Not so great this year

[paxo05]

Wrote this down yesterday but couldn't post it.

Well another year since my bi. 23 years down the line and for some reason instead of being thankful of surviving I could get my mind of the changes it has caused.

It was a total pessimistic day, which is not usually me. I'm not so much a glass half more a keep filling please.

This time there's no celebration, no being thankful of being alive. This time it was a struggle to smile. Its not been a great year so far ( mum died a few months back) but finding it hard to concentrate on the here and know. I thought I had said goodbye to the man I was but find myself searching for him inside of me.

Sorry this is a bit of a moaning post but it was a shock to me to.

God I hate this feeling. It is mot productive but so hard to shake. To make it worse I'm sat in the sun on a holiday I should have taken last year.

Not to worry abnormal service will be resumed shortly.

Pax

[cat3]

I won't bore you with psychoanalysis Pax except to say I think your mum's passing will have affected you in ways you mightn't have expected.

I suspect that, since her death, your mind may have wandered back to earlier days ; almost unavoidable at times of great loss. I've seen the most unsentimental people reminiscing about happier days, and for you that would include those days before your Bi, when everyday life wasn't so challenging.

It isn't about wallowing - more a case of the subconscious playing tricks by refusing to acknowledge the facts. I dreamed about my mum for months after she died suddenly from a heart attack ; always the same dream where she was still alive but I couldn't get to her.

Our complex brains seem to have a will of their own when dealing with mental trauma and can doggedly reject reality for many months. You'll get there Pax, but the bereavement process is often vague and hidden within other symptoms.

Negativity isn't weakness - just the psyche sorting itself out with the aim of finding positivity ! Take care my friend,,,,,

Cat Xx

[paxo05 in reply to cat3]

Thank you Cat,

I realise losing my mum has had a profound affect on me, it would do. I think it was the subconscious shock of the day not being what it normally is.

Has for dreaming ...I wish. I haven't had a dream for year. Not since CBT to take away the nightmares. OK I probably still dream but have no recollection or even feeling of a dream. I go to sleep then wake up.

Oh and please I think it best no psychoanalysising.......Wed better all day.

All the best and look after yourself,

Pax

[cat3 in reply to paxo05]

Yes, it's painful how reminders punch us in the gut when we're most off guard. But I'm glad to hear you've had a better day since.

My mum died before my Bi when my dreaming was quite vivid. Like you, I barely get snatches of dreams now (yes we probably have dreams but poor memory keeps them hidden). I really missed them at first ..........but the plus side is I no longer have nightmares !

Tale care Pax, and enjoy the rest of your holiday. Cat x

[saville75]

Oh Pax I think I can relate a little to what you're saying. My TBI was 14 years ago and although people around me are saying I should be moving on and be grateful I survived, I still look back. The person I was, the places, or should I say place in society. All lost. I very rarely look at the positive side of things to be honest and I'm constantly trying to find a new identity after what happened. Sorry you feel the way that you do. As you say it was a bad day and hopefully better times will return for you... X

[paxo05 in reply to saville75]

Hi ,

It was just a bad day like you said. I'm usually positive and have accepted who I am now.

Tomorrow is another day.

Pax

[DTBI]

Hi Pax, as challenging as it is, when I’m getting annoyed and frustrated that I’m having to put up permanently with my new structure, I try and remember that there are millions of people over the world that are in far worse circumstances than me. Whilst it doesn’t instantly make me feel better I try and focus on specific cases, at which point I ask myself would I like to swap my set up with theirs?

I appreciate this might not suit you, but it is worth a try👍🏻

[paxo05]

Hi DTBI,

I usually celebrate my surviving day but this time it caught me out. Its been a bad year so far.

You are right about knowing others are worse and I am looky to be in my situation.

I know I have problems but it could have been so much worse.

Pax

[Pairofboots]

Hi Pax, it is only natural to compare the before and where you are. You know this as much as any of us. People that say that you shouldn't, obviously haven't experienced a BI. Everyone has those sliding doors feeling, just with a BI there is a clear demarcation from making "what if" by choice, and the enforced "what if" we experience. We end up with the "I would", or "I should", and the once upon a time". If that one event hadn't happen. We don't have that embarrassing photo to tear up so we don't see it again. Our photo is only in our thoughts, and it isn't developed enough to see detail. I hope today is a better day and the sun is still shining. 🍀

[Hidden]

Not a moaning post at all Pax, better to let it out than keep it in and stew on it. It’s devastating to lose your mum and is bound to affect you emotionally and how you view life as it is now and how things were when your mum was here.

My daughter is nearly 4 years post TBI and we lost my mum (her nanny who she was very close to) 6 months before her TBI. Recently she’s been saying how much she misses her nanny and wishes she was here so she could talk to her about her brain injury as she would be a great and understanding person to talk to about it.

Like others on here, albeit from a carer’s point of view, I feel I am always trying to accept the here and now regarding my daughter’s TBI and have to try and not torture myself with how life could have been for her if the accident hadn’t happened. I can’t deal with other people talking about their daughters of a similar age, i.e. they are doing well at Uni and their future plans and dreams. I just have to change the conversation or leave the room, as it just highlights everything that she was on the verge of having but lost. Probably makes me appear rude but I am not really too bothered by that as it’s a coping mechanism.

Anyway, that was a bit of a self-indulgent moan there from myself (sorry)! I wish you brighter days ahead Pax and your comment made me laugh - abnormal service will be resumed shortly 😂😂