It's that time of year

[paxo05]

Having a bit of a rough time ( EVEN WITHOUT ESA . see previous post)

See its that time of year having just celebrated my birthday. Well everyone else has I just feel weird celebrating the life of someone who no longer is here. I put the usual face on but just feel like hiding away.

I usually go away for my birthday but this year with other family commitments I went away earlier.

So there I am grin like a fool whilst good meaning friends wish happy birthday to the person I no longer am.

Then to make it worse next week is the week I celebrate inside for its 19 years since I have lived as this new person.

I no friends will try and not remind me of it being the anniversary of my rta , I wish they would. I know I was lucky to survive but I have. Yes I have changed but I am here this IS me.

Personally I wish I could change my birthday to the day I had my accident. I can relate to that person

So for now I am in limbo. People have noticed I am down but seem to right it of to " getting old". I am tired of explaining every year to them. Luckily people closest to me understand and I see them fending off people insisting cheer up its your birthday.

On the aniversary of my accident friends think I am weird that I want to celebrate it so it will be just my close family thanking god I am here.

Sorry for the long moan but it does help to get it of my chest...even if no one reads it.

On the up.

Pax

[sealiphone]

Actually I think I understand, as we celebrate my first bleed, although it used to feel like a bit of a joke during one period.

However as we've done it since the first anniversary in Nov 2003 I presume it's set in stone now, certainly my daughter always ensures we go out for a celebratory meal. Recently I feel I've comes to some kind of peace with it but it still feels a bit false.

All this applies to birthdays as well.

The other thing is 6 November 20003, apparently a Thursday, I told my 7 year old daughter "We're going to celebrate my bleed tomorrow" as we walked in to town. Confusion then silence cogs twirling, then "I know we're celebrating you didn't end up in a box on a table", still makes me smile.

I do get annoyed when people say "At least you survived".

[cat3]

I hear you Pax and know how wearing the constant 'Role-play' feels. But I try (on better days) to relativize by comparing my life to that of a homeless person without proper food or shelter, rather than to the life I'd like to have had.

On bad days though, all my politically correct ideals fly out the window. You have my sincere commiserations ; hope sounding off has provided some relief m'love. xx

[paxo05 in reply to cat3]

I have to agree in the cold light of day I am lucky. Not about being alive ( that goes without saying) but by having a great partner and kids.

It's just the false celebrations at my birthday. I have thought of no longer marking the occasion but have been toldoing of the upset and confusion others would have.

So every year I unpack my birthday face for the day.

I think what highlights things is my birthday and anniversary of my bi are just over a week apart.

To answer your question yes I feel better after a little venting.

Pax x

[cat3]

I suppose I've tried to imagine how terrified my family were in the early days ; they do still remind me how lucky they feel in my having survived. Maybe birthdays just give them the excuse to make a fuss of us, and it's their celebration really, not ours.

Still, I do understand that problem of the birthday face and how wearing it is to keep it up, but I suppose it's just one day out of the 365 and I usually have an antidote lined up for the following day.

And the 11th Dec (day of SAH) passes each year without even registering ; it's not something I was aware of at the time and it was weeks before I understood what had happened. But I'm forever grateful to the chain of faceless people involved in getting me the help I needed and the surgeon who I had the good fortune to meet 3 months after discharge.

Good to know you have a loving & supportive family around you Pax. Take care. Cat x

[paxo05 in reply to cat3]

I get the reminders of how grateful my family are to have me still around. It seems other relatives and friends don't seem to get why I would sooner celebrate the anniversary of mI rta ( which is today).

I don't do big celebrations so try and keep my birthday low key.....To the point of forgetting it. I am no longer that person.

The real reason in celebrating my accident is to turn the negative into a positive.

Ok I'll admit today hasn't been easy but I am on the up again so will be back hopefully on here to annoy you all.

Pax x

[cat3 in reply to paxo05]

Tomorrow's only a couple of hours away now Pax, so prepare to annoy ! ...........look forward to it.......... xx

[Kavib]

I went through a period of time grieving the old me so I understand what you are going through but once you can accept the new You it can change your life for the better x

[paxo05]

I have accepted the new and maybe not improved me. My birthday is a reminder of who I am not.

I had decided to look on my accident date as a positive. Instead of looking at it has a day my life went wrong I look upon it as the day I survived and became this new me.

Like I have said I may not like some things about the new me but hey I am still here and instead of wasting time on what I can't change I use my energy enjoying what I can do.

I must admit this forum has been a lifeline at times and for that I thank you all.

Pax

[keeley24]

My birthday is only 10 days after day I had rta causing my BI I don’t really bother doing anything special on date I had rta tho I’m hoping the BI group I go to will plan some walks to work up to doing 3 Yorkshire peaks so mite see if they will do one on date I had my accident.

Can I ask what happened with your rta and do you remember it? I’m guessing not as I’ve not heard of anyone who remembers how they got BI.

[paxo05 in reply to keeley24]

Can't remember much about my rta. I can just about remember the car pulling across in front of me then nothing. That day is a blank along with most of the first year.

I have since pieced together that day from others accounts.

I was cycling home from work at approx 3pm and was approaching a junction on my left as a car was heading towards me and signalling to turn into the junction.

For an unknown reason he turned across in front of me ( later admitting he had seen me).

From the damage to the cat I must have hit the passenger front wing, door,roof then the rear of the car also being carried approx 50 meres or so before being dumped onto the road.

My bicycle was wrapped around me and luckily I had put on wet gear before setting off ( it had rained in the early hours on way to work so I had dressed the same for going home. Although it was a fine dry afternoon). This saved a lot of skin abrasions.

My cycle helmet had split into two and had been pierced by something.

I was in and out of conciousness before coming round in the early hours vomiting and causing a bit of a disturbance.

Then discharged myself ( although the signature is just a line).

I came away with no major breaks, only ribs. Weakness on my left side ( still have limited grip in left hand and numbness to left foot and leg.

Oh and the normal bi traits of anger, bad, memory,and other things.

So yes I got off reaaaallly light and know it could have been worse.

Hope that explains.

Pax x

[keeley24]

I’m also one who got off very lightly with next to no long lasting symtoms of BI. My balance was affected with me needing physio to get back walking which was by far worst thing. Now my balance not great but doesn’t effect my day to day life. Short term memory was effected I would forget to turn cooker off and lock doors. Now I’d say it’s ok I do still forget something’s but I think everyone with and without BI does at times. My left side was weaker and had to relearn to write as I am left handed that was easier than starting to learn with my right hand.

[paxo05]

My short term recall is bas along with left side weakness. I am short tempered but have learnt to deal with my anger.

I suffer depression along with persistant headaches. Plus varied other bi sympoms