My mum had a brain injury and I’m struggling with patience

[Daughter_]

A year ago my mum has a brain aneurysm and it really changed my life. Her accident happened on the day of my first a level and she stayed in hospitals and rehabilitation centres for 8 months.

I feel so guilty making the situation about me because I know it must be so much harder for her. I also should feel lucky because she’s still here with us, she can talk and walk and I know how extreme the effects could of been but I just still feel as though I lost a big part of my mum. I’m only 19 and the only person I want to talk to is her and but I know I can’t do that. I don’t want her to feel guilty because I know it’s nobody fault but sometimes I feel my self loosing my patience but feel terrible after. She struggles to pay attention and seems as though she’s often not there mentally. She also needs a lot of assistance getting up of the sofa or up the stairs and looses her balance a lot.

I feel ignorant because I still don’t really understand what has happened and I just don’t really know what to do. I want to talk to someone to find out the best ways I can support my mum so she knows how much I care for her and am always here to help. I also struggle with wanting to motivate her to try to do new things like exercises or brain training games, I don’t know the difference between helping or pushing her to do something that she can’t do.

[sospan]

Hi,

That is quite a burden to have on such young shoulders.

One of the most difficult things is to imagine what having a head injury is like - being drunk and trying to act like your sober but with the mother of all hangovers. It really is difficult for people to understand unless you have gone through it.

And like you have discovered there is little help and support for carers looking after someone with a Head Injury. Sometimes you must wonder if your are doing the right things.

Do you have any support from the Adult services in your County Council or local carers group ? They and the Headway support line (0808 800 2244) will be able to signpost you to get some help or advice.

The symptoms you have described are so common for people with head injuries. Whilst it may seem so long, a year in the world of head injuries is quite short.

Hang in there and try some more avenues for support

[cat3]

Hello m'dear and welcome. The brain is extremely complex and, after a brain injury, it's working constantly to create new pathways to compensate for other damaged areas. It's a slow process and often frustrating for both the survivor and loved ones.

But although motivational activities and brain-training can be helpful, please bear in mind that extreme fatigue is the number one after-effect of brain injury and, together with the work your mum's brain is already doing 24/7 to readjust, it's essential she has as much rest as she needs.

It can appear that your mum isn't trying to progress, but her internal (invisible) fight will be exhausting and the best that she can manage right now. It can take 2-3 years (or more) before maximum (usually limited) recovery is achieved.

I hope you'll seek support as suggested by Sospan and also phone the Headway helpline (freephone - office hours). And keep in touch here with any questions or just for reassurance. Cat x

[TaIaV]

So glad that you posted here and shared the complex mix of feelings that the situation creates.

First, please really accept that there is no reason to feel guilty: There are two of you suffering as a result of her aneurysm, and both of you deserve sympathy and help.

I recommend this book: Counting On Kindness: The Dilemmas of Dependency. It helps you as a caregiver really understand the point of view of people who are dependent on the care of others. And it gives practical advice for how to make the situation easier for both of you.

Designate yourself VP of Happiness at your house. You both need to turn as much of your world as possible into positives.As a part of that, I got advice that I think is very good: "They need small wins. Create the conditions for that. Set up for her to have those successes instead of pushing for big development ambitions at first. Once she picks up momentum, you can give her more challenging th ing to do.

All the best. You are wise to seek out other's inputs. Everyone is different but even small things you pick up from others can make a big difference in your lives. Don't struggle alone.

Taia

[lcd8]

Just to echo what others have said really. Please don't feel guilty. This isn't your fault and you are very young to have to cope with being a carer. And good on you for caring. You sound like a mature and responsible young adult. Its natural to get angry/frustrated sometimes - we all do. But trust me also when I say your mum is probably feeling guilty too for needing to rely on you so much. Try not to make it any harder for you both by laying any sort of blame for her BI or how if affects her. I think you would really benefit from some counselling so do try to get in touch with Headway or maybe your GP can recommend a support service or day-care centre that your mum could perhaps go to. All the best.

[Daughter_]

Thank you all so much for replying, it really helps even just knowing someone is listening. Im going to follow all the advice given and just slow down and realise everything can't happen in a day. Although I wouldn't wish a brain injury on anyone its just good to know that other people are experiencing similar things and are out there for advice and support.

[samanthaash1993 in reply to Daughter_]

Hey. I'm 27 and have had an acquired brain injury all my life and not known about it until 2 years ago. It's only now i'm starting to figure out what's going on, but i'm struggling. I can't figure out what's happening to me, as everyone keeps calling me a nasty .... And many others. I'm sitting here trying to plead with neuro to do more tests. I hope you are okay. I would just echo what everyone else has said, but I suppose praise your mum if she does something different, or better than you expected. I recommend reading some of the fact sheets on website of headway. They're really good. I just wish my family would be more understanding, instead of saying things like: You can't blaim it all on brain damage. It's getting silly.

[Daughter_ in reply to samanthaash1993]

Although family can be a so supportive for most people, sometimes talking to someone outside of the situation can help because they don’t already have set opinions, I’m always here if you just want a chat x

[RobHH]

I see others have given very good advice about your mum and coping, so just a short comment that you may not realise, in a sense, you are grieving because you have lost a part of the mum you knew and you shouldn't feel guilty about that. Of course you haven't lost her altogether so it feels like you should be grateful, but it's not wrong to be grateful and yet upset (perhaps angry and sad) at the same time.