Am I being unreasonable?

[Chat2U]

Anyone seen this on mumsnet?

So, I tell you a scenario and you give me honest feedback to the question: "Am I being unreasonable?"

SCENARIO

2 close friends talking about what a nightmare it was having a friend who had mobility issues.

They weren't talking about me.

The woman they were discussing had a brain tumour and struggles to walk now

Bear in mind I've had the TBI plus had multiple neck, back and rib fractures so I usually walk with sticks and can only go short distances.

"can't stand people who can't walk properly"

"how annoying it is that they shuffle"

"it's all in their head, they can do the stairs when they have to"

"they don't help themselves"

"if they can walk with a walker then they can walk without it, it's just confidence"

OK. Honest feedback please...

I genuinely need to know if it was me being super sensitive or if this conversation was cruel with me sat there. I've been told that I take things too personally since the TBI. (true) But they are using this as an example of why i need more therapy.

[Globalartichoke]

No you aren't be unreasonable. They are being distinctly insensitive and ignorant.

Yes - dealing with other peoples disabilities can be inconvenient & frustrating. BUT the inconvenience and frustration you may feel is absolutely nothing compared to the inconvenience and frustration they may feel.

It may be this is coming from their own lack of understanding, or their own lack of self confidence. In the past I've had dealings with similar people and it's often the case the same people feel the need to be the centre of attention when they suffer even the mildest of inconvenience.

Breathe deeply and count to ten... there are a lot of really nice people out there.

[paxo05]

hi, It was unreasonable and ignorant full stop.

I hate people who Re small minded and bigoted, but I would talk about them behind their back. To their face is another matter.

over the years I have met many well educated ( so they tell me) people who have told me it's in my head. I walk with a limp and slowly. Unfortunately they are sort of right as I have suffered a right side moderate to severe bi.

I usually ask for their address so as to visit them instead of my consultant as they are obviously more qualified.

if you feel uncomfortable with their comments tell them. After all you have experience in theses matters.

[bridgeit]

Oh my. Isn't it true that we never really know what's going on inside someone else's mind or what they truly think?

In my opinion, the conversation you overheard was more than cruel given your situation and proximity to this delightful pair; its content was wholly inappropriate.

I think you've presented a classic example of people egging each other on, comfortable with their overt hostility, sharing views that feed each other's fears, impatience and insecurity resulting, in this case, in a denial of obvious disability. This pair doubtless find comfort in their shared ignorance. They feel 'safe' with each other so express their opinions thinking there can be no challenge or other unpleasant consequences for them to have to deal with. It's a known pattern of behaviour, particularly within extremist groups.

I think this pair has displayed an overt disability in terms of their capacity for adult rational thought. It's clearly absent. That's pretty serious and will very likely have unfortunate consequences in due course.

In my opinion you are entitled to feel aggrieved and offended, but rest assured this pair has a bigger problem than you do. Very likely, one day, they will each feel the shame of it.

[Leaf100]

They were being cruel, inappropriate, and thoughtless.

This does not mean, if you are, as you say, very sensitive to things, that you don't need therapy.

It isn't that your sensitivity is wrong - what it may mean is you need to learn some coping and management strategies. Because, out in the world you are going to run into a lot of twits like that. Count on it.

We do need therapy to learn to deal with what we will face because of our circumstances. Some of that is our physical and cognitive limitations, and some of that is learning to recognize the twits in life, and learning to deal with the twits in life, without it knocking us off course.

Not saying this is easy. Do keep in mind that I was very dissaccosiated after the injury and I learned disassociation can be a good skill to have. It allows me to keep going, and to not have to waste precious processing cycles on other people's crap.

Knowing how to set boundaries is a good thing - if people speak like this around you and are supposedly friends, you have to know if you have the energy or the inclination to educate them, or if that is worth your precious effort. It may not be. In a way it is good when people tell you who they really are - and when they do, please believe them.

There are lots of kind people out there who don't automatically think bad things, or skeptically, about people with health situations. There are also, sadly, lots who do. You may want to just note which is which and arrange your social life accordingly.

If they had the slightest inkling of how much effort, and bravery , and courage, getting around best you can actually takes , they would never think such things, never mind say them. On one hand people can't understand something they haven't experienced, which is true - and on the other hand, it is also true that some seemed to have missed having any compassion or empathy for others at all. They also need therapy. Unfortunately society may not see their attitude for the mental health issue it truly is.

best wishes to you, stay strong... I think we've all heard similar, and worse...

Leaf

[moo196]

These people should not be your friends imho.

You are better than this

[Nemo24]

Unbelievable in that how can they be so rude. No semblance of "be kind" anywhere in those sentences. I would like to think that even pre brain injury I would have been think is there anything I can do? Open/hold a door, move chairs in way etc. Wouldn't want these as my 2 close friends. Let's celebrate all those amazing friends who have supported and helped us through our challenges.

[Pairofboots]

Hi, I wouldn't recommend it, but I would, and have done in the past called people out for having such views.

I say I wouldn't recommend just jumping in, it isn't always welcome, and preaching to the ignorant is a thankless task.

[1949liz]

How disrespectful of these two so called friends. They are NOT friends or acquaintances they are lacking in sensitivity and humanity. In todays world disability is due to many different facet of life, yet we continue to carry on working even if we are tired, looking after the family even when we want to lie down and sleep . But to sit and be insulted is a disgraceful attack on your disability.And everyone else’s disability or illness, believes me they should be ashamed of themselves. You are so brave so lift your head up high shoulders back and sod them for there ignorance Take care God Bless Liz and Shelly 🙏❤️

[sashaming1]

They're just talking without understanding the issue. It was cruel but but not on purpose. "They don't get it" is all . But they have their opinion - although it may be wrong. I wouldn't get too worked up about it or take it personally.

[Writeronstack]

My grandma used to say "people never say anything about others. But every time they open their mouths, they introduce themselves". Well, this is a classic case. They've just told you all about how they really are. . . Unkind, and lacking in imagination or compassion. Impatient. Insensitive.

The question is "do you want them as friends?" That's what good boundaries are for. Whose opinion matters to you?

Whether you need therapy isn't for me (or anyone else for that matter) to decide. But in your position I would decide it without the "help" of these people.

But let things cool off for a bit, and find and keep better company. And move about exactly as you need to, without reference to such opinions.

[Chat2U]

Thankyou everyone.