I'm hitting another all time low. I bubbling time after time throughout everyday with petty anger. I feel like screaming. Punching kicking. I've hit a brick wall, knowing now my life is going nowhere. I'm a young woman burdened with the ball and chain of my Tbi. Fighting with my thoughts every single day, my heart takes a beating continuously day in day out. I'm so tired of fighting. All I read is how other sufferers who are 10/20 years on ect are still suffering.. That I have post natum depression to come to add to my daily dose, or alzimers whatever I know it's a hell of a lot more likely to come to me than the average joe. Why? Why is life always trying to push me over the edge? Why am I always fighting? What did I do? I wasn't even a teenager, how many wrongs could I have committed. I'm tired of my mind going blank. I'm tired of the humiliation. I'm tired of having no motivation, no energy. I'm tired of not being able to deal with my own life let alone try to help others. I'm tired of breaking down. I'm so angry. It's hard work not telling everyone to fu*k right off. I'm beginning to hate everyone. What a horrible life to live. So instead of telling me how great I'm doing ect ect, (which how would you have a clue) tell me why I get this life? Why me? There's horrible people out there with not a care, yet I get this sh*t.
Feeling something terrible. : I'm hitting another... - Headway
Feeling something terrible.
none of us deserve this,its about acceptance, its not easy we have to keep fighting, because if we dont, nobody is going to fight for us.
anger is a major problem for most of us, but you can learn coping mechanisms, i am still struggling but i assure you i am far better than i was, i have come a long way, and however bleak you think it looks, i assure you it can get better
going back to acceptance, once you can accept that this has happened then things will move on, but you do need help, i hope you are getting therapy still
i won't lie, it's not easy but you have to keep pushing for every type of therapy they are willing to offer, because there are lots of different types of therapy and whats works for one,may not work for another, i tried everything, however silly it sounded, and i picked up bits from here and there and created my own coping strategies, CBT was the most effective and i tell everyone to go for it, ask for a referral asap as waiting lists can be long
and as harsh as this sounds Demanding answers for the 'Why Me' question will get you more problems than answers as there is no answer to the why, and thats something each of us have to deal with in our own way.
I will not lie to someone and prefer to be honest about our issues, rather than sugar coat them with there there you will be fine, don't get me wrong we all need empathy and sympathy at times, but here you can expect REAL answers, however hard they may be to accept, and thats worth more than all the sympathy and empathy put together
how long has it been since your TBI?
how does it affect you?
do you have any specific questions we can help with?
if you have specific questions then we can offer our advice based on our experience, and some of it may not be suitable for you, but at the end of the day ot is you who has to decide what to do and take any actions needed to improve your life, you will have to go out of your comfort zone, you will have to fight harder and longer, but as much as we want to help, all we can do is offer advice and hope you find something in it you find you can act on.
My accident was 4 years ago. I've suffered with depression ever since, been on and off anti-depressants. It used to get a lot worse in the winter months but this summer it's hitting me hard. I'm terrified what the winter will bring if the summer is this bad.
I was beginning to think either my day to day issues were getting better or I was getting used to them and not noticing them. However recently I feel like ever time I loose track of what I'm saying or I wake with another headache, realise I've forgotten to take my pills for days it's like a dagger to the heart. I try to push myself everyday to accomplish something yet it's not picking me up. Sometimes I can't bare to listen to the rumblings of another as I'm getting to tense and my heart starts racing that I nod and walk away fast, locking myself in another room until I can breathe again.
The thoughts inside my head are terrible. Constantly negative, commenting on how sh*t everything is. Even when I sleep I have no escape. Horrific dreams of terrible men doing terrible things and nobody will help me. Some days I wonder who has had control of my brain that day.. Because I know it's not me. Maybe I'll wake tomorrow and think just that. I hope so.
I had neuro cbt in 2010 for a year and at the time I believed(and still do) that it played a big part in saving my life.
I've asked for more help, which I think took my solicitor by huge surprise as I'm one to refuse any. But it just happens that the other side want me to try psychological cbt, I jumped. Months ago I agreed. And still nothing. I emailed again tonight. Clear as day telling him I need help. And if its going to take too long shall I try going to my GP. I'm angry with him. Does he not understand how horrible it is to ask for that kind of help.
I don't know what I'm looking for in this site. I never know why I go on here. But still I do.
Sorry I can't answer your questions.
I feel the same way about my CBT, i don't know where i would be without it,
asking for help is hard as we have to overcome our own pride and stubbornness.
i had CBT for 4 years every week, and to this day i still don't understand how it works, i just know it helped me
one thing you can be sure of here, is that we all know what you are going through and are here to share and get help from each other
remembering my pills is a problem too, i am yet to find a way of reliaby remembering, my phone reminders dont work as most of my pills are in the evening and my bed time varies so i just cnacel and forget
i would like to say the anger goes away, but for me it doesnt, its just that people dont see it as often as i hide it better, but in a way thats my coping mechanism but i am a positive person now thanks to my CBT
so chacing it up is important i think, and the anger can be triggered by the pettyest things and the times i should get angry, then i am numb and dont
i hope you can find some help here, even if its just offloading after a bad day
I'm exactly the same, that's why I'd like to go back, I know I'll be a nervous reck going back but once I'm back in I know I'll benefit massively.
Thank you for your post.
I'm feeling very alone with my injury at the moment and think that's adding to my lows. It's morning and this morning I haven't cried. So far so good. However I can feel it all coming and it's horrid!
My solicitor mailed late last night telling me he would find out where we are with getting my therapy on the go, and ring today.
Thanks again. Sorry to winge. I know I'm being selfish I just can't see past it. X
Hi misswingit,
I'm so sorry to hear of the feelings you are experiencing. Are you receiving any support from your local Headway?
If you would like to talk things through and discuss what support may be available, you can contact our helpline on 0808 800 2244 or helpline@headway.org.uk. We're here for you so please don't hesitate to get in touch.
Best wishes,
Headway
I can fully understand your thoughts, feelings and fears. I'm knocking on the door of twenty years now since I gave the old bonce a bit of a hammering. There were hard times, dark times. Occasionally I still have them. 'Why me?' 'What if?' etc etc. I'm not going to patronise you and mentally ruffle your hair and tell you everything is going to be all right. Because it might not be and that's the simple truth.
I just woke up one morning and decided that it wasn't going to beat me, I'm stronger and better than that. The brain injury ceased to be the end of my life and became merely a part of it. I faced my demons, I went out alone, I put myself in situations that had terrified me. Slowly but surely I started to pull myself out of the tunnel. To this day I find myself at the entrance to that tunnel, firmly on the cusp of the darkness behind me and the light infront. Every time and I mean EVERY time the dark thoughts appear, that light, the future is always ahead of me.
I'm truly sorry if none of that makes any sense or upsets you in any way, it wasn't my intention
Ohh it totally makes sense! I think I'm on your back if that makes sense, always looking in the dark, then every now and then catching a glimps of the lights when you turn! I think I must have shaken my solicitor as I've had him on the phone today along with my case manager who are looking for local help for me. If I can get an appointment tomorrow I would jump! Thank you for your post, I need honesty rather than patronising comments that really only piss me off. Thanks again. X
No worries, pleased to 'help'. Trust me, people pissed me off for years. I soon learnt that I knew an awful lot of people but possibly only had two friends. They are still around and all of the others (including some family members) have long since vanished into that darkness. Well sod them, the light is still ahead.
It's you on my back is it? I thought I was getting awfully tired 
Seriously, if you EVER need a chat, feel free to pm me any time, I'm always around. You will get through this, I promise you.
Andy
I was there foe a long time, I had the added guilt of making my partner jobless and ultimately I caused the family to be homeless. Yes it was the accident that caused it but for years I could not get past the why me, why did I have to be the one that wrecked everything. It's a horrid cycle to break and hard too. Motivation was non existant, how can you know what you'd like to do when you can't plan a day ? It was frustrating and scary and I felt no one understood me.
I'm not sure when it happened but I kind of let go of all the stuff weighing me down. I stopped trying desperately to remember how it happened and the time after it had happened. It was almost as if I was using all my energy to fix the past!
I still get frustrated, angry, humiliated and at times I feel on the edge of that dark place. I know it's my brain and body telling me to take some time out. When I'm tired I'm a bitch, I snap and snarl, I say hurtful things I regret but I'm not able to stop it at the time. Thankfully it is happening less.
I try to take time to go for a walk and just concentrate on the trees and plants and birds I find it calming and I can appreciate something good in the world.
I hope I can give you a a bit of hope that it may get better or that you might find a way to enjoy some quiet moments in the future.
Having a legal case running didn't help me much either, I was constantly seeing a stream of doctors and having my abilities, or lack of them pushed to the fore. I was desperate to be better and kept trying to push very hard to prove I was not an idiot.
Sometime after the legal stuff was settled I stopped justifying my problems. I used to say to people, I was a responsible person with a good career before this happened.
I don't bother now! I am me warts and all.
What I think I'm trying to say is, I understand you.
Try to be kind to yourself.
I also have a legal case running and have blamed it for a lot of my problems, I also fear that when it finishes I will be hit like a ton of bricks, realising that I've used it to blame issues on, however it has been awfully cruel. Forcing me to focus on the weakest point, making me sit through painful and degrading tests. However I must be grateful for the help its provided me.
I hit one good high since the accident, I call it 'my ignorance stage' it was as if nothing had happened, even the current tragedy that was occurring didn't effect me. I took notice of no one and nothing. I was emotional numb, and I loved it. I want it back. Grrrrr.
I dislike the person my head injury had made me. This makes me so sad. I've been seeing a bloke on off for a year, it's been on off because every time we reach a lovely stage I freak out, turn on him, become cold, vicious, decide I have to be alone. That no one would actually love me. AHHHH I can't win! Can't believe he's still around! Putting up with me! Miracle!
Don't even know what I'm talking about now.. Thanks for your post! X
Can I add something, with my. Court case I was receiving private treatment for many years but once the case is settled you end up back in the NHS but the problem is coming from private to NHS treatment is that you end up at the beginning again and have to start all over again so if possible bet an NHS consultant now if you haven't already got one, as it will make the transition smoother
Add all you like!! I've opted to ask my solicitor to sort me some help because the process is quicker (meant to be) where as it can take up to 12 months to get seen with nhs down here, but if you still think I should then I will (do I go through GP?) and I don't want to be having treatment once my case settles mr!
If you'd told me a year ago I'd be driving again (can get to supermarket, Headway and GP's don't park in big car parks as I can't find the car or drive outside town - memory is dreadful) and I would have laughed at you. Life can improve although as the GP says I'm on a plateau now. I've managed to get 2 hours a week voluntary work. Financially we're in a mess. Sometimes you have to concentrate on little nice things, the butterflies on the Buddleia are incredible today. I think there will always be dark days when I've lashed up or upset someone. I found an improvement when the legal stuff was resolved and hope you do to. The anniversary is always a bad time for me...if only I'd not gone out that day. The people who have helped me most are other survivors. Hang in there.
Your situation sounds dreadful. I'm terribly sorry. I also find the anniversary a hard time. It's more the 3/2 week run up I struggle with more than the day itself. Your situation sounds totally shocking but give your self a pat on the back you totally out smarted me with words pal, not a clue what your talking about half the time there!
Hi like you I think why me if only I had done things differently that awful day I wouldn't be this person who I do not particularly like or understand(this is me not you). I'm very angry, fed up and feel like how can anybody possibly understand what we are going through. I have shouted at my partner 'I give you my head for day and see how you feel about it, then feel awful. I too have bad dreams. there is lie there is no respite from it. Winter too is worse for me and I feel bad enough now in the summer. I wish sometimes I wasn't here but I couldn't put my family through this, but my brain put me in some very dark, weird places sometimes, no rationality to it. I cry every day, anxious about going out, and now have started to have angry outbursts in public, at the public or my partner. This is stopping me wanting to go out. I'm sure my partner will leave me though he says he won't. I want to who I used to be, not the new me. Nobody tells you the long journey it will take, which I think makes it harder for us to accept what happened. I was told initially by a bloody surgeon not a neurologist that I would some 2 months to get back to work. I have never heard of somebody with. TBI recovering this quicker. ts s...! I too feel like telling to leave me alone. m fed up pretending or trying to control myself when Im raging and emotional inside. I thought I was the oly person who felt like this, but obviously not. I hope you do get some support soon and take care
Sem2011 I fear you are just like me. I am terrified I am loosing all control, although I don't think I had much before, I know I have a busy week coming and I'm terrified. Family are visiting and with my recent dip I know how close I am to the edge, people say 'you mustn't keep things bottled up..' But when I let them go they can't believe my behaviour. I repeat over again 'you don't need to talk, keep it inside' I know if its going to come out it has to be to the right person, that person being a psychologist. I spoke to my case manager yesterday and described in little detail how I'm feeling, she believes I'm having panick attacks, if she's right I've been having them for months.. Well over 6.. Now the tinest of things can trigger it. I'm fed up. Fed up of taking pills every day, of trying so hard every day when most people breeze through it. And like you sadly I've consided calling it quits but how can I be so selfish, I could turn this around but I won't. I mustn't. Cut the thought there.
Thank you for your post. Good luck. We both need lots! X
I hope your weekend went well with your family, and if it didn't Im not surprised, stress and busy week always triggers me off and like you my family cannot believe my behaviour. Like you Im starting to suffer with panic attacks, it's the stress of life and I find I am tryIng to behave normally in front of my parents and I know they won't understand . I have tried to explain why, but yesterday on their golden wedding anniversary, I make the effort put the smile on take the present round and then it goes wrong. My mum shakes her head and says 'I don't know what to say to you' and my dad gets angry for me saying mum you always say this, and told me he doesn't understand and I think he doesn't want to understand . he told me the professionals should help. I have helped my parents a great deal, my dad is terminally ill and I just want a cuddle and say its going to be ok. I know I cannot change them. I know now I have to do this on my own, They adding to my stress which makes me angry and my symptoms increase. so I totally u derstand how u r feeling. I am keeping away now. We need all the support we can get. I am told to start pills, does the just hide the problem, does it help. I do feel for you struggling through the day when other breeze through it is hard. people do not appreciate how lucky they are. I hope your solicitor sorts some thing for you soon. Take care and look after yourself x
My weekend is a week, and so far it's ok, I've been able to pull myself away from it to allow my head to settle, today my brain really taking the Micky out of me, it's like every time I go to type it's pulling the words from me putting them in a jar and shaking it, so I have to fish for the words all over again, to top it of my my mother knows I'm typing knows that I find it impossible but STILL continues to talk at my face! Now look hearts racing hands are shaking grrrrrr!
Every time I hit a big low I get the same patronising comments from my parents.. Are you taking your pills properly?.. Maybe you should think about going back to therapy?.. You really should let it get to you like this..
Some days I find it impossible to even pull a polite smile to them, it's horrible, I really am rather horrible, nasty sarcastic comments sharp tongue. And I know there's no need but somedays my heads finding it hard enough without someone trying to make me concentrate and focus to your pointless rambling. Not being able to say my point in a normal conversation without stopping god knows how many times with 'umms' or mixing words together. Having to repeat myself 3 times because it wasn't hard enough the first!
As you said the stress of life is just to much sometimes.
What pills do they want you to take? I take 200mg of tegretol twice a day (meant to be 3x a day but never remember) and 50mg of topiramate twice daily, both are drugs for epilepsy however I don't have it, I take tegretol for a mood stabiliser and topiramate for my headaches.
I have taken different antidepressants but signed myself off them once I felt I didn't need them (the clever dick I am!) I hate my pills but I know I need them, every now and then I forget how bad I am without them and do a little trial, stop taking them all and then feel myself fall. Then to retrain myself back into a routine of taking them! All very frustrating and depressing.
I really feel on my own with my injury. And it's a very dark and lonely place to be, I really sympathise with you. It sounds like we are very similar in such an unfortunate way. Have a 'controlled ' week, and keep breathing x
The trouble with doing the unthinkable is the mess left behind, someone has to deal with it. Its not fair on the partner and kids. There is also the risk that you could survive but more damaged/disabled.....a fate worse than death.
On a brighter note I saw another survivor today, much further down the line than me, last saw them 2 years ago. Life has settled down. They have no legal stuff outstanding, Atos are finally off their back as they have been coded as permanently unfit for work. They've even been on a couple of holidays with their partner. Without all the stress and uncertainty they seem much better in themselves.
I don't think that any of us realises how much the stress worsens our condition. Beating yourself up is another pointless exercise.
All above I have thought over, hence I'm still fighting. I know some days are brighter, it's finding the fight to wait out till they get there.
It's finding how to deal with stress when everything Triggers it, glad to hear you friend is making progress.
yes I think we are, don't blame yourself for your outbursts, I have been told my outbursts are due to anxiety and when you receive patronising comments from parents or they are visiting its is more likely to make you stress, then angry outburst. I have a just started seeing a neursychologist and she is writing a letter to d my to ask for so e sort of anti depressants, apparently I cannot start CBT because I am too depressed and unstable. My parents too are driving me mad, saying leave it to professionals, and cannot believe my behaviour. We had a row on Sunday and they hav not spoke to me since. Take care and any time you want to chat I will reply xx
I had a neuropsychologist in 2010 for a year, have no idea what she did with me but she saved me, I loved her! I found if you get the right one hell you can do some good work. I know it was her job and she was getting paid a shed load each session but I felt like she really want me to get better, and this made the world of difference. Good luck I hope you get a gooden! P.s anti depressants really did help me last time, where I went wrong was being a clever dick and stopping taking them as soon as I felt better, never built my base if that makes sense!
My parents and family drive me up the wall, but without them I would be in a very lonely place, the have so much patients with me, providing me with a home and a workplace I can (try) not to over stress myself in. I have to (need)to remind myself of this daily. It's far to easy for me to look at how god damn irritating they all are!!
Thank you for your posts, it has been lovely to find someone who I really do think is in the same boat. Good luck xxx
Thanks for info. I have only seen my neuropsychologist twice, but she says she can help, but it is not a quick, so I start my marathon , Im not sure about 'pilling' myself up, so I feel I am my own world, and just masking the problem. She is coming on Monday.
Hope your week has not been too stressful and all gone well with you family.. They sound supportive and good, but I know how easily it is to feel your being watched, judged, supervised, and in my mind sometimes cannot take this and just needs a little comment to over full the bottle, and then there are problems, but we can't help it we have a brain injury, our brains are controlling us my neuropsychologist until we can try and manage our symptoms. I thin k many people would do the same as you, stop the tablets when they working and we think we do not need them further
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