Husband had a severe TBI

[Daylesford]

HiI often read these stories as they give me comfort. They also offer a different perspective as I didn t suffer a TBI injury, my husband did after a kite boarding accident.

28 days in a coma several months in rehab. No one thought he would survive yet alone return home and to work.

But I have a different husband.

He is not the same person..I m trying my best..have been there

The whole time..but it has exhausted me.

If it was just that I would be happy..but he drinks and i can only see a another accident happening.

Socially he has pulled away from everyone except me.

I feel like I m on and awaiting another trauma.

Thanks for listening

[Pairofboots]

Hi, sorry to hear your thoughts. A BI can immunise you from seeing how your behaviour impacts on others. Does your husband receive support from a rehab service? If so this may be a way in to broach your concerns. If they have a neuropsychologist, they may be able to explore risk behaviour with your husband. You also need to take care of yourself. Contact Headway, they can help you with this, and potentially support your husband. Their contact details are pinned to this page.

[Daylesford in reply to Pairofboots]

Thanks for your advice.We have professional help..but not making any change.

I guess he can t completely express how he really feels...to me or professionals.

I m at a loss..cause I m so worried and feel hopeless and frustrated

[Pairofboots in reply to Daylesford]

You are in the right place being in the forum, you are far from alone in what you feel. I hope other carers will be able to offer you support.

[cat3]

I guess I would've asked the same as Pairofboots but I see you have help already in place. I'm sorry life has become so stressful for you, especially after the trauma of your husband's critical days and relief of his survival.

I hope it's a case of his proving he's still a capable and dynamic human being. The day after my discharge I insisted on walking alone to the local shops (followed none too discretely at a distance). On seeing a new, bright yellow bicycle for sale, I ordered it for delivery.

If it's the 'Prove yourself' syndrome let's hope your man's acceptance of his 'New self' will kick in before much longer. It was a couple of years or more before burn-out had become so tedious for me that I couldn't hide it from others any longer. I still exceed my limits fatigue-wise but not with unnecessary risks.

I really hope you and others can convince your husband how rewarding and interesting life can be without the risk of extremes, and the massive benefit that would be to your own mental health.

Stay in touch Daylesford. All best wishes, Cat x

[Daylesford]

Thank you.helpful and insightfulx

[pozza40]

Hi daylesford I am a carer too,for my husband. He suffered a massive stroke after surgery for an aneurysm. We too had the coma and lengthy stay in rehab before he came home 2 years ago.He is a completely different man, I honestly don't know how I get through some days. I'm really sorry that there is yet another person going through what I'm experiencing and I can see your longing for some sort of definitive answer in your post,but I'm afraid I don't think there is one.

I am exhausted with trying to find an answer or at least help moving forward. In the meantime everyday all day I look after a man who is as different from the man I married as night and day.

I hope my post hasn't made you feel worse,that's not my intention, I only wish that knowing someone else gets how you feel will help.

[Daylesford in reply to pozza40]

It so comforting to know that I m not alone(obviously Don t wish this situation on anyone) the exhaustion to make things better is the hardest and most frustrating.Deep down I know I need to accept where he is..finding that hard as I mourn what we had.

Thanks

[pozza40 in reply to Daylesford]

I know exactly what you are feeling, there isn't a day that passes where I don't wish for a glimpse of my old husband and I hate to admit it but I think for my own sanity I have become somewhat detached from him. We just can't have the same relationship we had before and like you it's too exhausting emotionally. So to cope I'm becoming detached.Please take care of yourself too in all this x

[DTBI]

Hi Daylesford,

I appreciate where your husband is, I had a TBI 9yrs ago. It took me 4yrs to get my driving licence back and fully understand and accept who I now was. However it is still difficult and at times jealous to be a new person socialising with all my friends who are the same they’ve always been. I would find life much easier if I went & lived somewhere I knew nobody, put simply a new person existing in a new place and new people who never knew me in my first life.

I pick up now and again but the best company I have is with my dog. I do also drink too much alcohol when necessary to help me cope with it. Everybody forgets you still cope with the ‘new me’ everyday.

Sorry to be a little depressive but I suspect your husband may be dealing with similar challenges regularly. Of course, he might not be likely to admit this because he’s a bloke😊

Good luck, hopefully things will pick up x

[Daylesford in reply to DTBI]

Thanks DTBI.Great insight.

I would love it if my husband could say all those things..I would then have a clear understanding.

Maybe a reminder for me that he is still finding the "new him" challenging.

I have suggested a dog..as I think he would find it comforting.

Thanks for the insight

[Snowcloud]

There is a facebook page called Brain Injury Carers Support that you might find helpful

[Daylesford in reply to Snowcloud]

Amazing. Thanks

[mucky1]

My husband suffered a brain injury over 3 years ago , he had rehab but didn't think there was anything wrong with him and would not co operate with the rehab team so was sent home.

He still doesn't think he has anything wrong, but he is a very different man to the one before his accident. He gets very aggressive with people if they don't agree or correct him, he does tell people things that are incorrect, but won't listen to reason gets aggressive or just shuts down. He can't work, but tells people he does.

I have tried to get help but doctors say they can't do anything because he says there's nothing wrong !

It is very trying and I don't know what he's going to do next, my family and friends are great, I now go out and do my own thing otherwise I would go nuts ! I think self preservation is an important thing, with a family member having a brain injury the rest of the family need space and time away to help them cope better. I did feel guilty at first but you have to look after yourself else you can't help them.

Take care

[Daylesford]

Thanks ..great reflective informationx

[LouBL0u]

Hi

I’m sorry that you are experiencing such loss. I understand but am the one with a TBI .. I often feel guilt for not being the woman I was and experiencing anger. I have had occasions when I’ve become very distressed. It’s very much to do with feeling out of control or not heard. I have to trust others to remember and will contradict them if I remember differently. I think this is because I can feel rudderless.

But I’m also still me and caring and loving and appreciative. It’s just sometimes my own sense of loss is overwhelming.

My hubby has recently started therapy ( I had my TBI in 2018) and it has helped him understand how he feels. There was a drama series on Netflix called “close to me” that gave an insight into some of the memory issues …

Good luck, I hope my marriage survives but wouldn’t hold it against him if not