Husband suffered severe brain injury

[ZP1980]

My husband was involved in a serious car crash in Sept 2018. He was put in an induced coma for 6 and a half weeks aswell as having numerous operations on the rest of his body. We were told at various times we may lose him. I tried to be at his bedside as much as I could which was sometimes hard due to young children. A year on my husband is living in a house with 24/7 care. He is due to have an operation on his leg which hopefully will enable him to walk again. After being told he had a diffuse axonal injury we were told all the big possibilities ie would never work,drive again ect. I visit my husband and put on a brave face but inside it's killing me. Someone else caused the accident and the hate is eating away at me, everytime I look at my husband I see the man in the coma. I feel like the day my husband left for work I never got the chance to say goodbye to him

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[TaIaV]

Dear ZP,

I am so sorry. What you and your dear husband and family are having to endure is tragic.

A full life that you had planned, or were simply living out, ended on that day, through no fault your own. There is no way to make sense of that. Despite the deep emotional impact of that loss, you clearly stepped up to the new reality with love and dedication and resourcefulness. This new life will require a whole new approach -- certainly in terms of logistics, finances and other pragmatic elements, but, as importantly, in terms of your identity, your relationship with your husband and your emotional and spiritual guideposts.

Although it has been a year since the accident, it seems like that time has been dominated by the major treatment of his injuries. Treatment and recovery will certainly continue, ,but probably in a less acute way. I read your post as perhaps a manifastation of the start of a new phase. You are going from "keeping it together through the crisis", to wondering how you will ever transition into some genuinely positive way of living for all your sakes.

Your statement that the hate is eating away at you is heartbreaking. I am sure that you are not choosing to hate, it is just the thing that is coming to the surface for you; perhaps as a way to channel the despair and grief away. I'll share three thoughts on things that may help. 1. Getting more explicit help with dealing with the grief could be a solution.

2 and 3. Some can get rid of hate and its toxic effect through learning how to reach forgiveness. I don't have experience with that. But I do know that it is sometimes better and easier to get rid of a negative emotion by replacing it with a positive one that nourishes you. You do not mention how the accident affected your husband's intellect, communication capabilities, emotional and psychological state. Whatever his condition, he is not the man in the coma any more. Your serenity and your joy together do not need to be defined by his recovery process or tied lock-step to that process. Focusing wholeheartedly on perceiving those new, very different opportunities for joy may crowd out the painful reliving of the blame and panic of the past.

I recently started reading a book that you may find helpful. I think it should be required reading for everyone who gives or receives care. Counting on Kindness: The Dilemmas of Dependency. It is a very wise and practical book that helps everyone involved understand the dynamics of giving and receiving care. Happily, it also makes clear suggestions on how to deal with the dilemmas described. I share this as one of the ways to find joy, by elevating an uninvited role into a new area of confidence and fulfillment.

amazon.com/Counting-Kindnes...

I don't know if any of this is helpful to you. You sound remarkable and i trust that you will overcome the current inner stressors and will discover positive new life-forces for the future.

All the best.

[JJobb]

Hi. Words usually may not provide all the comfort you need but its a start. The difficulties, anxiety and emotional trauma you are going through is great. But you need to remain strong for your kids, husband and family. My husband had an accident August 2018 too suffered anoxic brain injury. Also d reports say he has diffuse axonal brain injury as well. He is also at home and I am giving 24 hours care. He suffers from seizures repeatedly and he hasn't spoken a word since he went into coma. He can't move, or communicate in any way. We cannot tell if he recognizes us or not. He can't respond to simple commands like blink or move a finger. I also have a young son and d past year has been hell. I can imagine how difficult it is for you. Recently a friend asked me innocently if it wouldn't have been better if he was dead?. I didn't know what to make of that insensitive question. Do I wish my husband death? No way. I still hope and long for a miracle and till then I try to take it one day at a time. Just do so my friend. Live one day at a time. I do not know if you are religious but my faith in God has helped me pull through the dark nights. I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone in what you are going through.

[ZP1980]

I would like to thank you all for your kind messages. I'm finding this site really useful as when it's outsiders who haven't been through it they don't quite understand. You all sound like you have been or are going through a really tough time and I feel for you all. This site is great in the way people can reach out to eachother and also the way it keeps people going through the tough times by talking about positive things. Love to you all x

[WinB]

ZP, Keep talking never bottle it up. The OT's told my Family to mourn the person I once was. Cannot walk very far but depends on the human spirit and it sounds you have enough for you and hubby. I knew I was better after a shunt was fitted as I had Hydrocephalus and was away with the Fairies. Keep the Faith and my prayers go to you and family. Been there got the drill holes and scars to prove it . Gosh it is so good to be back, my Sisters sang to me and I remember none of it. Hubby has you talk about old days sing songs that he will remember and talk about old times. Keep the faith and I do so hope hubby will get there soon XXXX

[Kavib]

I really feel for you and it must be so difficult to see him this way.

My family went to therapy to help them make sense of everything and it also gave some hope. I would ask your doctor or hospital to refer you.

I really hope he comes out of this and praying for you too 🙏🏾 x

[ZP1980]

Thank you again. I probably sound so ungrateful as I used to go in the chapel at the hospital and just pray he'd pull through and that if he did I would do everything in my power to make our future good through thick and thin and he's done great and is doing great and yet I probably sound ungrateful when we are so lucky he's here still.

[CanisLupus]

12 July 2018 was our tragic day, my 20 year old daughter was involved in a car crash same not her fault - Coma nearly 3 weeks came out of the Hospitals/rehab in the October 2018, Diagnosed with diffuse axonal injury - Broke 9 Bones mainly pelvic. So Live every day as a day, don't think too far ahead things always change. You're never going to be 100% ready and its never going to be just the right time, but that's the point. It means that every moment is also the right moment, just do what you feel is right in that moment.

I have a lot of inspiration saying that I have read from time to time, that remind me how much I've/We've achieved from lying in that coma to being home.

Remember how far you've come, not just how far you have to go. You are not where you want to be, BUT neither are you where you used to be.

Hugs xx