Finding it hard to cope with my friends traumatic brain injury moods.

[guitarlady]

Hi all,

My friend collapsed into the road outside his flat in April 2019 and it caused a traumatic brain injury. After 2 weeks in ICU and 2 weeks in hospital he came back to his flat. He is 70 now and it has changed him a lot in ways I can understand from what I've learnt on this site. Moodwise and personality has changed which is quite sad for us both.

When he gets tired, which is after doing any job like a bit of cleaning or anything which makes him tired, when I mention something else which I'm going to do, he gets very snappy and nasty verbally at me and thinks everything I say about things means he has to do them, when it doesn't.

It does seems to be getting worse. He's spoken to his doctor who firstly increased his anti-depressant dosage slightly and anothe doctor who put him in contact with a counselling place. They contacted my friend months ago, took his details down then said they have a long waiting list and haven't been in contact since.

He's never had anyone speak to him about how he feels and copes with things after his injury which I feel is very sad. I'm his only friend, his he no family, and I've sorted out everything for him. He has a carer come twice a week for 2hrs to keep his flat clean and take him to the shops which is good. I got him attendance allowance to help pay for it or anything else he thinks would be helpful.

Our nearest Headway is about 24 miles away so was hard to get to for him to go to a support group as he found it hard to go on public transport.

He's said he just misses being able to do what he used to be able to do and I think he's stuck in this and getting tired which makes him snap at me. I've asked him why he does it as it upsets me a lot and he's said he doesn't know. We've had a social worker briefly and he's been told by his doctor and nurse that he needs to get more independant but he's just let me find things for him to do. I even found a nice care centre for a few hours once a week which he really liked but that's closed at the moment due to Covid.

I don't want to just up and walk away as I couldn't do that to him. I'm on my own too and I know what it's like to have no one to help when you need it having had 2 bouts of depression a few years ago. I do have some days to myself which does help but wondered if anyone else has any ideas which my friend could try and me also.

He comes out in the afternoons to a park with me and my dogs so he does have some exercise. I just feel like the only way he's going to get any help is when he gets really worse.

Thanks you, Brenda.

[Pairofboots]

I can't say where to get help. You know that he gets snappy when he gets tired, it's not nice, and he possibly doesn't like it. All I can suggest is that you reframe how you receive him when he snaps, you can choose to own it, and take on the emotional impact on you, or you can think of it as nothing personal, it is just him when he gets tired. Just by moving the emotions it evokes in you, will make it easier for you to manage, and might actually change how your friend eventually acts towards you.

I wish you both well

[guitarlady in reply to Pairofboots]

Thanks for your reply. Yes your suggestions sound exactly what I'm trying to do. I think sometimes I can ignore it and think he doesn't mean it but other times it just hits a sore point and I snap back at him I'm going to have some time apart to my stuff but if he wants to come out to the park that's o.k. He's put on a lot of weight so has said he'll walk home which only takes around 30 mins so that could do him good.

[Pairofboots in reply to guitarlady]

When he hits the sore points, is when he transfers his frustration/anger for you to hold. It is a difficult phenomena to manage, but recognising what is happening is half the battle. The other half is learning to control your own emotions. Lessons like this you only learn with experience.

You can research this on the web, transference and counter-transferrence, other areas to look at is projection.

We often react without really understanding why, often it is nothing that is personal, it is not our emotion, but the other person's. These phenomena are only really explored if you were to work in mental health services, but to a degree everyone is effected by these.

I hope I haven't made it sound complicated or a bit hippy/psychological gobbaldegook, it is an area pre BI I work with for many years.

[guitarlady in reply to Pairofboots]

Oh thanks you, it sounds very interesting. I've never learnt so much since his injury. Am just sad sometimes that I've lost some of the person he was and that I find it so hard when I get upset when he says things to me. It's a bit difficult as I'm getting stress from outside this situation too which dowsn't really help. I try to feel better then along comes something from other people and off I go again.

[Pairofboots in reply to guitarlady]

It is very different being a carer of a friend. When you do it as a job it is easier to recognise when you get pulled into someone else's emotions, and you can debrief and leave it.

When it is personal, you lack the support of others and you can internalise all the stressors. If you have other stresses from others it can build into one big mess that effects your own health, especially at the current time where it is difficult to socialise, and pursue leisure activities.

You have to look after yourself firstly, and be selective in how much of yourself you give to others. Easy for me to say, probably harder to do?

Obviously you can share some of your worry and stress here, but you might need to suggest to your friends other sources of support. With regards to your friend that has the head injury you can contact Headway, there is a link on this page, they have a wealth of experience and can suggest support that is local to you. Also if you feel your friends injury has made him vulnerable, then the local authority/ council/social services have a duty of care for him.

Don't stretch yourself to thinly, learn your limits, and it's not nice, but sometimes you have to say no for your own health.

Keep in touch, and let us know how things are for you and your friend.

[guitarlady in reply to Pairofboots]

Thanks for your lovely reply. I do decide to have mornings to myself and then my friend helps me with a few jobs around the house and our joint motorhome so my free time goes and then the arguements start. Like being an old married couple! I've read that a lot of people who get a brain injury can push people away with their changes of personality and as time goes on I can understand why.

I did have a lady call round to me awhile ago from Alliance Care re some counselling for me but it was early days and I thought I could cope with things I was sorting out for my friend, so perhaps I might look into that again. We had social services involved when I ask them if they could do a financial assessment to my friend incase he got worse and needed to access extra care but they decided he was o.k. and at the time we got some extra care through a private company who come for 2hrs twice a week and he's happy with what they do.

But I've always been a tryer but realise I have to say no sometimes and make time for myself which I do enjoy. I really don't want to get nasty to my friend as I've had people be nasty to me when I've had depression and I never want to get like them. My friend is going to do some jobs around the motorhome this week which is nice to know and did go for a hours walk on Friday morning so I'm hoping he'll keep that up.

I will post any future updates. Hope you keep well and safe.

Best wishes, Brenda

[Pairofboots in reply to guitarlady]

Thank you Brenda for your reply, it sounds like you both might be like the proverbial married couple, but in a way even with the added stress, you are good for eachother.

Reach out for the support, keep well, keep safe, you are doing your best, and giving your best.

Look after yourself

Ian x

[cat3]

Sadly, emotional lability and the loss of filter are all too common after brain injury and it's the ones who care the most who take the brunt of the irritability. I often find myself suppressing some pretty vicious outbursts because I know it's my problem when I'm chatting happily with someone one minute, then suddenly infuriated by their presence.

But it took years to realize that I needed to exercise some control in order to keep the few friends who've stayed around. I suggest you keep your (understandable) recriminations to yourself when your friend is hostile, and calmly announce that you're leaving and will return when your he's more amenable.

It may seem patronising but re-learning empathy needs re-training, almost as in childhood, and the rewarding of good behaviour and ignoring of the bad is often the easiest and the least upsetting. It's sad the way we lash out at those we actually need and want around, especially when they're so caring and helpful as yourself m'dear. Regards, Cat x

[guitarlady in reply to cat3]

Hi Cat, thank you for your lovely reply. Well I've had this morning to myself as a way of distancing and am going to have morning to myself. Have also told him that there are some things he can do for himself too and if he doesn't well they won't get done and we have a motorhome, I know we can't go anywhere, but he hasn't shown the slightest interest in even doing small amounts of cleaning or other things on it which need doing. I do try like getting home to go out for walks to help him lose some weight but it's just ignored. But this morning, as I wasn't around, he said he went for a hours walk so you never know. It does seem to be getting harder though as some days he seems like he doesn't know what's going on. It's a horrible thing isn't it? Thank you again, Brenda

[cat3 in reply to guitarlady]

It is Brenda, mainly because it destroys folk's previously benign personalities and 'implants' what appear to be deviant replacements. And the fallout can feel so cruel for good people on the receiving end. Nobody's fault ; just really rotten luck.

Looks like you're a loyal friend m'love but, hopefully, starting to look out for your own welfare too ! Take care - stay safe and keep in touch.. x

[Shreds]

Hi GL

My (non medical) thr’pence...

I would suggest that exercise can definitely assist in calming his frustrations.

This is almost a side issue to fatigue, in fact tiring out the body physically and getting it in line with mental fatigue can assist in shedding the general malaise/fatigue physically. It also can calm stress and anger. Good for weight issues too.

Work on him setting small targets then gradually increasing them slightly as the weeks go by. To avoid anger issues though, maybe get him to do the planning and target setting after you have ‘planted’ the idea. “Do you think we could walk to the bridge? Shall we go to the cafe (when it reopens” etc). The motivation must come from him otherwise it will be ‘your’ walk not his.

Yes a short sleep will be good afterwards but with both head and body aligned it may be beneficial.

Dont worry about the lack of OCD, clearing and cleaning things up may seem irrelevant following his trauma. Leave that be. He will have so many other things he wants to get done that are important to him. Effectively a NDE makes one realise how we live on a knife edge and short life can be.

That can be difficult to come to terms with and may be one of the reasons for the frustration and irritability?

Keep calm, keep smiling, he is lucky to have you assisting. 😀

[New_beginning]

The advice shared from pairofboots and Cat3 is same advice me and my husband was given from brain injury team to help with reducing / avoiding confrontation.

They have explained very well, and nice to have refresher as our home visits was meant to start in January but with lockdown been postponed and no visits and poor contact.

All the best x

[guitarlady in reply to New_beginning]

Thank you. I'll certainly be trying to put it into practice. Take care. xx

[New_beginning]

Its another level of emotions being a carer, and I never thought we would be in this position at our age 38 and 42 living and adjusting with TBI and learning new skills to keep us afloat. Its hard and emotions do have physical impact on carers. Stay strong, stay focussed and keep motivated on your goals. I think the goals on achieving has become our norm and to keep us both going, mind were only nearing 11mths 😬 x

[guitarlady in reply to New_beginning]

Hi, thank you for your reply. Yes it's very hard at times isn't. But this site is brilliant for when it gets a bit too much and there are some lovely people who know what we're going through and give some helpful replies and sometimes it's so nice to just know you're not on your own. Take care and stay safe and let us know how you're getting on with things. xx😀