Struggling

So I’m really low and have been for some time now, my husbands still in rehab doing well physically not so great cognitively , the huge impact it’s had on our life’s I know you will all understand, I’m going to be my husband’s carer when he’s discharged, another curve ball has been thrown my way recently... there is the possibility my husband was ‘ playing away ‘ before his stroke ...I’m in turmoil because he can’t remember a lot because of short term memory loss , I absolutely believed 100% we were happily married I trusted him with my life. I feel I’m living a nightmare I don’t know if I will be able to clear this grey area because he can’t remember 😢😢

[cat3]

Soulmates, I understand your shock and despair. Unfaithfulness is a universal weakness, and soul destroying if we allow it to be. But in the bigger picture it doesn't have to destroy a relationship which, dalliance apart, is otherwise of great value and substance to both partners.

You may never know the details, but if you can grit your teeth and pick up where you were before this news came to light you'll be stronger for it. You have three choices m'love. Either you walk away : you remain your husband's carer with hurt and resentment : or you choose to forgive, and accept that he was weak but has paid a massive price, and needs you now more than ever.

We often think life's unfair. But folk are rarely perfect, and we're all prone to imperfection, poor judgement and foolishness at one time or another.

I hope you can adopt a mindset which is both tolerant and tolerable in order to claim back some control of a messy situation, whilst doing whatever needs to be done for your husband's continuing rehab.

Sometimes we face testing times which feel just too overwhelming ; I hope you'll find the strength to deal with this Soulmates, one day at a time. Keep talking...….

Cat x

[TaIaV]

Dear Soulmates,

I will speak to you with the frankness that I would use with a sister or very close friend.

Given your husband's age, I assume that you have been married for some time. Your instincts did not sense that you two were anything less than 100% happily married. Something has only suggested that there is a "possibility" that your husband strayed. I am going to suggest that you not give up your chance at happiness by dwelling on that possibility.

You are already experiencing an extremely challenging situation -- your husband's illness, the caregiving responsibilities ahead, and the new need to be the wholly self-sufficient. You need all your spiritual, emotional and intellectual energy to find a joyful fulfilling path forward. That is within your reach. However, you cannot do that if you are dragging this (or any other) anchor of doubt . Acknowledge it, and then cut it loose and leave it behind.

Feeling for you and wishing you strength,

Taia

[Hidden]

Hi Soulmate,

I have recently become my wife's full time carer over the last 6months, although not the original plan however is working out much better than if I had stayed at work. My wife has extreme memory loss due to her brain injury as well as impared cognitive function.

we have been together almost 20years however her memory loss starts at the time we met so she regularly doesn't know who I am in historical terms or becomes confussed due to not being able to put memories in a time line correctly.

She is unaware were married, this causes her much distress so we have learned and are still learning to live together again and to be a couple. Something we would have had to do anyway due to effects of her brain injury but made more difficult in the fact we had to get to know and trust each other again both emotionally and intermetly. For us, everything is being learned again as if meeting a new person for the first time.

My heart goes out to you and I understand exactly how your feeling, confused upset and frustrated. In my experience this will pass with time.

Hopefully during your husbands rehab you will have the opportunity to speak with a phycologist, I found this helped me understand my feelings and made me able to cope with this journey. I was told there will always be big decisions to make and big questions to answer un the future and I have learned to do this in time.

Hopefully its good to know theres others out there to in similar circumstances at a time when it can feel lonely. I'm happy to answer any questions you might have about my experience if it can help you.

Regards

Ric

[1949liz]

Hi Soulmates, so many amazing wise comments from such understanding caring souls. I can’t match them but I will say this to you that at this time in your life you are feeling low, possibly depression, frustrated and the thoughts just keep coming and coming, why me, why us, maybe he did, maybe he did not, does it make any difference now ?you said yourself you were happily married. The past is in the past why torture yourself with something you can’t change and remember you were happily married that says a lot to me as not many people can say that in this day and age. Be gentle with yourself as your grieving for what should and could have been but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Take care Love Liz x🌹🙏

[Lynd]

Hi Soulmates

Why are you thinking this?

My Husband spent several weeks calling me another woman's name. Luckily I knew this was the name of a long term girlfriend before my time with him.

I found this a bit hurtful but in truth at that time of recovery I suspect he hadn't got a clue who I was and it was easier to fit me into older memories that he could recall. Is something similar to this happening or have you got more concrete suspicions? I think this is really important that you investigate your reasons for this properly else it will haunt you. It may also affect your caring role in the future as some days your tolerance will be pushed to the limit and you need that former relationship to help keep you strong.

Big hugs x

I

[Hidden]

Dear Soulmates,

There has been some really thoughtful and common sense replies to you. I do hope it has been of some support.

Hopefully, nothing has happened and you can work on making the relationship stronger. If it is something that has happened, and if forgiveness is within you (I appreciate that is is easier said than done) you can build in what you have, and make it better - I speak from experience here. Obviously, you would well be within your rights to walk away but love and time are great healers.

I hope things work out for you x.

[Hidden]

sorry to hear this but can you be sure he can’t remember? You need honesty from him so you can get past this together or move on yourself

[Lemon-trees]

A tough one . The memory loss maybe a blessing? Whatever happened has been erased . So a new start for you both build on your love for each other and use it as a new chapter.

[Jacki66]

I am so sorry to hear of your worries and troubles. As if the thought of a caring role isn't enough! I feel that this needs to be investigated, but probably at a much later stage when some memory returns, which it will. Also, some significant memories return and others seem to subside so possibly you may find out the truth in the future. I suggest hanging on in there as, without any admission or evidence, it cannot be proven and I wouldn't want you to walk out on hearsay or a myth. Please make sure before you make a move.

[sashaming1]

Typical with a Brain Injury. He may need to use a journal or notes to compensate. Or a daily list of tasks you would like him to do. Maybe jointly look at vacation pictures to spark some memories.