My husband has experienced depression and anxiety for most of his life. He was randomly assaulted on Christmas Eve 2019 in front of our 3 little children and I and sustained multiple head injuries, a brain injury and a broken jaw, amongst other things. He has made a great physical recovery, against all odds. However, his mental health has been spiralling and I am struggling to cope with it. Our children are only 2, 4 and 5 but they are fully aware that the last few weeks he has not been himself at all. They have really distanced from him and on the odd occasion he tries to interact with them they get upset and come to me. He is taking an anti-depressant but I really don't think it is helping.
We have had a wonderful day in the sunshine today, but half way through eating our dinner he left the room and has just gone to bed. If I show the slightest sign of feeling sad it tips him over in to a severe bout of depression which can last a couple of days. His neurologist said that this is quite common following a brain injury. But I don't feel it is plausible for me to live my life like this, or that it is a healthy environment for our children to be in. However, I do not want o leave him. I am incredibly upset and do not know what to do, who to talk to, or what to say.
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MBG23
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Hi. I am so sorry that things have been so difficult. I can strongly recommend calling the Headway helpline on 0808 800 2244. They are really excellent with things like this, as well as with all aspects of brain injury. They will be able to not only give you information and advice, but also to offer you support.
I really don't know how I would have managed without them over the past five years.
That's great, thank you. I contacted Headway a couple of months ago and they called a couple of times. They said they'd call once a week but I've not heard from them since. However, I won't let this put me off!
I totally understand and when my husband takes himself off, i know its his way of restraining behaviour now despite some cursed words on route. This is good progress. I leave him be until i know he needs fluids, food which usually takes another hour or so to influence him to come back down. Im not to show any negative tones, facial, body language as aware it can esculate, so i remain always calm, best i can. It will get better im holding on firmly we can get through this for our family as nearing 1st year of this unexpected experience and i juggle his full time care, kids and full time job with no family, friends as the walked away when he was in PTA stage.
As much as I wish you weren't going through something similar to me, it is nice to know we're not alone. I try to leave him to it, but it can often escalate quite quickly for him and he ends up smashing things and becoming quite hysterical. It's very hard to know what to do in this situation, I try to stay calm and just listen and let him ride it out. But sometimes our kids see him and then it's incredibly hard to know whether to intervene or not...
Yes, damage has been made in our house, yet to be sorted. Phone im using quick buy, i had to buy as my contracted one smashed to bits , stair gates now broken from the swinging on his route. Our son has had to help in some situations. Despite PTA stage, October has stuck with me it was on my birthday he kicked off, continued on to next day, son didnt go school, i didnt go work; my work didnt check on me, school didnt check on absence, (safeguarding policies) brain injury team didnt respond to messages with me saying were at crisis point. Just totally on my own. Happened again in November same no checking to the point i was searching emergency accommodation. Whole of January walking on egg shells, but was then i knew to put strategies into practice properly, february not too bad, only march and today he was brewing; i think he knows deep down not to push me this month, im really anxious, tearful and ready to blow myself.
Despite the behaviour home visits still postponed ive managed to protect kids from witnessing or hearing best to my ability with stratagies.
I just want this month to end, my coping strategies really being tested to the point im feeling nausea in my throat with anxiety.
I have no one, absolutely no one, and to top off just bailed him out with finance issues which he done behind my back causing more strain on my heart.
But hes my husband, hes learning and little help given due to lockdown, so i know despite the heartache i do argue with myself negative thoughts premature, i just love him too much, knowing, hoping we get through this, this is the ugly natural process with TBI at 11.5mths and we got a long journey working, sussing out how to really work with TBI. Feels like alot of trail and error, but better position than we was 6mths ago, so progress being made. I just hope access to services start very soon and home visits back in place we do have lots of positives to share but negative topics to share also which with professional guidance will support our journey in tackling.
Gosh, this is difficult to know you are experiencing this. Does your husband have moments of feeling quite high and go up and down? My husband did, but that seems to have stopped in the last couple of months and he's either OK or very depressed, anxious and/or angry, but no highs. Maybe that's better in some ways though as could be settling? Or just the antidepressants ? We finally managed to get some contact with the BI team and his neuropsychologist has requested the GP increase his dose of Mirtazapine. He also asked if his other meds are helping with restless legs and extreme thirst, but we had no idea that they were meant to have been prescribed in December!! We are feeling so let down, particularly by the GP, which the guys from Headway said is really common as many GP's just don't understand TBI's!
You are right, they are our husbands, fathers of our babies and we love them so very much. I think I am a good carer, but could be so much better if I'd had the right guidance to understand how he's feeling and what he's going through...
Were just waiting on hormone level blood results I have appointment with his GP Thursday. Will do medication review too. He has assessment Tuesday for white noise device as new to hearing aid adding to fatigue, behaviour so im really hoping this helps. BI team home visits been postponed so far this year, i called in January no return call, just on advice whilst were wait for home visits to commence.
Ive researched indepth and sadly hes going through the motions which i totally understand supportive of this forum.
I was sorry to read your message (welcome to the forum by the way). It sounds like you and your husband had a horrible experience, and things still aren't at all great. It must be difficult with your young children too. (How bad was his brain injury? What sort of problems has he had to cope with since?) I agree with Marnie that it would well be worth talking things over with the Headway helpline in the first instance, and you may also be able to talk to someone at your local branch also.
Your neurologist is right, depression and anxiety are strongly linked to brain injury - either directly caused by it, or caused as a result of trying to cope with the effects of brain injury. I suppose the question is what sort of support has he had since his brain injury? We all struggle with quite a lot of issues post brain injury, and it can be terribly difficult, particularly as they often aren't apparent to other people.
Hopefully he is getting some sort of talking therapy alongside his antidepressant, and some practical help with any difficulties he has from the brain injury. But, it may be that he also needs his medication reviewed, as it may not suit him, and/or may be having limited effect - it sometimes takes a while to get the right drug post TBI. Perhaps talk to Headway, your GP and /or his neurologist, about a referral to a neuropsychiatrist - as they are good people when it comes to treating BI - and they have a close understanding of the way drugs affect or can treat the brain.
I feel for the strain you are under, it sounds like you are walking on eggshells, but you've made a good start here by speaking out about it. Keep talking to us here - you'll find plenty of support, but also try ringing Headway as a start this week? You need to be supported too.
Thank you for your response. Unfortunately, he was discharged from hospital only 5 weeks after a severe brain injury and we had no guidance at all on what to do or how life would be. I was asked if I was happy to continue his care at home because there was a long waiting list for the rehab clinic he was supposed to spend at least 4 weeks with, then we left the hospital with a box of paracetamol! 6 weeks later the brain injury team showed up and pointed out the errors we were making, such as him trying to do too much and not taking a nap in the day, which we were completely unaware he needed to do... He was referred to a neuropsychologist, who called him once a month for two months and we haven't heard from him since. Basically, the support has been non-existent, so we are hoping to get some advice from everybody on here. I appreciate the pandemic may have disrupted things, but we are starting to realise now that we have slipped through the net, big time!
Yes MBG, (very sadly) I think you have slipped through the net, and it's very important for all of you to have help.
(And yes, we all need a few naps a day - fatigue makes it very difficult to cope with everything really - and it's also common to have a lack of self insight for quite a while after a BI, and think that you are more ok than you are).
I can't offer you any better advice than what Pairofboots has just written to you today.
Do you think you can make those calls to your GP, the neuro rehab team, and Headway (0808 800 2244) and to victim support, and the social services for a carer's assessment - as Pairofboots advised you MBG? Will you try - even if it's only a couple of calls a day - and then let us know they go?
Thinking of you, and sending a hug - look forward to hearing how you get on with the phone calls.
Thank you for your support. A few days ago my husband disappeared for a few hours, I drove around looking for him but couldn't find he. He eventually came home and went to pieces saying he went to get on a train to head to Eastbourne to end his life. I contacted the brain injury team and they had the neuropsychologist call, and he is going to start weekly session and asked the GP to increase his Mirtazapine dose. He asked about the two other meds he should be on to settle his restless legs syndrome, however the GP had never mentioned this so he has been battling through this anxiety inducing problem for 6 months needlessly. Each corner we turn we find another element which has been completely overlooked, which is adding to his depression and anxiety no end. Hopefully now we are back in the loop things may settle down...
Oh that's really awful that things got that bad MBG - so sorry to hear that happened to both of you (inadequate virtual hugs x)
I'm really very glad he's got the neuropsychologist now though, and that you are back in the loop / system - the Headway helpline and the local group can give you further support, and point out what avenues you can ask for. Keep ringing them - I'm sorry you didn't get the callbacks you were promised. Hopefully it was a one-off mistake. Was this the helpline or the branch?
Incidentally, does he get on ok with Mirtazapine? It's really important to find the right drug - and the right dosage level (GPs are not as good as neuropsychiatrists at drugs with brain injury). The aim is to start low and go slow with brain injury - but no-one will want to destabilise him of course.
My neuropsychiatrist said that that early tolerance of starting a drug is an indication of how easy it will be to come off it eventually - and this did prove to be true for me. (Just finished my antidepressant six weeks ago unscathed - despite some personal drama over the six weeks.)
Hope things will settle down a bit as you both get more support. Keep posting and let us know how you are.
Firstly, so sorry to hear of the assault. An appalling thing to happen.
The symptons and outcomes are entirely understandable and you both need support. Calmness and a lack of anxiety is what is needed, so rest is good. Perhaps explain to the children Daddy is feeling unwell? He is not himself?
I believe children should be talked to no differently to adults. They are intelligent and have a surprising depth of compassion and understanding and they too are protecting themselves by coming to you as they perceive that as ‘safety’.
Your husbands safe place is to lie down quietly and recompose. And yes that can take in some cases a couple of days.
So you are not alone here. There is a depth of understanding (which whilst it may in many cases by “non medical”), this should be your “safe haven” where you can come for compassion and understanding, or simply to rant if it all becomes too much.
We do talk to them a lot about it all and they are very understanding. However, quite often he loses his temper in front of them, he can punch things, flip tables, be screaming in my face. I generally let him play it out without saying anything until he calms down a little. But it's very hard to know how to navigate this without harming the children... It is still hard, but much better when he takes himself off to a quiet space.
We have had very little support, unfortunately, and I have had absolutely no guidance as to how to care for him. He was meant to go to a rehab clinic for at least a month following the severe brain injury, but the waiting list was long, so the hospital asked if I was happy to take over his care and he was discharged with a box of paracetamol! I am hoping we get lots of help on here from all you guys xx
Hi. I can't really add much more than Jen. Just to reinforce the need for the correct neuro input, neuro-psychiatrist is essential at getting him the right medication, talking therapy can help once his mental state has been stabilised, a neuro-psychologist is better than general services. There are therapies that general services "go to" that are of no value to people following a brain injury, so that is why I suggested neuro-psychologist.
Unfortunately there is no magic cure, even with the right medication and therapy, it is a long road, the fact that your husband was pre-desposed to anxiety and depression prior to the assault means he is starting from the back foot.
As Shreds says when he withdraws, it is to reduce stimuli and to "prevent acting out", so is protecting others from seeing him have a crisis.
I think Headway can help signpost you and the children to support. The children were witness to the assault, and will have their own trauma to process with the added trauma of their dads distress so they need the right support to process their emotions. At their age they understand fear, that is why they run to you for comfort. Explore what services they can get to explore what they are experiencing.
Children of their age appear to bounce back after traumatic events, but this is a bit of a misnomer, they haven't developed the skills to process the emotions. A trauma therapist specialist in children is best sorted. This doesn't take the form that we associate as therapy, they use play to allow the child to act out their emotions.
And Headway might suggest that you, yourself need time to explore your emotions around the trauma, if they don't, then I would suggest that you do.
You are a family unit, at the moment there are fractures, like a broken leg they need to be repaired.
I really hope that you can get the help you all need individually, and as a family. I know how difficult this is for all of you, what happens to one, has a ripple effect on all of you.
There are always people on here, so keep in touch.
Thank you for your response. We do talk to our children about everything, and the school safeguarding team keep a close eye on our eldest, as well as the preschool the younger two are in. However, I do think it would be really useful to have some family support, as well as one-to-one.
He was in referred to a consultant neuropsychologist by the brain injury team, but after one call a month for 2 months we have not had anymore contact with him. I think this may be partly due to my husband not being completely honest about what he is experiencing though, and he has now said that he will contact him and be more open.
5 weeks after the severe brain injury he was on the waiting list to be referred to a rehab clinic for at least a month as an in-patient. Unfortunately, the list was long and the hospital asked if I would be happy to continue care at home, he was discharged with a box of paracetamol and that was that! The support and treatment has been pretty non-existent so we are hoping for some help on here...
Hi, I'm sorry if you feel I have not been supportive, or the community isn't being supportive.
Have you had a carers assessment, this is where social services can offer you direct support with the challenges you are trying to cope with. I can feel the stress you are going through. An assessment should identify your needs, as well as the support you need as a family.
You have in effect, been dropped in the caring role, your husband has missed valuable rehab. None of this is your doing, it is a failure in the care services.
Victim Support, maybe able to help. victimsupport.org.uk , 24/7 helpline, 0808 1689 111.
Your children need more than the safeguarding team just keeping an eye on them. They need a safe place to pick apart what they witnessed, and the subsequent fall out following your husband coming home.
Contact the neuro rehab team, tell them that you, your husband, and family are in crisis, that none of you are coping. Your whole family need to be helped to rebuild the family.
The rehab team need to make an urgent referral for your husband to a neuro-psychiatrist, and back to the neuro-psychologist. The rehab team should take a holistic approach, inclusive of the family. Your husband can't see that his distress impacts, or the magnitude of the impact.
Contact Headway, headway.org.uk , 0808 800 2244, they can support you, your husband, and your children. They can help you with other services that you can access. They have day services that your husband can attend. If your husband does attend a service, it will give him support to talk to others going through what he is. It gives you breathing space, a day or days in the week that you can at least not worry about him for a time.
In my early recovery I was very resistant to any support. Between the help that the neuro-psychologist, the neuro-psychiatrist, and Headway I did regain a level of self. They got me out of crisis. Between them they balanced the chemicals in my brain, allowed me to talk, and gave me a safe haven to mess up.
I wasn't just resistant being a man, or because my brain, I was a RN (MH), and thought I could cope, I couldn't.
Your role has changed from loving wife and mother, you are still all that, but you have taken on carer, counselor, and much more. You are like a juggler trying to keep all the balls in the air, but every day another ball is added, and you don't know when the days will slow down.
Talk to your GP, they can often open doors to other services. Tell them what you are experiencing.
You can scream at me as often as you need, I will always respond. I won't promise to have all the answers. But I will always try to help as much as I can. You have one more ball to juggle, and that is to contact all the agency's and ask for help.
Wow first off I think you are amazing and the aftercare you are receiving is shocking. I can honestly say he does not mean to behave like this. I can be OK one minute then the next minute something can just set me off often caused by a misunderstanding. I don't know what to suggest if I'm honest. Couples counselling could be a good thing maybe.
Loving someone with BI is so hard. When the negative comes out it can be really nasty. I have just had to end my relationship because of it. We don’t have children together but both have our own and I’ve felt it’s become like fending off the verbal attacks so the kids don’t witness it. Keeping my mouth shut when it hurts me so it doesn’t escalate. I know he can control this side as he isn’t always like it, but when he is it hurts. I have also been doing some group work to recover from my previous abusive relationship and I realised the same patterns have started repeating. I excuse the behaviour because of the BI, but does that mean we as people need to suffer? He vows to change, he promises he wants to, but this is the new him and it’s not compatible with me because of my past. Can we ever actually expect change from a survivor, and is it fair to them to expect it, or are we better letting them go free to find their own new self?
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