Well as I sit waiting to return home its the 24h anniversary of my tbi.
To add to the mix the first week we were here was my actual birthday. I don't really celebrate being that person anymore. This year being away with my wife , eldest daughter, her husband and three kids was strange. Her eldest birthday is the day before mine so a big thing was made of it.
This carried o with my own ,although I felt very subdued.
Then we come to today, I feel rather flat which is unusual as I celebrate this more than my birthday. I can't wait to be home and back to my uni normality.
Moan over hope everyone is fine
Pax
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paxo05
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It's a peculiar world which many of us inhabit, with back-to-front, upside-down emotions. Since my Bi I can be untouched by events which others find devastating and which would've floored the old me. Same with 'fun'. I used to be at the centre of activities ; now I often fake enthusiasm just to fit in.
Yet a poorly bee (for example) can keep me engaged for hours with efforts to revive it with honey or sugar water, hoping to see it fly off with ease. And I get great satisfaction from planting stuff and watching it grow. Maybe just prefer my own company nowadays ?
We function ok and perform everyday tasks, but it's like our wiring has gone askew when it comes to interacting & socialising, even with those closest to us. I felt very alone 'til I joined Headway and started finding stories like yours Pax. And now I can commiserate with you & others in the knowledge that it's no longer just about me ! 😏
Hope you're soon back in your comfort zone m'love... Cat x
Definitely feel wired different theses days. I know I'm lucky that my immediate family understand to degree how I now feel and react to things.
I think I now go away for my birthday to get away from all the good well wishes. This year I didn't to be away still for the anniversary of my accident. Never realised it would have such affect on me.
I never was the centre of attention prior my bi , but I did join in more than I do since my bi.
I am careful about being alone in my own company to long as although I sometimes feel better alone I can become too shut off from others.
Oh yes .....completely different wiring. If the 'old' me could've seen ahead to who she would become she would've freaked out. It's true about shutting off from others. I have become more of a loner and it can feel isolating at times. But I guess you can't pick & choose whether or not you're in the mood for company, and I do seem to need plenty of space. My close family 'get' it though and we see one another regularly & talk by phone most nights.
I do have a special friend who comes to see me everyday though. He has ginger hair, pointy ears and a big bushy tail. All he expects are sausages and dog biscuits and a safe place to doze in the sun. 🦊
We do have squirrels too and I have to protect my potted plants with stones to prevent them ransacking the pots for the bulbs or to bury their nuts. And they shake the bird feeders so they can eat the food which falls to the ground ; ingenious little devils and so cute. One comes in through the kitchen window for treats on the window sill.
Your grandson will be about the right age for feral behaviour ; just the start of experimenting with all kinds of mischief !
I coloured my mousy hair ginger for most of my life so when the nurse brought my newborn, ginger haired son into the ward announcing "We all know who this one belongs to !" it really tickled me. Sadly his hair turned dark later on.
You 'Moan Away' paxo, if it makes you Feel Better. Yes, these anniversaries ARE very Strange Indeed. I have the Tenth Anniversary, of My Kidney Transplant, very soon- in July. Yes Ten Years without Dialysis, all because, a Kind Man allowed his Kidneys to be used. (I do 'know', the girl, who got the other one).
Such strange things are birthdays and then add in any other anniversary into the mix, I think we sometimes put so much expectation on the date itself and ourselves and how we want to feel. And especially if you’re away on a family holiday too. That’s a lot to live up too especially as those around you are expecting you to be happy and jolly. Sometimes we just have off days. I also think as we get older, that is a challenge as we think of what is behind us and what is left ahead of us despite all that we have and achieve in life.
Basically Paxo be kind to yourself ☺️ and know you can vent here which you do - and that your kind words that you share with others here really do help (speaking from experience!). We celebrate you!
Yes, we have a common experience. I couldn’t be bothered this year either. With our relationship on the rocks, I didn’t expect wifey to make any sort of fuss and she didn’t. The health crisis introduced two extra dates to celebrate and I mark the first - the date of my two deaths and rebirth - with gifts to the paramedics and Resus medics to whom they delivered me. I think it is important to say thank you and I get pleasure from choosing and sending the gifts. I also buy the critical care nurses at St Thomas’ Hospital chocolates every Valentines Day to say thank you for their loving care and putting up with the rubbish I was spouting when delirious. I convinced one of them I was “some kind of secret agent”! 😄. In previous years I have taken wifey out to lunch on the anniversary of rebirth. It also falls near my personal patron saint’s feast day - St Michael - so I can honour him too.
Haven't bothered with my own birthday for years either, I think what sealed that was the ex-wife went to Boodles and got me the Rolex I'd had my eye on for a bit, 2 months before getting shut of me from our home, business and marriage Christmas '98. The watch gave up working again sometime ago so it's in a box somewhere - Rolex services are ridiculously expensive!
Anyway, all these years further on I've developed a friendship with a lady who attends our Headway group, though she has ABI rather than TBI. She called me yesterday to ask if I'll take her to see her father 30 miles away on Friday for her birthday. I have all sorts of misgivings because I do not want a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, just friends, but I agreed because I like the idea of friendship.
Anyway, in our 50s we are far too old to do romance
Enjoy the friendships as they come along. That goes for relationships as well.
Me and my wife split due to the changes in me after my bi. It did me a favour as I stopped trying to be the old me and move on to accept the new me.
The lucky thing that really happened is we fell back in love with each other. We had to be sure that she wasn't trying to change ne back to who was before and I wasn't just dependant on her care.
Basically be honest with this new friend. If it developes then let it. You never know how life will pan out.
like the queen I have 2 birthdays1 was born 2 the old me died, the new me began a long struggle to evolve, bit of polish, jetisum the bad bits & honethe better ones?! Be 23 this September!! Nicer than admit my body is 57!! Many changes but prefer this character to the old one!! Just need to accept the changes & rise to the future!! Seems u the same? Good luck
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