Limbo

[ObiWanKeslowly]

My last post was discarded when i opened the camera app and the page restrarted... Opa, try again.

6 years ago i made a TBI and stroke. With great effort and determination, and a few words had, unbeknownst to me, i was out of rehab in 3 months.

Out of the frying pan, into the fire, as goes the proverbial. Back with my friends, I felt as if I was a hazard with legs. I just wanted to be cool and one of the gang again so i started smoking fags and weed sometimes. This just made me even more of a danger and a responsibility to them, and being oh so english and polite, none of them gave it to me straight.

After a while of breaking my back worrying about being around people and trying to make friends, i gave up. One of the highly affected zones of my mental capacity was relation with people. I didnt know how to cough up anything i wanted to say, and i spent all my energy worrying about what others think about what i do or say, so i was never relaxed!

I spent a long time at home, in my room, as a recluse. I still had to see the others i lived with, but not without gritting my teeth and furrowing my brow. I adopted some antisocial habits, such as masturbating as a means to withdraw from everyone (sort of like a statement that i dont need or want anybody, i think), and foul moods in which i was unapproachable (my response to the closed wall which was everybody, especially family).

This went on for a long time, trapped in my small mind. Mind you, it wasn't all bad. I am a lot of fun for myself, by myself! But i still felt this gaping chasm that was other people in my heart and in my life. So, i set off to different places around the world, looking for honest, sympathetic people, but to no avail!

Its not that i didnt find such people, but that i was too closed in my little box of a head to be aware of anybody else, and i felt all the time like there was this subtle, fundamental piece of the puzzle that i was missing, and even the miserable folk had it and could relate to other people. I was (still am, a little) like the kid who, left out of an adult conversation, desperately wanted to be included.

In both my eyes there is a large blind spot to the side. In my relating to people, as a group, there is a large blind spot to the side. In independent action, planning and impetus to make any move, there is a large blind spot to the side.

Last year i was living abroad but still struggling with little me and his problems. So i set off to india and met with my father to attend some talks of a renowned teacher and have a nice holiday. My plan from the start was, after my dad got his return flight, i would be free and alone and independent in the miraculous land of the heart, India.... Six months on my visa, stupid amounts of money for india (thank you, taxpayers), and a brain that cant see further behind or beyond than yesterday and tomorrow. And i trusted that if my money or communications were to be lost, i was in goOd hands. Freedom.

Dun dun dun! Corona f*cking virus!! My parents, as usual, are fretting about their little slow child who is planning to stay abroad amid the time of CRISIS! I knew i would be just fine if i stayed, such was my trust, but a little unsure of how i would be if i were to return, such was my distrust.

My plans were undettered, although i heard that a lot of family would join us to outlast the quarantine. That is, until i watched Will Smith's Seven Pounds on the hotel TV. This inspired me to think deeply on selfish or selfless action. I reasoned that my family needed me, even if I didn't need them. So i just about managed to nab a ticket, from the last few days before india's quarantine, back home.

I have run a bit astray, so I will endeavour to be more concise from here on.

Back with family now, there is quite the little tribe of us clanging our pots and pans together. This was a very special time, to be with family while they are unburdened of work and together in such numbers for such a span of days. Other than that it was a bit gruelling to come back home to everyone and everything that i am used to...

The first quarantine had ended, and I had just been meeting up with a few of my old friends. This was very nice because immediately i felt the benefit to my confidence of letting go of the scorn of them, and what's more, i even remained quite confident with strangers and in groups, whereas before i would sink into the oblivion of my social blindness in response to these situations. Calm, even if i said or did something unprotocol!

What a freedom! That box is ticked! Hello, world outside!....

Not so fast, sonny-jim. I am still now struggling with initiation, although i have had a few bright ideas to enter the world again. I feel that i need it to be some distance from family and the haunting of the strings that i fear that they can pull. And this covid business is taking a dump right on my availability for change!

All i want is to be over this period, so that i can get on with it and share my love with the world that i have been accumulating in the store house. But i have the feeling that i cant, or dont want to, do this while i still have any ties to family, for they all know me as the small-me, and fit me into this box. And still they intrude on me with their unwelcome, impure curiosity. My therapist was advising me to allow the flow of the energy of F*CK OFF!!! Haha.

But maybe this being closed to family might be a hurdle i must vault, to make my way outside to my very own life. The kind-of-plan or secret wish of mine is to bust out, go through a bunch of stuff alone, without them, then return many years later to let my family really see me. This sounds like a fairy tale. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that everyone knew all along, and they're just egging me on 'til i do it.... Or maybe they're trying to crack me open here, and then they will let me out of the spider's web.

I don't know, I don't care. I just feel like i should be gliding on my own wings now, and some tendency to stagnate, or perhaps a witch's curse, is tying me down, still. But for now i will just try and enjoy my time, wherever i am or am not, and remain as authentic as the mountain inside, even if i can't express it through all the snow!

Thank you so much for reading my nonsense. I welcome any feedback, and if you are another one who is stuck in some strange limbo, or you have anything to say, i would love to hear from you.

From a storehouse of love,

C

[Fificakes2]

Can ask if your post was written under the influence of something? It’s very far stretches to strange things.

It does feel like being in limbo right now though, my parents are trying to protect me and putting out rules which I don’t get and I just carry on and I can’t wait for it all to get back to normal.

I think life is very boring and lonely with lockdown. It’s everyone saying to be careful and I’m not even sure what the risk is and it really makes my head hurt.

[ObiWanKeslowly in reply to Fificakes2]

No, I wrote it as sober as a stone. Why do you ask?

Good luck to you fifi, I hope you find good company, in person or online. Or best of all, by yourself.

[Fificakes2 in reply to ObiWanKeslowly]

Thank you obiwan

Then you have an amazing imagination and you should write.

Good luck to you and it’s easy to forget what you writing about in this.

So you’ve lived alone before?

I was like that and with support workers I’m living independently in a bungalow. I had a big accident ten years ago and rehab and then they said that they just wanted to visit and it’s best that I live independently, but now this virus is out there they want me to come back and stay with them.

I hope it goes well for you 😀

[plc38 in reply to ObiWanKeslowly]

I live on my own but I have trouble accessing support. My care is being handled by a case management agency and there is no regular support worker and support comes from agencies which is expensive. All the best ObiWanKeslowly

[No1wthayla]

Hi, ObiWanKeslowly. Love your name.

Like you, I get wordy and have interrupted thoughts that pervade my writing. I have a degree in English and just can't seem to write short things very well. I really have to edit emails at work so folks don't drown in my words. Anyway ...

I like to be alone but mostly from my to depression and anxiety. My daughter (27 years old) is currently not working. She has lived with me since she was born so it is getting a little old. I was hoping to be living alone by now. I would be able to eat what I want, when I want. Not have her "conveniently" wake up as I'm cooking food. I had also hoped that she would do more housework because she isn't working. Nope. She just sleeps all day and smokes marijuana. She borrows money from her friends for this. I know she is applying for jobs but she really needs to work harder.

I have had surgery on my skull to fix a bone defect. The craniotomy was fairly easy they said. I need the other side done too but can't do it yet. Since my surgery, I feel the repair has pushed my brain up and to the left. They fixed a hole right above my hearing center where my brain and dura were pushing through on my hearing bone. That was causing my major loss of sound and horrible balance problems. I think the patch went in and shifted my brain over to the left and now that side is getting worse in regards to hearing and balance. And when it shifted the free space my brain was getting was suddenly decreased. This pushed parts of that lobe together and it is still trying to adapt to that. So when I speak, I can't always find the right words and sometimes I can't keep track of the conversation either. And talking on the phone...really hard to concentrate and I get confused.

My sisters don't talk to me. They have pretty much threw me aside over money in our uncle's estate. It wasn't much but they didn't really help him and our grandma during the last 5 years of their life. Anyway, I don't want to talk to them either. I just want to be alone and have time where I can think and be free to do what I do.

I know this isn't the same as your situation but I know how you feel about needing to lead your own life. I went to college to get away from the small town I lived in. Just 200 people in town and the city I went to had over 150,000 people. I currently work in a city with just under 100,000 and I've been here for 25 years now.

I preferred to be alone when I was a kid. My younger sister and I could play together but my older sister and I didn't really even talk to each other. I threw my husband out in 2015 and have been without him since. No one I wanted to date though I have had a few offers. I just don't care.

You must think of yourself and do what you think is right. If you think being away from family is good, then make it happen. They can discourage you all they want but you are your own person. And unless you are under 18 or have a medical reason that makes them your legal guardians, you don't have to do what they say. Fight for independence and live your own life. Be prepared to defend that life when family wants to drag you back to your old life. Be as "authentic as the mountain inside". Love you for who you are and do what is best for you, not them.

Prayers, love and hugs, ObiWanKeslowly. May the Force be with you!

[ObiWanKeslowly in reply to No1wthayla]

thank you for listening, and thanks for your inspiring response.

i hope you have the easy patience to watch as your daughter matures, and that it comes soon that you get your you time..... i know more than many how important it is.

Love, hugs, thanks, prayers, and more love for you. May the force be with you!