Mom no more

[Sodes]

As I sit to write this I'm not even sure what to write. It's been three months since my mother passed away and I'm not sure what's going on with me. I think I am trying to be a support centre for my dad and my sister and not show them that I am also going through the same things as they are. But when I'm alone I suddenly burst into tears remembering her. However most of the times I am okay, working/cracking jokes with friends/moving around like nothing happened. And these are times that it hits me the most! What am I doing? My mother my everything is not there anymore and I'm here having the fun of my life! How can I do that! She was struggling for most of the last year and probably I had accepted that this would happen and it was only a question of when will it happen. Is that why I am calm most of the times? But I don't want to! I also regret not spending enough time with her when she was on bed because I couldn't see her suffering and often would slip away from house for long hours. I am clueless as to what's happening! I feel like **** for whatever happened to her and I don't know but I blame myself for that.

[cat3]

Firstly Sodes, please accept my condolences for your loss.

The death of a mum is an enormous milestone in any circumstances, but you've been waiting and hoping for months for happier news and I can only imagine the turmoil you and your family must be going through.

There are no right or wrong emotions at such a time ; we are who we are and a whole bunch of thoughts and feelings will be bombarding your brain right now. And believe me, guilt is always top of the list where mums are concerned.

My mum had been phoning me minutes before she died, knowing she was having a heart attack, but I was elsewhere. It haunted me for years knowing I could have comforted her in her last moments and just BEEN there... When we torment ourselves with 'I didn't do enough' or 'I should've been there' we need reminding that we're just one among the massive majority of imperfect people.

Give you emotions free reign m'love and don't analyse them. Just allow yourself to grieve in whatever form it takes ; repressing unwanted thoughts is unnecessary and unhealthy. And talk to your dad and sister about your own feelings; talking openly among yourselves will be hard at first, especially through the tears, but it's important for releasing some of the hurt.

When my brother died 5 years ago, my sister-in-law and I talked & talked & cried together and really listened to each other for weeks ; it was a massive help to us both. Psycho-babble apart ……..talking really helps.

Love, and virtual hugs, from Cat. (Message me anytime) x💐

[TaIaV]

Your loss is enormous. I am very sorry this has happened.

All of what you describe sounds very familiar. That does not make it easier, but perhaps knowing that many people experience similar mix of reactions will keep you from feeling that there is something wrong with you.

Just in case it helps, I can share with you something that I learned when I lost my mother. In modern life, in our culture, it is almost impossible to manage life and death simultaneously: It seemed to me that I was fully immersed in either life-as-usual or grieving but could not be engaged in both at the same time. Realizing this was helpful to me because:

1. It helped me stop feeling guilty about not grieving continuously; you have to engage in your broader life and often that broader life is not about you as a grieving person.

2. It also helped because it made clear that I had to give my grieving time and space and voice.

It sounds like you are doing a lot to support your family. Can you give them or others the honor of accompanying or supporting you in your grief?

The first six months or so after a loved one dies are particularly special. We will remember them always but in that time right after they pass away, there is an intensity to our remembrance and connection. The pain is intense but your own particular kind of peace, tribute and growth can emerge.

Wishing you the best