-/ xx

sealiphone profile image
sealiphone in reply to 19KMcG87

I feel like I need to sit him down and point out if he's happy then why does he say you should find someone else, derrr!

Hi We had our accident at the same age then (just turned 30 and then celerbrated my 17th anni) I left my bf of 9 years because he made life too stressful he has since looked back and said sorry for it now Im single (for 2 years) sometimes Im happy with it and sometimes Im not I feel like no one will love me and im going to die alone without kids and I don't have a gd relationship with my mum growing up but since moving out (again 2 years ago) she has looked back and it now treating me better

19KMcG87 profile image
19KMcG87 in reply to bexx87

That’s what I’m scared of... with two young kids, dog finances etc it seems such an upheaval and get out when it’s only right some of the time. And yes some of the time it’s seemingly much like any other couple... except when I try to talk it’s all to do with me and my paranoia etc. Hmmmm truely perplexed atm, I keep telling myself no ones perfect, I’m definitely not so I should shut up and stop being ungrateful as he does love me and want to be with me. Suck it up and stop thinking?!

Thanks for your response - kind of funny how we were the same age!

bexx87 profile image
bexx87 in reply to 19KMcG87

When ever I spoke about how the anxiety was making me feel my ex use to tell me I don't suffer from anxiety and I should stop going to the headway group as my head injury doesn't effect me and it will only drag me down, my response was you don't live my life and see what I have to deal with every second if you did you would see how my brain injury does effect me and I saw a neurologist who said I was suffering from anxiety when I explained how I felt and put me on medication which shut up my boyfriend (depression and anxiety are side effects off my brain injury when me and my bf first met he saw how depressed I was and took me to the dr who put me on medication which I was on for 2 years because my mum ignored drs advice when it came to putting me on mediation but she was happy to put me on sleep pills (my mind still boggles about it) as insomnia effected my school work and I do wonder if she would have put me on medication if the depression and anxiety effected my school work) and now the gp thinks Ive been on the medication for too long and I am experiencing side effects and my manager thinks my head injury doesn't effect me but knows that I have memory issues (again mind boggling) thankfully there are staff here (my managers mangers) who understands how hard it is for me (as he has a friend with a bi) and gives me so slack (like over powering my manager when he threated to dismiss me over poor work performance which I didn't realise was happening or saying I can go home early at xmas because what he told my manger to send to the team, my manager changed the working so it didn't effect me but allowed senior staff member to go home early and because my manager isn't interested in my health issues only my work load I have to tell his manager updates from going to the gp then going to the BRI then going back to gp and then being referred to BIRU)

hey now for a sensible reply. i too have a bi, i have a loving wife of 38 years, but she doesnt understand what its like to have a bi, how can she, she does have one and i hope she never does.

have you ever tried sitting down with your husband and explaining to him that you arent the woman he married, you look the same but youve changed and he needs to learn to love the new woman, because thats what you are, whatever life path you were on when you had your accident stopped and since then youve been on a new journey.

check out your local headways group and take your husband with you itll open his eyes because hell get to meet the poor devils like my wife who put up with us !!!

good luck

steve

19KMcG87 profile image
19KMcG87 in reply to steve55

Hi Steve, thanks for your response. I had the accident 6 years before I met my now husband so he never knew me before... but yes we thankfully can talk and keep talking... I guess it’s happened before but not this bad at all, the time between us not having issues if you like is getting less as in it’s every couple of months as opposed to every couple of years.

Thankfully yes I am very aware he will never understand me, as I will never understand what he’s been through.

We have spoken since, a few times, and seem to be getting back on track... well things have been thrown into the air about with the snow, tomorrow will be the third snow day schools are closed so long days entertaining the kids. On a semi plus side (though not for them...) my guests flight has been cancelled so at least I’ve got no one in my cottage at the moment!

My local headway group seems to have shut down, I’ve been up a couple of times and Noone’s there. I also can’t get hold of anyone on the phone!

I am subtly getting him to learn more about me... he’s a very quiet private man in the sense that he has to learn things himself and will not be told/told to go anywhere do anything...

I’m so tired after the anniversary last week, it takes it out of me! So sorry it’s a short reply! Hopefully I can respond to the rest over the coming days.

Thanks again, take care Katy :-)

steve55 profile image
steve55 in reply to 19KMcG87

katy, your hubby could always learn about your problems on here and as youre aware by some of names, if he wanted to ask a question, he could always do it annonymously.

speak to him about it, show him some of the questions and replies, you never know it may start his thought process.

steve

I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. I understand. A major part of the problem for recovery from and living with BI, is that the better you get at coping and the more you do that ‘looks like notmal’, and the more like your old Pre accident self you become....family and friends and colleagues stop recognising that anything is the matter. It’s not their fault - they are busy getting on with their own life. They want everything to be the same as before . So as soon as you can walk about and do the housework and generally behave like a normal person - they forget. They can’t see all that’s going on inside your head and all the effort it takes you to make you look like you’re ok. Add to this the complication of expectations of a relationship and no wonder problems occur. Steve is right when he says you need to talk - but maybe in an environment like a relate meeting would be better? If you could persuade your art net to phone Headway for advice that might help? Can you find some way of telling him how lonely you feel wen he’s out? Is it possible for you to go out in the evening as well ? Talking about it is the start and then deciding after a while if this is what you both want is the next step. I do hope you can sort it out. It’s a minefield isn’t it ? I completely get where you’re coming from . I’m in a very different relationship now since the injury. I’m trying to make the best of what is is now and not thjbk about what used to be. xx

I recommended Relate before but what anyone should realise the outcome may not be what you expect.

Perhaps your husband feels, if you did go to counseling, you'd come to the conclusion that you don't need him.

I am so sorry I am terrible at writing and keeping check of responses! I really do appreciate all your comments, frankly I admire the fact you can be so attentive and there for each other on this site! I don’t know how you all keep up! To update, we have spoken, lots and lots and lots... it’s still out there and the feelings but I more know where I stand and how to cope and handle it... best yet I will finally have my wheels back after a year of no car! Thank you again everyone, greatly appreciate the comments and hope I can return the favour sometime! Xxx

Hello 19KMcG87. I am very impressed by the maturity with which you handle your situation. Having a BI is very straining on a relationship, but at the same time, just being in a relationship that is satisfying for both partners is quite a feat to accomplish. Many moons ago, I was your age and married. Although at the time I had not yet been afflicted by the major TBIs I suffered later on, I remember feeling exactly the way you do when my husband would go out without me. Now, I am older (twice your age), I find the special moments I have by myself enjoyable and rejuvenating (I am also currently not in a relationship and live by myself). I love to knit, which allows me to have quiet times while keeping my mind occupied. Not to say that knitting or art craft can save marriages, but it sure can help one to keep their wandering brain in check. I use Youtube whenever I have to learn a new stitch. Although I knitted a little when I was a teenager, I started to knit seriously after my biggest TBI in 2007. I started with simple scarves, and now knit quite intricate lace and everything I desire. Anyways, this post is just to say that I hope your marriage last forever. I was a divorced young mother, and nothing gets much worse than that (unless being in an abusive relationship, I guess). It was difficult on me and devastating for my son. Good luck to you. I am sending you big hugs.

Thank you very much for your answer Towards_Healing. I find it’s cooking and baking that focus my mind elsewhere...I guess like your knitting!

Big hugs a many returned xxxx

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